DH and a new job at 0.8

[DevilsKitchen]

Possibly more of a wwyd.

My husband has the opportunity for a new role at work. It would be at 0.8 but is a promotion so has a higher FTE. This essentially means his take home remains the same but obviously with it being a promotion is better for him career wise in the long term.

While the money would be the same he would also be working from home at least 2 days a week whereas he is currently 5 days a week in the office with the exception of certain times of year so we would save quite a lot on commuting costs.

I do not object to him taking this job in principle as it clearly logically makes sense but I am finding it hard not to feel resentful that he would get to work 4 days when I have always supported us financially as I make more money and up until 2 years ago he was studying and only working part time. Since he has been working full time I have felt like it is my turn to be a bit financially supported. I also feel resentful that because he is the lower earner and we don’t “need” is money as such, he has more freedom to make decisions like this where I don’t.

I’m thinking about saying to him that I am in support of him taking the role under the following terms:

• If an opportunity to go up to 5 days arises he takes it
• It does not become the “norm” for him to work 4 days a week with me working full time because I am the breadwinner and that future roles should be full time.
• He attempts to find additional paid work on the 5th day (this might be casual)
• If he is not working full time he picks up a significant extra chunk of domestic load.

Is this reasonable? It doesn’t feel reasonable to make DH stay in a lesser role commuting 5 days a week just for the sake of him working full time but I also feel like I should get some benefit if this is going to be the arrangement. We don’t have children yet.

Why don't you go down to 0.8 and spend more time as a family?

I literally earn all the cash in my relationship so not easy to say, I live that life. It is absolutely amazing to have a partner picking up domestic stuff, but that's it. All these stupid conditions from the OP are awful.

Gosh, do you even like him?

id be delighted for my DH if he had an opportunity to earn the same but work less and vice versa. My DH has always earned more than me but not necessarily worked harder, different fields and roles bring different earning potential.

if your DH is a slacker around the house who isn’t pulling his weight then thats a different discussion regardless of how many days he works.

It is a promotion and the same money. He works that for some time and then will have the cv boost to look for a full time job with a bigger salary elsewhere. This is a non-issue.

you should have equal amounts of free time, so of course he should cover more of domestic life if he is on reduced hours. Again, it’s so obvious I don’t know why it even warrants discussion.

unless he is on a very low salary, asking him to go pick up something like a retail job one day a week just to be working is petty. That requires some self-examination. If my spouse asked me to do that, I would be rethinking my marriage.

I agree - that bit sounds fair enough. The rest of it just sounds resentful.

All these blase attitudes about dropping down to 0.8....

It's not about having a bigger house or a flashy car. If you are the breadwinner it's about paying the mortgage, securing a decent rate when you next renew, having savings to pay for your kids through uni, recognising that your need an emergency fund, having a comfortable pension in later life. When the onus is on YOU to sort all that, it's not that easy. If you earn the same amount for the rest of your days, inflation is going to screw you especially if you can't expect annual pay rises in your industry.

Rethinking?
No children here either, I'd be out!
And happily.

You don’t know that. You could become ill, or something else.

Same here. I can see the OP's frustration. I have been and will always be the higher earner... in some ways having a child has actually taken away the resentment as DH dropping to 4 days per week at least means he is taking care of our child.. so much so that at my suggestion he's going to remain at 4 days when our child starts school, so that he can do the after school care etc on that day at least.

But you can sure as hell believe I will be expecting him to do a shit ton of domestic tasks every Monday.

Most of the time I can be logical and agree that it's fair for him to make his own choices with his career, we live frugally anyway and don't need any more money.. but the resentment does creep out from time to time.

But the DP has a payrsie to get 0.8

The rest of your list should be a conversation between partners, not left to one person to deal with.

This, most definitely. There is so much more to life than maximising your earning potential . Plus things change all the time. The only part i slightly agree with you on is he should do more of the chores but honestly with just the two of you how much is there ! When there were two of us many years ago we just got a cleaner and enjoyed life !

