For best friend / bridesmaid to reject abroad hen do?

[Reignydays]

I am the bridesmaid for one of my longest and closest friends getting married in Spring 2025.

Bride and MOH have put a message in the hen do group chat this morning that the plan for hen do is a 5 hour flight and 4 night break in April, about a month before the wedding.

I have just come off maternity leave and working part time. I do not know if I will be comfortable leaving DC for that amount of time nor can I afford it. I also have another 2 weddings in 2025 so 3 hen do’s next year.

I feel like as a best friend and bridesmaid I should go to her hen, but I just do not think I can afford it or be able too.

I worry that everyone else will think I’m being unreasonable in the group chat and she will question if she wants me to be bridesmaid.

I really really hate the emotional blackmail around hen nights, engagement parties and weddings - whether it's intentional or not. All the It's my dream, I'm only doing it once, it needs to be amazing blah blah blah. Even if it's not deliberate, it makes people feel guilty for wanting to say no, that doesn't work for me.

If everyone wants an overseas holiday hen-do, then great. IME there's normally at least one or two that don't want to, for various reasons but usually financial, and it irritates me that there's no thinking given over to whether your "dream" is actually feasible for your friends.

I would actually put it in the group chat, as others may feel the same but afraid to speak up
" Sorry, I can't afford either the cost or the time off work, so I'm not able to come"
If she drops you, she's not a friend
5 hour flight for a 4 day trip is nuts, imo

Good - glad it is all sorted @Reignydays and the bride was fine about it. Hope you all enjoy the local version of her hen do!

It sounds like your friend is being very reasonable so hopefully you can join the UK leg of her Hen Journey 🤗

Definitely tell her asap that you won’t be going on the hen do. I agree with others that explaining on the group chat might be encouraging for others who can’t afford it but are uncomfortable being the first to say so.

It would also avoid the possibility of her trying to persuade or pressure you into going.

I wouldn’t open the door to making the trip less expensive by saying you would go for two nights, because that might still be more than you want to pay.

That also wouldn’t address you not wanting to leave your baby at that stage.

I really despise this new trend of such extravagant hen dos. And the egos of these brides who think people should spend their money and annual leave on them!! I'm glad the bride has been understanding that it's not possible for everyone. I had a hen do experience where the childless bride wasn't understanding at all about reasons I couldn't go related to my children and we've never got back on track since. The selfishness is real with some of these brides sadly and the hen do (and of course Instagram posts) end up seeming more important than the actual wedding.

And I think that’s fair enough and a good resolution all round. I had a ‘hen do’ abroad - I sat it in inverted commas as it was a trip that was already planned with my sister and one good friend, which just happened to fall a couple of months before the wedding date. So, at sister and friend’s suggestion, we opened the invite up to anyone else who wanted to come along to make it a hen do. A few came, but lots couldn’t for whatever reason - including my other best friend and bridesmaid. Genuinely no issue at all, I’d have loved everyone to be there but completely understood it wasn’t possible.

I also had an afternoon/ night out in the uk which was just a few drinks and a meal - still tricky for some people as we’re all spread across the country, and I was genuinely so grateful to all those who made the effort.

Edited this as just seen OPs update

I'm glad it's worked out and she's being reasonable about it

Surely you’re not the only one of the group who must be in this position? I don’t know any of my friends (including me), who could easily afford that. Or they’d have to forego a family holiday to afford it. I’d message the bride privately first; explain situation and perhaps suggest an alternative you could do instead like 1 night out locally or a spa day.

Don’t understand all this, frankly. I had a one (big) night hen do in London to which I asked about 15 girls. 22 years ago.

I also asked same group if anyone fancied a girls’ weekend away, no pressure, somewhere in Europe as it was a good excuse to go away. Ie it was not a ‘hen weekend’ as such. Suggested a modest per head budget up front. My sister and 6 of the closer friends were all in. No one was badgered, cajoled or pressured. If no one but my sister had been free, we’d have gone away on our own. If my sister got flakey (she often does), I’d not have bothered.

