For best friend / bridesmaid to reject abroad hen do?

[Reignydays]

I am the bridesmaid for one of my longest and closest friends getting married in Spring 2025.

Bride and MOH have put a message in the hen do group chat this morning that the plan for hen do is a 5 hour flight and 4 night break in April, about a month before the wedding.

I have just come off maternity leave and working part time. I do not know if I will be comfortable leaving DC for that amount of time nor can I afford it. I also have another 2 weddings in 2025 so 3 hen do’s next year.

I feel like as a best friend and bridesmaid I should go to her hen, but I just do not think I can afford it or be able too.

I worry that everyone else will think I’m being unreasonable in the group chat and she will question if she wants me to be bridesmaid.

Destination weddings are bad enough in terms of expectation of others but destination hen dos just set my teeth on edge. How self-absorbed to think that everyone needs to spend their money buying into the bride's hen do dream. Bridezilla territory. Do not feel bad if you think it is all just too much in terms of cost, time and distance away from your child. If she is a good friend, she will understand and, if she doesn't, at least you will know where you are in her priorities.

If your friends are the "Dubai types", I would start looking for some new friends...

I will never understand how this has become a ‘thing’. My answer to this would always be no, sorry. If I have the money for a break I want to be spending it as I see fit, not how someone else wants to tell me how to spend it and, quite honestly, in this climate a lot of people just don’t have the funds!

I think a ‘no, I am really sorry, thats not doable for me right now, but I hope everyone has a lovely time and hopefully we can arrange something local to celebrate together beforehand’ is sufficient!

Wish I had refused but felt I would be upsetting the bride to be. In the end being her bridesmaid cost me over £2K. Paying for hen abroad then hotels at wedding venue. Paying for dress etc. Ridiculous. She even used my car as a wedding car and didn't offer petrol money even though the church was 15 miles from the hotel. Plus my having to take it out of storage as it is a classic car. Extra insurance etc. Just be honest and say no. Oh and 'lovely' gift from her a cheap photo frame.

@sassyclassyandsmartassy - I always assume it’s become a thing because girls/lads holidays abroad have become a thing. If you go away most years with a group of your female friends, doing it again for your hen do and extending it out to wider friends / female family members doesn’t seem that odd.

my mums in a care home now so safe to say she’s had her last holiday, but for her whole life she only went on holiday with her parents or my dad, sometimes with me & my brother, but never with a female friend. I had 8 years between moving out of my parents home and living with the now dh, going on holiday /weekends away with female friends was pretty normal for me at that time in my life, but then my mum and many other woman I know didn’t have a break between living with parents and living with their partner so never did the friends holiday thing.

This actually sounds just right to me. Like others, I don't think you'll be the only person thinking this kind of "do" isn't for them.

I was in this exact situation and I didn’t go. I think people probably judged me, including my friend but we’re still friends and I just tried to be the best bridesmaid I could be otherwise

I never got the expensive hen doos, I would say with going back to work I can't get the time off but could do a weekend away with her separate or a spa day.

You are absolutely not being unreasonable. Your circumstances don't change because someone else makes big plans.
I don't subscribe to the idea that a bride's wishes are somehow sacrosanct and everyone else must fall in with what she plans, no matter how expensive, time consuming, unreasonable or simply impossible.
Getting married doesn't absolve one of basic courtesy and understanding.

I wouldn't even do a weekend away. Half a day at the spa, max, or a pub meal or something.

It's a wedding, not a coronation.

That's ridiculous getting married abroad and a hen do abroad. Expecting people to shell out loads to be there

I didn’t go to my sister’s hen do - I was MOH
despite being given plenty of warning I couldn’t justify the cost
Think she understood !
IMO and controversial I know but hen do and stag have become too big and when I married I ensured everyone could attend based on their budgets (most were on mat leave / PT)
I guess , it is down to the bride’s preferences though.

