For best friend / bridesmaid to reject abroad hen do?

[Reignydays]

I am the bridesmaid for one of my longest and closest friends getting married in Spring 2025.

Bride and MOH have put a message in the hen do group chat this morning that the plan for hen do is a 5 hour flight and 4 night break in April, about a month before the wedding.

I have just come off maternity leave and working part time. I do not know if I will be comfortable leaving DC for that amount of time nor can I afford it. I also have another 2 weddings in 2025 so 3 hen do’s next year.

I feel like as a best friend and bridesmaid I should go to her hen, but I just do not think I can afford it or be able too.

I worry that everyone else will think I’m being unreasonable in the group chat and she will question if she wants me to be bridesmaid.

I'm always amused at the idea of a hens being "The Last Hurrah". Before what? Before you are put in a chastity belt and forbidden from meeting your friends and having a social life without husband in tow. WTAF!

Sorry, look I know it's tradition, but it really doesn't have to be all the bells and whistles, and I think (know) that the more modest 1 or 2 hens close to home are far more enjoyable because people relax knowing they can afford it and don't have to travel far either.

I knew that the majority would be relieved to back out. It just takes one person to say it, and good on the teacher. I applaud the Bride also for taking the "regrets" with good grace. A great outcome all round.

My hen do was a Saturday night and it cost £100 and I was worried I was taking the mick especially as my wedding was 2 months later and I knew people would have to buy outfits and what not. It’s crazy there are people who are expecting you to spend thousands

Me too @gentlemum
Modern weddings seem to be all about splashing cash and indulging little girl Barbie "dreams".
I don't even get why Hen and Stag Do's are necessary, like it's not enough to have a wedding and a honeymoon (which is the perfect time for taking their extravagant trips abroad).

I'm sorry but if the bride or MOH wants to have the " dream " hen do then they need to pay for it.
We wanted everyone to enjoy our reception without worrying about money so we saved for the tab and had an open bar.
Nobody else should be shelling out for someone else's ideal apart from an outfit and or gift!

I love a good night out but I've had to turn down hen dos as I've not had the money. I've just been honest and it's been fine. .

I remember over hearing a conversation from someone in a hairdressers bragging they were off to X place for a hen do, Y place for a 30th or 40th birthday this year then it was her 30th or 40th next year so all her friends were going to Z for it (all places were abroad) so she wouldn’t be able to afford a family holiday for the next couple of years because its all so expensive.

£1500 for a hen do! And that’s the start before all the extras. Ridiculous to expect you to pay that.

I’m glad though that she has listened and common sense is prevailing.

I feel like as a best friend and bridesmaid I should go to her hen,

Well that's how they get away with it isn't it?

If I was faced with that it would have been a flat no & I wouldn't have felt I had to justify it either!

Glad it's sorted out Op.

It’s really sad isn’t it? And they all look the same to me. Those glittery cap things. Infinity pools. I’m not a misery arse but if you are wanting a dream destination save it for your honeymoon.
Holidays with people you really love, destination anywhere, are the best.
I don’t know how anyone affords to get married now - rehearsal dinners, 2 or 3 bridal dresses on the day the list is endless.
One thing I do know is none of it relates to being married!
I also know from speaking to younger women in my circle they want funds for cosmetic procedures at 30, 40 and 50. One has just been to Poland for a full eye lift - at 30!
I can remember saving up for a Karen Millen outfit and highlights for my 30th and thinking I was JLo!

You have two very good reasons for not going - a baby who you would not be at all comfortable to leave for that length of time, and the fact that you can’t really afford it.
Just tell her, with apologies.
If she can’t accept it, she really isn’t a proper friend.

And TBH the sooner more people turn these jollies down for such very valid reasons, the sooner it might begin to dawn on such brides that unless their potential invitees a) have no babies or small children, and b) will be well able to afford the cost, then expensive, faraway hen do’s should be a thing of the past.

Woah £1500 for 4days, surely that would be a lot per person just for a chosen annual holiday with friends/family. Bride will also be going on a honeymoon so why does she need a flash hen do holiday.

Assume this craziness is the effect of social media, I'm thankful when my friends got married it was still the done thing to go for a meal/night out locally or at most some cheap weekend away and usually in the same country, I don't think it was expected of guests to fund the brides/groom cost above meal/drinks level either back then.

My friend was invited to weekend hen do in a UK city which was £400 and didn't include all food/drinks and travel there either.

Not everyone has the financial means to be able to afford that type of trip, also not everyone has the lifestyle that would make it possible for them to go away for a four night break.
Personally if i was working part time with part time wage and had a young child I would say 'that sounds amazing and if i could, i would but sadly i cant afford that right now and wouldnt want to leave the baby so soon. Are you doing a local hen doo? If not what about a day out just the girls lets still celebrate?'