It’s like every celebration nowadays ! Everything has to be so extravagant & over the

top! From kids birthday parties to baby showers it’s all for show these days ! Think I’m
getting old 😂

I'm glad your friend was gracious about it. I absolutely detest hen dos like this, and no matter how 'nice' the bride is, I think it's essentially a shitty thing to ask of your nearest and dearest and I would think badly of anyone asking this.

£1500, 4 nights and a 5hr flight – the mind absolutely boggles, and the mere fact that she even thought this was appropriate to put forward is shocking.

That's a good result! I'm glad common sense has prevailed. I mean, fine to do something ridiculous and over the top for those that want/can afford, PROVIDED that the bride doesn't get pissy with people who can't afford it (or just don't want to spend that much time / annual leave / money) and that people don't feel pressured to go.

I called bride and she said she will also do a UK hen do for those who cannot afford it and that she understands. She seemed fine about it.

Bride has now messaged in chat to say she understands it’s a lot of money and time off and now there are more messages flying in (12 of us) to say it’s too expensive but happy to do the local hen.

I think some people haven’t read OP’s update. She was just asking, but seems very understanding that people have declined and has offered a local alternative. No drama no fuss.

When my friend got married she invited me to the hen do but understood when I said it’s out of my budget and childcare- she has kids too.
I was fully up for a UK celebration

just be honest- if she doesn’t understand she’s not that good of a friend.

Yanbu, the insane trend of mini break or even just full holiday hen dos is so selfish and thoughtless. It should only ever be considered if everyone invited is 100% up for that.

Ive skipped at least 3 hen dos because they've consisted of a mini holiday that would have cost at least £600 a pop, one would have been well over £1000.

I think you need to turn it down, don't give yourself financial stress just for this. Sadly myself and a couple of friends had to do this for one of our friend's abroad hens...we weren't bridesmaids but are her oldest friends and the maid of honour was suggesting such pricey stuff and wouldn't let us book alternative (cheaper) accomodation. So she ended up not having an abroad hen at all as everyone pulled out as it was just too expensive for what it was.

an 4 night holiday that’s a 5 hour flight is a ridiculously big ask

SORRY! Just seen you have updated your thread so I’m editing this out. Glad that yours is no drama!!!

@Hoardasauruskaren - I reckon it’s because travel is relatively cheaper and couples get married later/have dcs later, so most people now have had a few years of earning ok not settled down yet so “girls/boys holidays” are more normal in younger people than older generations, like my mum who just went away with her parents then went away with her DH, then did family holidays with her dcs.

my close girlfriends are all married but we have a weekend away together every 6 months or so, if one of us was remarrying I’m pretty sure we’d make one of our usual trips a bit more fancy/open it up to her other friends/family.

Just be completely honest with her. Wish her and well and say you'd love to go but you just can't afford it. You could also say your husband cannot get that amount of time off to look after your baby while you are away. I have a sibling getting married abroad soon. When they were considering venues abroad, I told them I could not afford to go. They then booked and told me the date. I said great but I can't afford it I won't be there. Acting all shocked but it is what it is.

Getting married abroad is great for the couple doing it, but don't expect everyone else to be willing to give up their annual leave and go to huge expense for it. As for a hen/stag abroad as in your case OP, that's even worse! Best of luck.

My SIL has told me that she's having a week in Marbella for her hen do and if I don't go, I can't go to the wedding 😂 the funny part is that she isn't even living with BIL yet, let alone engaged.

Anyway, lots of girls love this stuff now. I think it's fine for her to ask, also fine for you to say no. My DD is 14 months and I've not spent a night away from her yet, wouldn't dream of leaving her for 4 nights. DH is a great dad but I'd miss her too much.

Like you, I had a local hen do with no over night stay.

It's a Hen Holiday really isn't it, nothing like a Hen night we all grew up with.
At least your bride is being reasonable and understanding op, some are not so level headed!

A cheery "look forward to the UK based one"

That's a great outcome OP.