DH and a new job at 0.8

[DevilsKitchen]

Possibly more of a wwyd.

My husband has the opportunity for a new role at work. It would be at 0.8 but is a promotion so has a higher FTE. This essentially means his take home remains the same but obviously with it being a promotion is better for him career wise in the long term.

While the money would be the same he would also be working from home at least 2 days a week whereas he is currently 5 days a week in the office with the exception of certain times of year so we would save quite a lot on commuting costs.

I do not object to him taking this job in principle as it clearly logically makes sense but I am finding it hard not to feel resentful that he would get to work 4 days when I have always supported us financially as I make more money and up until 2 years ago he was studying and only working part time. Since he has been working full time I have felt like it is my turn to be a bit financially supported. I also feel resentful that because he is the lower earner and we don’t “need” is money as such, he has more freedom to make decisions like this where I don’t.

I’m thinking about saying to him that I am in support of him taking the role under the following terms:

• If an opportunity to go up to 5 days arises he takes it
• It does not become the “norm” for him to work 4 days a week with me working full time because I am the breadwinner and that future roles should be full time.
• He attempts to find additional paid work on the 5th day (this might be casual)
• If he is not working full time he picks up a significant extra chunk of domestic load.

Is this reasonable? It doesn’t feel reasonable to make DH stay in a lesser role commuting 5 days a week just for the sake of him working full time but I also feel like I should get some benefit if this is going to be the arrangement. We don’t have children yet.

So much good advice on this thread @DevilsKitchen

DH will have 0.2 free and as a family you will be no worse off. Likely better, in fact, as he'll be WFH and save commuting.

Therefore this is not leaving you financially short; so your desire to "make him" take another job on his free day is to keep him busy rather than anything else?? That feels like a punishment for being good at what he does, getting a promotion and getting lucky with his hours.

Envy is not a good look.

I'm with you on the additional household chores - take some of the heavy lifting there so you get equal on the downtime/playtime. If you feel 0.8 is a financial hit for you, what about looking at compressed hours?

Wow, I wouldn't even think of involving myself in my partner's work role. He can apply and do whatever he wants as ling as he meets his financial obligations. I work part-time he works full-time and we each pay our share. If he was telling me I need to work full-time he could go fish. But he wouldn't because he's not like that,

So for the same money, he'll be making progress in his career, work fewer hours and have a better work-life balance? There's literally no downside here.

YWNBU to expect him to take on more housework on his non-working day, but otherwise this is a win.

If you do decide to have DC, the more time at home and the more flexible your jobs, the better.

You're being very mean-spirited.

Honestly op. I'm not sure this is the relationship for you.
I think if you really loved him, you'd be delighted that he has this opportunity and of course envious of his day off but instead you sound deeply resentful. Nothing has changed for you versus his old role. You need to have a serious think about whether you are happy to be in a relationship with a lower earner . Not every woman is but you should acknowledge it and decide how you wish to proceed.

Thank you @MildredSauce you have said similar to others but much more kindly. We don’t NEED the money but we would like to buy a bigger house eventually and to me that won’t happen unless we are both trying to earn as much as we are able.

Obviously he should take the role, as I said in my OP, but I do think it’s fair that without children, a full time role becomes the ultimate goal.

We are on the fence about children - in that case working 4 days would obviously benefit us because we would not have to lose a day to childcare

Work to live not live to work.

Sorry, but you come across as jealous and rather obsessed with money.
If a chap said this people would be down on him like a ton of bricks.

Yes, he could do more domestic chores but not on his day off. He could fit that in on the time he gains not commuting for two days.
Presently, there are only 2 of you so can't be that much housework.

Why don't you reduce your hours and spend time on you or together.

Work life balance is very important for everyone.

You sound like you're the Dept. of Work and Pensions of your family 😁. Which is understandable as you're only looking out for your family's financial stability. But it rubs off the wrong way, and if I were your husband, I'd resent you.

It’s interesting that you think going part time is more possible for him due to him earning a lower salary. I always had the opposite view, I aimed to achieve a higher salary so I could then reduce to 0.8 and still survive. Why don’t you look at reducing your hours too?

