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Original poster

For best friend / bridesmaid to reject abroad hen do?

202 replies

Reignydays · 02/08/2024 12:51

I am the bridesmaid for one of my longest and closest friends getting married in Spring 2025.

Bride and MOH have put a message in the hen do group chat this morning that the plan for hen do is a 5 hour flight and 4 night break in April, about a month before the wedding.

I have just come off maternity leave and working part time. I do not know if I will be comfortable leaving DC for that amount of time nor can I afford it. I also have another 2 weddings in 2025 so 3 hen do’s next year.

I feel like as a best friend and bridesmaid I should go to her hen, but I just do not think I can afford it or be able too.

I worry that everyone else will think I’m being unreasonable in the group chat and she will question if she wants me to be bridesmaid.

OP posts:
Civilservant · 02/08/2024 13:23

I once declined being a BM for a good friend as foresaw this kind of costly hen do / wedding. She was nice about it.

NotSureWhatUsernameToChoose · 02/08/2024 13:23

Get your declining reply in quick. Otherwise it will seem like you are jumping on the bandwagon if others decline.

Izzynohopanda · 02/08/2024 13:28

You won’t be the only one thinking ‘eek’ so put up a message up or speak to the bride that unfortunately you won’t be able to attend. Better to bow out gracefully now, then later.

Maybe suggest something like treating her to afternoon tea - a one-on-one mini hen party in the uk instead.

Whatever ever happened to a meal in the local Italian which was the done thing for Hen parties years ago, not an actual trip to Italy (or wherever).

Dulra · 02/08/2024 13:29

Reignydays · 02/08/2024 12:59

It is true. Bride has an expensive taste. My hen do cost less than £100 per person and I did a night in Manchester as I knew everyone could afford that and even gave friends the option of not staying over if they couldn’t afford the hotel.

I won’t say destination or post anything outing but in her message she says how she will only ever get one hen do and wants it done right and it’s her dream.

Show quote history

in her message she says how she will only ever get one hen do and wants it done right and it’s her dream.

It's a hen do she needs to get a grip. A hen do is meant to be a last hurrah with your pals it's not about the destination and if half your hens can't afford to go it's pretty pointless. She can go on a girl's holiday with those that can afford it and do something else for her hens

SharpBlunt · 02/08/2024 13:30

I feel like as a best friend and bridesmaid I should go to her hen, but I just do not think I can afford it or be able too.

Maybe a fairly local one night hen do - not this! This is at a level where there is no such obligation...if the bride doesn't fully understand that then...

I would ring the bride and explain directly to her why you can't go, as soon as you can.

Izzynohopanda · 02/08/2024 13:30

“…in her message she says how she will only ever get one hen do and wants it done right and it’s her dream.”

Emotional guilt tripping. Not your problem to solve.

Brightredtulips · 02/08/2024 13:32

I honestly hate all this stuff. Ots all so overvthe top. I'm guessing it won't stop there you'll probably have to contribute to the cost of the bride's holiday. I'm not stingy by any means but it's all getting a bit much and I won't start on baby showers and gender reveals ...

SharpBlunt · 02/08/2024 13:32

Oh dear...just seen this now:

she says how she will only ever get one hen do and wants it done right and it’s her dream.

Grim. Don't be emotionally blackmailed into this.

thecatsthecats · 02/08/2024 13:32

I'd keep it simple and say that you can't afford it after Mat Leave. You don't need reason after reason!

Taytocrisps · 02/08/2024 13:34

YANBU but I wouldn't put it in the group chat. Ring her and explain, and tell her that you'd love to go for lunch with her or have a night out with her in the run up to the wedding.

TokyoSushi · 02/08/2024 13:35

Honestly OP, decline quickly, now really, nip it in the bud or it'll get difficult!

AGodawfulsmallaffair · 02/08/2024 13:37

Reignydays · 02/08/2024 12:59

It is true. Bride has an expensive taste. My hen do cost less than £100 per person and I did a night in Manchester as I knew everyone could afford that and even gave friends the option of not staying over if they couldn’t afford the hotel.

I won’t say destination or post anything outing but in her message she says how she will only ever get one hen do and wants it done right and it’s her dream.

Show quote history

Well good for her, but it’s not your dream or choice. Wild horses wouldn’t make me go, and if she doesn’t understand why you may not be able to, it’s her loss. No-one should demand you spend so much money or use up precious annual leave. I’d be surprised if you were the only one who wasn’t ecstatic about her plans.

Americano75 · 02/08/2024 13:39

For God's sake, what happened to a night out in town wearing a silly veil and L plates?

IDontLoveTheWayYouLie · 02/08/2024 13:39

Madness. A hen night would usually be a day or night out somewhere having fun with your mates, not a full on weeks holiday.