It’s HER dream - no one else’s and unfair to make others buy into it

Your outlook (£100 a head) is far more considerate and inclusive !

This may be cynical of me but MOH was possibly planning on giving herself a discount for organising everything so you all turning it down have spoiled her chance of a cheap holiday.

Well… here it goes

According to bride:

MOH inherited a large sum of money (I don’t know how much) and offered to pay for both her and bride to go abroad for her hen.

MOH was hoping we would pay for accomplishing and flights and she would pay for activities.

The accommodation and flights were £1500 total per person.

MOH explained in the group chat over the weekend like she was doing us a favour, she said it’s a “cheap” experience and she would be paying for the activities and food. Whilst I think it’s nice of her to pay for that, none of us having 1.5k sitting there to go away. She said she expected us all to jump at the chance. Anyway, we all said thanks but no thanks and the hen do is now a couple of nights in London.

No wonder so many friendships break down/change under such pressure and expectation.

No other scenario IMO, bar modern weddings, seem to make such unwarranted presumption on the finances of others.

I can really understand the annoyance and Ick people get for friends, for putting them in such a position in the first place.

Wow the MIL really thought people would jump at the chance of spending £1500 of there hard earned cash for someone else's hen party 🙄

In truth OP, being back at work and having a young baby you might find that you don't want to be away 2 nights either. Of course it might be fine, but you never know.

I would message MOH and say of course you want to celebrate your friend's wedding but do not want the whole hen do to be planned on the minimum commitment that you would be able to make as a fresh of maternity leave new Mum, so go ahead and plan and you will join as you feel able once deposits need to be paid.

@Reignydays - glad it is resolved now and 2 nights in London, sounds very, very much more sensible!!

@Reignydays

MOH explained in the group chat over the weekend like she was doing us a favour, she said it’s a “cheap” experience and she would be paying for the activities and food. Whilst I think it’s nice of her to pay for that, none of us having 1.5k sitting there to go away. She said she expected us all to jump at the chance. Anyway, we all said thanks but no thanks and the hen do is now a couple of nights in London.

Yeah, no 🙄 she knows she wasn’t doing any of you a favour at all. The amount for activities would probably have been a fraction of the £1500 you’ve each forked out for accommodation and flights. And she’d have backtracked on that no doubt and asked people to pay for some food/activities.

MOH needs to stop trying to manipulate and gaslight people into thinking it’s some great opportunity when people are stating they just can’t afford it.

If they’re that keen to go she should just go away with the bride by herself and they can have fun the two of them there together. And then celebrate with a wider group when they’re back. Simple!

It’s good they’ve agreed the two nights in London, if you’re intending to go to that I’d keep an eye on MOH’s plans to make sure she’s not demanding ridiculously high amounts for accommodation/activities. London can be pricey too! She might think because you all turned down the trip abroad you need to agree to anything she suggests in London to “make up for it”.

Not unreasonable in any way. Not everyone can afford to do something like that (I know I can't) and if they are your friends they will understand. PS As it's a month before the actual wedding maybe suggest a meal/cocktails as well just for a small number (maybe the others who can't go) or just the two of you in the 3 weeks between hen party and wedding?

Suggest another UK trip for people who can't afford it or don't want to go

DD just learned an expensive lesson on an old school friend's hen and wedding. Destination hen for 5 days in an expensive part of Europe; wedding was 2 days in a posh wedding resort here in the UK. She added up that the entire thing cost her £1800........and said it was devastating to effectively waste that money as they're renovating a money pit of a house. She said she could have carpeted 3 rooms for the same money and had far more value for it.

Sorry just read all the updates and I'm gobsmacked that moh has referred to it as the hen of her dreams. Like who dreams of their hen do? And why isn't the wedding of her dreams or the marriage of her dreams enough? Some people are just so greedy

I am glad to read others objected as well as you.

Hoping against hope this is the start of a trend so local hen and stag dos become the norm, giving money to local businesses and reducing flying.