I think you have to tell him exactly what you have said to us. There's no point in feeling resentful, it achieves nothing. I realise you cannot help what you feel but if you don't articulate it, it will eat away at you.

It looks to me as though his job will eventually lead to bigger things so please bear that in mind.

Good luck.

I think if you don't have kids you'd better split up...

Definitely unreasonable.

my husband works 4 days compressed and uses his day off to do stuff round the house, ferry DC to clubs and play golf! I’m certainly envious of his time off but I’d never start making demands of him. I earn more than him and neither of us give it a second thought. This is 2024, who cares who earns more?!

The responses to this are slightly odd. I actually think they would be the other way round if you were the bloke (sisterhood, eh?).

As the constant higher earner (female) I agree that resentment can build if it's your money which creates the lifestyle your partner has become accustomed to, allowing them to just coast and reap the benefits. Of course, you build a lifestyle together but it can be galling. My DH does a lot of household stuff and childcare but I had to have short mat leaves and have to keep climbing the ladder. Theres quite a lot of pressure on me to keep things going, though he might deny that, he's hardly going to double his salary overnight. Generally, we all rub along fine but sometimes it gets to me. I totally see your point.

Blimey, I only ever worked PT and built up a business, so that my DH could retire as soon as possible. He went PT as soon as he was able and retired likewise. Do you have some weird Protestant work ethic?

Life isn't all about trying to max out everything...

Your last bullet point is fair enough but beyond that it just comes across as jealousy. Are children on the horizon? If so its also a future benefit.

You feel how you feel, if you aren't on board with it let him know so he can decide if he wants to call time on the relationship.

@Missmarple87 thank you x

Obviously he should take the role, as I said in my OP, but I do think it’s fair that without children, a full time role becomes the ultimate goal.

Why, though?

Not everyone cares about work or a career - I've pretty much always worked part-time, and now DH does as well. We both earn more than enough to support ourselves and never struggle for money. We don't have kids (or want them) and I'd be exceedingly pissed off if someone decided I had to work full-time simply because they do.

As long as he can cover his share of the bills, it shouldn't matter how many hours/days he works.

On the contrary, if OP was the bloke there would be multiple pitchforks with his name on.

I would expect him to take on more domestic load, and to take a full time job if available (unless he really got into the domestic side and it worked really well) but I wouldn’t expect a second job. I’d have to declare that to my work and it would be frankly weird, so unless he’s in an industry where it’s normal or for some reason you really need the money he would justifiably resent that.

I think you are permitted to feel a little resentful and to expect ‘something’ from him but surely he knows this already? Do you not expect him having an extra day off will also improve your quality of life?

fwiw this would be our dream scenario. My DH much better at all the household stuff than I am but also a higher earner. Both in jobs that are very full time so no chance of a 0.8 wte for either but if there were it would be win win for us both if he took it!

My DH had a 4 day a week job a few years ago and I was working full time. He picked up more at home, got to do school runs which he enjoyed, and was generally a better balanced and happier person around it. I miss those days (now he is back in a 5 day stressful role) so Yabu

@FrivolousKitchenRollUse which tbf there are about op.

Hopefully, if it’s promotion it will lead a full time and more money in the future.

Depending on how they allocate shares of the bills. If he drops a day at work, and gets a lower share of the bills because he’s earning less and also has more free time, it clearly sucks to be the op and just pick up the slack.
that’s not what’s happening here as he isn’t earning less, but I’m just pointing out that paying his ‘share’ doesn’t necessarily make the change irrelevant to the other person.

No, if the OP was a bloke there would be uproar at the number of women who think it's acceptable for them to do part time work whilst the DH slaves away actually providing for the family. Which is a very common attitude amongst women and I have never understood it.

You should plan your lifestyle together and be a team. The question is really how much the OP is propping up her husband and if they have just fallen into that without due consideration.

I'm the high earner. I know the pressure. We have 2 kids and H earns min wage.

He works PT and there's no pressure to work more now kids are both in school. He does the cleaning. We have the same fun money. I never resent his part in our life.