For best friend / bridesmaid to reject abroad hen do?

[Reignydays]

I am the bridesmaid for one of my longest and closest friends getting married in Spring 2025.

Bride and MOH have put a message in the hen do group chat this morning that the plan for hen do is a 5 hour flight and 4 night break in April, about a month before the wedding.

I have just come off maternity leave and working part time. I do not know if I will be comfortable leaving DC for that amount of time nor can I afford it. I also have another 2 weddings in 2025 so 3 hen do’s next year.

I feel like as a best friend and bridesmaid I should go to her hen, but I just do not think I can afford it or be able too.

I worry that everyone else will think I’m being unreasonable in the group chat and she will question if she wants me to be bridesmaid.

Better to say now. I’d ring her and explain it’s not feasible baby wise or in budget to spend that length of time away. You would still love to be her bridesmaid but if she wants to rethink you understand.

I'd baulk at the idea of a 5 hour drive to a hen do, nevermind a 5 hour flight and 4 nights away !!!!

What happened to a few drinks and a meal with close friends?

It isn’t a hen do it’s a girls holiday!

Looks like the bride will be reasonable and sensible accepting the 'nos'. It is too much, it is too big an ask, it is ridiculous. These events are well out of hand.

Sorry just seen you are all sorted in update. You can enjoy a low key one here.

Glad to hear there’s going to be a local hen. These Han do’s get completely out of hand - my daughter was in a dilemma like you: she eventually went, but was miffed to find that other friends had decided not to go, so the upshot was that there weren’t many of them to cover the bride’s costs and it ended up being ridiculously expensive - they went for a weekend in Barcelona. I told her to learn from the experience and that the next time someone proposed a hen do abroad, to decline with regret at the earliest opportunity.

Bride seems to be OK with the fact everyone is saying no but I think the nerve to even ask people to pay £1500 for a 4 night hen do is quite ridiculous. When I first wrote my OP I felt bad for not going, now I’ve realised it’s quite bold of my friend to expect that of others

MOH has sent us a separate message in a new group chat to say that she wants to know all our budgets as she wanted to give bride the hen of her dreams lol

It's Mykonos isn't it?... Amazing place for hen, but it's £££££!

Be sure to include how much time you can afford, it's not just about money

I have said 2 nights and happy to pay X amount

I think that’s pretty reasonable

I feel like MOH is trying to make a point and seems almost “sad” that we can’t all make the 4 days 5* holiday

Bloody hell, people actually dream about their hen do? Christ almighty...

Aside from that, a real friend would understand your circumstances.

This destination holiday hen do and big birthday craze is absolutely ludicrous.

When I got married at the ripe old age of 35 aware most of my friends already had children so money was tight. I organised two hen do’s with them in mind as I wanted them there. One was a reasonably priced one night away basically a night out in another city (for my bridesmaids and a small group of my closest friends) and another hen night locally for work mates and less close friends (just a night out).

If bride or MOH cared one jot about you they would have asked if you would be ok with this ridiculously show off me me me expensive hen do destination before deciding on it.

Just say I am sorry I cannot attend unfortunately but if you are having a local hen do I will come to that one. Don’t feel guilty and don’t explain. If bridezilla or MOH have a strop about it that is up to them. Sometimes friendships change when one of you has DC and are living a different life maybe this one has run course.

£1500??? thats my holiday budget for the year!

Br specific X amount needs to include activities/food etc whilst there..not just flights and accomodation and then they expect you to pay more for activities etc. those can easily add up. Definitely not unreasonable to decline. Especially as don't know how you will feel leaving little one.

Just explain. Shes you're best friend she will be disappointed ɓut shd will understand. Also money is super tight on maternity

I’d have to work for just under a month and a half to earn that now I’m part time!

Bride and MOH have put a message in the hen do group chat this morning that the plan for hen do is a 5 hour flight and 4 night break in April, about a month before the wedding.

How do they have so little awareness of the fact that this is not realistic for the majority of people?

The Hen Dos I have been on have always been a discussion - you know, so everyone feels included.

Blimey. Now that's a hands-on mammy!! 😳

But at least if she's organising Hen-of-her-Dreams, no one else has to! 🤣

I do think they should of said that they are thinking of doing a hen do / girls trip but understand that’s expensive so will also do something local in their original message.

I genuinely think they were expecting us to all say yes.

On phone Bride did seem like she understands

However MOH definitely seems a bit sad about it, she has just put in the group chat she understands those with DC may not be able to do the holiday but I feel like even before having DC I wouldn’t of spent £1500 on a hen do and seems a bit of a dig at those who said no who are childless

Hen night of her dreams?? I feel she's getting confused with the honeymoon. If anything, that's the wedding-related holiday of a person's dreams surely. Bolting on an expensive, long distance holiday that you expect a dozen of your friends to go on with you is a delusion not a dream. Bonkers! Well done for evading.

I had a dinner at home for my close girlfriends 33 years ago. DIL had an afternoon at a spa followed by dinner fir her closest friends two years ago.

The entitlement of some people is extraordinary.

I’ve been in your position and I’ve also been the bride going abroad (it was a mixed celebration, excuse for a wee trip to Benidorm) but I didn’t expect anyone to come or put financial strain on themselves.

I’d call her first then put it on the chat so she isn’t finding out the same time as everyone else.

perhaps offer to arrange a bit of a home hen? Night out, overnight stay or something?

if she’s truly your friend she’ll understand.

A friend of my sister's announced that her hen weekend was going to be five nights at a luxury resort in Las Vegas with the additional expectation that as well as paying a for their flights, a hotel and of course all their food and drinks, they would be having a spa day, a casino night and see two different shows (tickets for which were $100-$150 each). The friend was relatively wealthy and so was her bridesmaid. Never seemed to occur to them that most people just don't have thousands of pounds and a week's annual leave available for a trip to celebrate someone else's upcoming wedding.

Predictably, they didn't get many takers.

I don’t think that’s fair, and I think all the comments sneering at the bride are a bit silly, personally. It’s absolutely fine not to want to go abroad for a hen do, but to assume that no one else does and that the bride is an awful person for wanting to is just odd. No one balks at the idea of a little holiday with friends until hen parties are mentioned!