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Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

For best friend / bridesmaid to reject abroad hen do?

202 replies

Reignydays · 02/08/2024 12:51

I am the bridesmaid for one of my longest and closest friends getting married in Spring 2025.

Bride and MOH have put a message in the hen do group chat this morning that the plan for hen do is a 5 hour flight and 4 night break in April, about a month before the wedding.

I have just come off maternity leave and working part time. I do not know if I will be comfortable leaving DC for that amount of time nor can I afford it. I also have another 2 weddings in 2025 so 3 hen do’s next year.

I feel like as a best friend and bridesmaid I should go to her hen, but I just do not think I can afford it or be able too.

I worry that everyone else will think I’m being unreasonable in the group chat and she will question if she wants me to be bridesmaid.

OP posts:
Hoppinggreen · 02/08/2024 12:54

Its a big ask and you would be well within your rights to politely refuse to go.
If it means you get sacked as MOH then it means they are arseholes anyway

theeyeofdoe · 02/08/2024 12:55

Definitely don't put it in the group chat, call her instead.

Let her know that you won't be able to go for more than 2 nights (will you even be able to get time off work that close to going back).

halava · 02/08/2024 12:56

If this is true, (and judging by the craziness of some Bridezillas and their Insta obsession and one upmanship I wouldn't be surprised) I'd imagine everyone in the hen group will balk at the idea. I'm guessing it's Dubai. Ridiculous waste of money for the hens. The Bride and her limpets can go, but I wouldn't even dream of it.

Stick to your principles and say out straight that the destination is too far, too expensive and too time consuming and that they should consider a more suitable place nearer home.

Believe me everyone will agree with you, so don't go love. Your child and your well being are far more important.

Original poster
Reignydays · 02/08/2024 12:59

halava · 02/08/2024 12:56

If this is true, (and judging by the craziness of some Bridezillas and their Insta obsession and one upmanship I wouldn't be surprised) I'd imagine everyone in the hen group will balk at the idea. I'm guessing it's Dubai. Ridiculous waste of money for the hens. The Bride and her limpets can go, but I wouldn't even dream of it.

Stick to your principles and say out straight that the destination is too far, too expensive and too time consuming and that they should consider a more suitable place nearer home.

Believe me everyone will agree with you, so don't go love. Your child and your well being are far more important.

It is true. Bride has an expensive taste. My hen do cost less than £100 per person and I did a night in Manchester as I knew everyone could afford that and even gave friends the option of not staying over if they couldn’t afford the hotel.

I won’t say destination or post anything outing but in her message she says how she will only ever get one hen do and wants it done right and it’s her dream.

OP posts:
DelphiniumBlue · 02/08/2024 13:02

I'd actually put in the group chat so that everyone is aware of the constraints - I bet other people would be feeling it too!
So, " That sounds lovely, and wish I could , but I can't do more than 2 nights away, or spend more than £x. ( sob.. recent maternity leave etc, I'm sure you all get the gist). I don't want to spoil the fun, so happy for you to go ahead without me, or I can come up with alternative suggestions if that helps."

KnickerlessParsons · 02/08/2024 13:04

Are the MOB and Hen paying? If not, then don't go.

You can say you can't get holiday, or you can't afford it, or you don't want to leave the baby, or any other reason, but if you don't want to go, don't go.

It's completely unreasonable to expect people to fly for 5 hours each way for a 4 night stay whether or not you have children/just returned to work/anything else - that would be 6 days of hols (2 travelling and 4 in the resort) that I'd prefer to spend with my family.
Going for any shorter period just isn't worth it for the travelling.

OlympicsFanGirl · 02/08/2024 13:05

Any bride that wants a hen do that requires expense, overnight stays at home or abroad needs to understand that not everyone will want to or be able to come.

Frankly I think these types of hen dos are ridiculous.

ErrolTheDragon · 02/08/2024 13:06

Just tell her straight, you're sorry but you simply can't afford the time or the money.

It's pretty egocentric of someone to assume other people should spend their annual leave on their personal 'dream'

FakeMiddleton · 02/08/2024 13:07

She's already wanting on that she only gets one hen do and blah blah blah

  1. statistically, it's not her only hen do...
  2. she's only going to get worse, so nip it in the bud now
  3. her WEDDING day is the big day, not a trip to a destination that, if Dubai is correct, is a horrible anti-human destination. For Dubai alone, I wouldn't be going
crumpet · 02/08/2024 13:07

Tell her it sounds amazing , that she’ll have a great time and how pleased you are for her, but that you won’t be able to go. Suggest taking her for a spa treatment/meal out/other nice thing for the two of you before the wedding.