Ive been in a similar situation and anyone who is a real friend would totally understand. I cant imagine anyone who would want you in their wedding wouldnt understand. If they dont - try not to stress too much as it seems as if you already have enough on your plate.

However MOH definitely seems a bit sad about it, she has just put in the group chat she understands those with DC may not be able to do the holiday but I feel like even before having DC I wouldn’t of spent £1500 on a hen do and seems a bit of a dig at those who said no who are childless

I think you’re right @Reignydays That is a dig, I’d be really annoyed if someone said something like that if I declined an event. Not the brides fault but the MOH needs to stop trying to make people feel bad.

It doesn’t matter if you have kids or not it’s not unreasonable for anyone to choose not to spend £1500 on any kind of social event /trip.
For some people they would happily pay and that’s fine too - each to their own.

That reminds me, a friend seemed a bit off with me for a while when I wasn’t able to attend her destination wedding which was in a country outside the UK. This was about a decade ago and flights to the place cost about £1000 and I’d have to pay for a hotel room myself. I was a single woman living in London dealing with high rents myself whereas she’d always lived with her partner since uni and had therefore split costs. Additionally I worked in education while she worked in finance - enough said!

I noticed she was very understanding of a mutual friend who had a child that also declined, but less so of me although she never actually came out and said anything so I don’t know for sure why she responded differently to each of us.

Batshit. I was in a similar position 10 yrs ago and was torturing myself that I should try to find the cash when the bride to be commented that she planned to buy the bridesmaid's dresses there as they'd be $100 cheaper". So I could spend £1500+ so she could save $200. My gast was flattered at that especially as this was a mini hen for her closest friends and we were also expected to go to the UK 3 day weekend away in a city break with activities, dinner and to cover her costs. I declined. Relationship has never been the same since but my financial circs were never going to allow for two hens, one overseas and one overseas wedding for the same person.

You did miss the opportunity to respond to say "Wow Bride and MOH, that's an incredibly generous offer. I could never afford to do that myself never mind pay for 12 people. Are you really sure? "

I meant to say the destination wedding was held in a country outside europe

glad its sorted but hher dream? noone dreams about a hen do ffs

That is absolutely crazy, I actually can't believe that anyone would go along with that. Even if you can afford it, if you're committing to a holiday like that you surely want to able to choose your own itinerary and travelling companions. You are so not unreasonable.

We had friends who excitedly told us they were going to have a destination wedding and was chatting away about how exciting it will be dancing in the sun partying together etc until DH stopped them in their tracks and told them that baby was due a month before their wedding date.

They didn’t even stop for a second to ask if we would be able to spend £2K+ on their French wedding and didn’t even think about the fact I was pregnant and baby would be about 3 weeks old lol

Does anyone enjoy hen dos?

Nailed it.

The last one I went on was about 3 years ago - 2nd wedding, all of us in our late 40s or so. We had a really, really great day.

The others were all at the first wedding time - mid 20s and that cohort are celebrating 25 or 30 years of marriage now. The Hen Dos were a fun night out, the odd one was overnight, but in places like Norwich not Barcelona! We had a laugh, drank, had a meal, got a bit silly, and made a fuss of the Bride.
If Mother or MIL came along then they left after the day time event and we went out for the night.

You’re not being unreasonable to say no but she’s not being unreasonable to ask, especially as she’s taken the no’s well and hasn’t pressured you. As long as people accept others declining I don’t think there’s an issue.

Blowing thousands of pounds on a hen do abroad is symptomatic of having too much money.

Time was when brides-to-be were young (late teens to early twenties) and marriage was a rite of passage into adulthood, when they moved out of their childhood home and into their first marital home. At that age, very few had any money to splash around, so hen do's were low key affairs, often just an evening meal for friends and family, cooked by the bride's mother, a couple of days before the wedding.

My dear old dad used to say "some people have more money than sense!" I think these modern day hen parties epitomise that notion!

Any bride requesting her hen do to be abroad, and away for 5 nights, needs to understand, that not everyone is in a financial position to do that. You need to be honest with your friend, and tell her that either you can't go or can only go for X amount of days (depending on your financial position). She must know you've recently had a baby, and the baby isn't going to be very old, so therefore you may not feel comfortable leaving baby for 5 days. If she is a fair and decent friend, she should understand.

The one I enjoyed the most was a bingo and curry night. Just the funniest night out I’d had for ages. Relaxed, no high Instagram expectations!

I think my resentment at paying a fortune to go on a girls holiday is because I might be friends with the bride, but not always with her other friends. It’s absolutely not the same as a group of friends deciding to go on holiday together. And when you don’t know some/all of the other woman, you don’t know their budgets, their expectations, personalities etc.