LlamaNoDrama · 02/08/2024 13:42

Definitely not. Anyone that expects someone to use their holiday, money and spend several days abroad for a hen is a piss taker imo.

Kitkatcatflap · 02/08/2024 13:42

You are over thinking this OP. You have lots of lovely suggestions as how you let her know - sooner rather later. You reasons are completely valid.

Baby and money aside, it may be the only time she has a hen do but you also have two more saying 'only get one hen do' next year.

Worst case scenario, MOH and friend with low key commitments are going so she does get to go away.

RaspberryBeretxx · 02/08/2024 13:42

This is crazy, I'd definitely not go in your shoes and I think best to be upfront from the start. I'd ring or message the bride direct and just say what you've said here - sorry, you aren't going to have the funds/time to go and maybe offer to arrange her a home hen do night out as well for anyone who can't make the abroad trip? She sounds like the type who might appreciate 2 hen dos!

Original poster
Reignydays · 02/08/2024 13:44

Update - friend who is a teacher replied to say she wouldn’t be able to get the time off, even if she did there’s no way she could fork out £1500 on a hen do. I have replied as well and replied that it is too expensive as well due to being on SMP and then part time wage.

I called bride and she said she will also do a UK hen do for those who cannot afford it and that she understands. She seemed fine about it.

Bride has now messaged in chat to say she understands it’s a lot of money and time off and now there are more messages flying in (12 of us) to say it’s too expensive but happy to do the local hen.

OP posts:
Fundays12 · 02/08/2024 13:45

I would tell her thanks so much for the invite but you cannot afford it as are just returning from maternity leave to a now part role. It's a ridiculous expectation to ask anyone to spend hundreds going abroad for a hen do. Offer to treat her for lunch here instead.

ThatPeachSnake · 02/08/2024 13:46

Reignydays · 02/08/2024 12:51

I am the bridesmaid for one of my longest and closest friends getting married in Spring 2025.

Bride and MOH have put a message in the hen do group chat this morning that the plan for hen do is a 5 hour flight and 4 night break in April, about a month before the wedding.

I have just come off maternity leave and working part time. I do not know if I will be comfortable leaving DC for that amount of time nor can I afford it. I also have another 2 weddings in 2025 so 3 hen do’s next year.

I feel like as a best friend and bridesmaid I should go to her hen, but I just do not think I can afford it or be able too.

I worry that everyone else will think I’m being unreasonable in the group chat and she will question if she wants me to be bridesmaid.

hen parties are getting out of hand. Bride is well within her rights to ask friends to come with her on a holiday to celebrate but either she should cover some of the costs or be prepared for people to not be able to attend. It’s expensive and time consuming and people organising these things need to realise that.

I ended up spending over a grand on a hen party abroad. Bride was in a terrible mood the entire time when things weren’t going her way. Never again!

Nobodywouldknow · 02/08/2024 13:46

TokyoSushi · 02/08/2024 13:09

Just say no and say it quickly, before you get dragged into any plans and it's difficult to back out.

Hi Jane, your hen do sounds amazing, I'm really sorry that I won't be able to come as I'm on part time wages after maternity and wouldn't be able to leave baby Matilda for that long. I hope that you all have a fantastic time, I'd love to join a second UK event if you have one.

Done, finished, that's it!

Edited

No, just say you’ve used up all your leave and won’t be able to get the time off and that you can’t afford it. Don’t talk about not wanting to leave your baby because she might not understand or she might know others who did leave their kids at that age so I wouldn’t go into that. If you say no money plus I will get fired, there’s zero to argue with.

ErrolTheDragon · 02/08/2024 13:46

Good! Hopefully you'll all be able to enjoy a more realistic alternative Smile

OneNewUser · 02/08/2024 13:46

That sounds good! If she wants to do a vaguely hen themed girls holiday away with her mum and a couple of friends who have the time and money - good for her.

LuckysDadsHat · 02/08/2024 13:47

My daughter was sacked as bridesmaid and banned from the wedding for saying she couldn't afford the hen do. These bridezillas are hideous!

Glad she is being OK about it all. Shows she's not as bad as most bridezillas!

5128gap · 02/08/2024 13:48

If you're close enough to this woman to be her bridesmaid, you're close enough to call or meet her and tell her exactly this. If she's a good friend she'll understand. If she doesn't you'll know where you stand. She has every right to invite people on any hen do she chooses, but if it's expensive and difficult then she should accept not everyone can make it. Personally I think its quite rude to announce the hen without chatting it through with those you want to attend to see who's up for what. You wouldn't book any other expensive things and inform people they were expected at their own expense.