OMGsamesame · 02/08/2024 13:07

Reignydays · 02/08/2024 12:59

It is true. Bride has an expensive taste. My hen do cost less than £100 per person and I did a night in Manchester as I knew everyone could afford that and even gave friends the option of not staying over if they couldn’t afford the hotel.

I won’t say destination or post anything outing but in her message she says how she will only ever get one hen do and wants it done right and it’s her dream.

Show quote history

That's great - she can go where she wants. You don't have to go. Your limitations are entirely reasonable. If she takes issue with that then you know what kind of friend she is(n't)

BIWI · 02/08/2024 13:08

I would definitely put it in the group chat - other people may feel just the same as you too.

I wouldn't, personally, say anything about not wanting to leave your DC - if she's child-free she probably won't understand why you would feel like that - but I would very definitely point out that as you're only working part-time and will have just returned from MAT leave, that you simply can't afford it, no matter how lovely it sounds.

TokyoSushi · 02/08/2024 13:09

Just say no and say it quickly, before you get dragged into any plans and it's difficult to back out.

Hi Jane, your hen do sounds amazing, I'm really sorry that I won't be able to come as I'm on part time wages after maternity and wouldn't be able to leave baby Matilda for that long. I hope that you all have a fantastic time, I'd love to join a second UK event if you have one.

Done, finished, that's it!

longdistanceclaraclara · 02/08/2024 13:10

I love a hen do but but a five hour flight for four nights is ridiculous. I'm assuming Dubai. What are the timings, how many does AL would need to be taken. I'd just say no.

FakeMiddleton · 02/08/2024 13:10

@TokyoSushi - perfect response

As others have said, NOBODY wants to go to this thing, and will all be jealous you have the ultimate get out of jail free card

BettyBardMacDonald · 02/08/2024 13:10

Just decline. She'll end up just as married whether or not you join her on an expensive vacation.

Hen dos aren't some sacred ritual. Anyone who uses them as a test of friendship is an arsehole.

grandmabrown · 02/08/2024 13:14

DD was bridesmaid for her cousin a few years ago and they planned A WEEK all inclusive in Portugal. Around 20 girls invited. DD told the bride she could not attend due to money and DC commitments, bride was lovely and said no issues. Only bride and her 3 other bridesmaids ended up going out of the 20ish. Bride then had a "smaller" weekend away in the UK with most of the others in attendance. Bride may surprise you and be perfectly fine, just be honest with her.

SusieTrevelyan · 02/08/2024 13:14

Thank you very much for your lovely invitation. It sounds as if it is going to be great fun. Unfortunately, I won't be able to join in because of family and work commitments. I hope you all have a lovely time.

Marseillaise · 02/08/2024 13:15

theeyeofdoe · 02/08/2024 12:55

Definitely don't put it in the group chat, call her instead.

Let her know that you won't be able to go for more than 2 nights (will you even be able to get time off work that close to going back).

It would be nutty to take two 5 hour flights for the sake of two nights. But then, it's nutty to have a hen do 5 hours away anyway. Just say you can't do it, full stop. I suspect you won't be the only one.

Nanny0gg · 02/08/2024 13:18

Hope the bride's not expecting the hens to pay for her trip!

Marseillaise · 02/08/2024 13:18

Reignydays · 02/08/2024 12:59

It is true. Bride has an expensive taste. My hen do cost less than £100 per person and I did a night in Manchester as I knew everyone could afford that and even gave friends the option of not staying over if they couldn’t afford the hotel.

I won’t say destination or post anything outing but in her message she says how she will only ever get one hen do and wants it done right and it’s her dream.

Show quote history

She really can't assume that other people will use up all their holiday entitlement and spend a hell of a lot of money for her "dream".

Making such a big thing about the peripherals like this makes it look as if she's lost sight of what the wedding is about. It's supposed to be about how lovely it is to be marrying the love of her life, so the ceremony should be the dream, not getting pissed in Dubai or whatever else she's got planned.

MrsSkylerWhite · 02/08/2024 13:21

I would completely understand if I were your friend.

Original poster
Reignydays · 02/08/2024 13:21

So one of the girls have replied that it sounds fantastic and she’s up for a girls holiday but she also lives with parents rent free, no partner or children and works full time so I don’t blame her at all.

OP posts:
FemurRobinson · 02/08/2024 13:22

Just call her and say what you've said here. Only a deeply tiresome and unreasonable individual wouldn't understand.

Emilywiththegreeneyes · 02/08/2024 13:22

I don't understand where some brides get their delusion from, that other people care so much about their wedding that they'll spend thousands of pounds and multiple days in their honour. It's fucking dumb and honestly they need to be brought back down to the earth.