This is insane. You can't demand or impose terms on his career choice. He's studied, started his career and achieved a promotion. He's obviously doing well. The first thing is to take a step back, he happy for him for a moment and recognise what he's achieved. Money isn't the first thing you should be thinking about here.

What you can do is sit him down and have a conversation about your financial and lifestyle goals as a couple and where your careers fit into that. That conversation involves you both putting your cards on the table. Life isn't about maximising income alone, it's about balancing what you want from life with what you need to do to achieve it and setting your goals against that. You need to be on the same page.

You made a choice to financially support him in the past, presumably because he's your partner and you love him. It's not automatically "your turn" at any stage. Does he have potential to outearn you in the career he's chosen? Will you be ok with it if he doesn't? Also, if he's always been the lower earner until now, has your joint lifestyle been pitched at your level the whole time? Is that why you feel resentful that he's not keeping up? Maybe I'm picking up too much from your unfortunate tone but it just feels like you're keeping score.

None of these questions are any of my business really but they are things you should be thinking about.

Baffled by all the responses saying they see the point; the guys take home isn't going to drop. And he'll be getting a more senior role so better future opportunities too.

It's all upside as far as I can see.

A pay rise which makes no impact on their finances due to the 0.8!!

Arguably, if he's capable of promotion he's capable of a full time promotion. Of course he doesn't have to and they could agree their lifestyle choices together BUT OPs attitude seems like he is coasting along because she can provide.

Why should one adult expect to have their lifestyle funded by another, especially with no kids involved.

Are you on the breadline and only just making ends meet? Just go down to 0.8 yourself if that's what you want.

I think that you should be a team and just be understanding and supportive that he has a good opportunity there in front of him. It's not his fault that your working situation is what it is. And just because he gets to do X now, doesn't mean he'll be doing it forever. I am not overjoyed that my DH gets to work 4 days and I have to work 5 but we do different jobs and he is in a fortunate position. What I do expect is to be supported if I wish to change my working situation. If he loses no money but has better balance in his life then all the better.

I understand your resentment but life is a series of choices, you chose to be with him, you chose your job, you chose to support him studying. If you have any issues with choices presented to you choose to say something or choose something else. Perhaps you wanted to feel that it's time for you now and if so - choose to say something so that he can support you or make a different choice. The beauty is there are no children that make freedom of choice even harder...

And whilst having a bigger house is the ultimate goal for many people, it can just serve as a trap. As a middle-aged woman I am starting to see that life is so much more than what you have achieved and what possessions you have. I say this of course not knowing your exact domestic arrangements.

Is he expecting his lifestyle funded? Op is forcing him to save....

Also the impact will be felt in the domestic stuff and wellbeing. You can't put a price on that.

Well in most instances things like where you live are determined by how much money you earn.

I would think it might be quite likely that DP would find his standard of living dropped somewhat without his partner earning, no?

Why should a full time role be the goal if you can cover your costs working a little less? What about quality of life, better mental health, seeing loved ones etc?

Do you love your DH? You come across as very resentful rather than pleased for him. I work a 0.9 contract across four days and my DH works full-time. It has a huge impact on my quality of life and he's never been resentful of it or expected me to do anything specific with my "spare" day.

You can with quite a lot of it. That's why we pay cleaners and gardeners.....

Oof, I would be very very upset if my (male) partner gave me these orders. Doing stuff around the house is not unreasonable though.

I really disagree with this

Obviously he should take the role, as I said in my OP, but I do think it’s fair that without children, a full time role becomes the ultimate goal.

Why?
surely the ultimate goal is just enough money to live comfortably??

Why do you need to make sure he's every bit as miserable as you are?! If you hate your job, could you be more proactive in finding something better? Or, could you cope if you also had a part-time salary?

No they would not! Can you imagine the post, “After training and then working myself up the career ladder I’ve been offered a 0.8 position but at the same salary, I want to take it but my DH is insisting that if I take it on my non-working day I take part-time work as well because he resents me having a day off. He also insists that I go full time if ever offered and has demanded I do more housework too.” The poster would be being advised to LTB immediately because he’s a controlling mercenary bully!