For best friend / bridesmaid to reject abroad hen do?

[Reignydays]

I am the bridesmaid for one of my longest and closest friends getting married in Spring 2025.

Bride and MOH have put a message in the hen do group chat this morning that the plan for hen do is a 5 hour flight and 4 night break in April, about a month before the wedding.

I have just come off maternity leave and working part time. I do not know if I will be comfortable leaving DC for that amount of time nor can I afford it. I also have another 2 weddings in 2025 so 3 hen do’s next year.

I feel like as a best friend and bridesmaid I should go to her hen, but I just do not think I can afford it or be able too.

I worry that everyone else will think I’m being unreasonable in the group chat and she will question if she wants me to be bridesmaid.

They didn’t even stop for a second to ask if we would be able to spend £2K+ on their French wedding and didn’t even think about the fact I was pregnant and baby would be about 3 weeks old lol

That’s so thoughtless and quite frankly ridiculous @Reignydays

It shows how self absorbed people can be. I’m sure we all can get carried away with our plans at times, but some more much than others!!

There are times in your life where you do what you want to do and stop caring about if it offends someone else. My hen do was a night in a UK city 2 houra from home. One of my friends didn't want to leave our home town due to some family circumstances. We had a meal on another date and I didn't give it a second thought. I wouldn't be paying to go abroad for anyone's hen do!

If she feels THAT strongly about it, she can pay to have everyone there!

YANBU OP.

Does Bride have the money to cover your costs? If she does, you could go for however many nights you are comfortable without baby x

I think it’s the ring.
They put that ring on and their common sense flies out the window and the delusions of grandeur begin.
@Reignydaysmaybe you should ask your friend to remove her engagement ring when you speak to her about being unable to attend her hen.
Might go a little more in your favour.

I spent several weeks down in Brighton in the earlier part of the summer. It was full of hen parties - every weekend - and a fair few of weddings as well. This tells me that clearly not everyone feels the need for these competitive 'hen' weekends involving £Ks, lengthy flights, and a generous cut of annual leave.

I never even had (or wanted) a 'hen' event of any description for myself. For one thing they strike me as rather childish, and for another they come across as far too mandatory, and set-in-stone 'traditions' irritate me. Other people's weddings are therefore unsurprisingly not the centre and the sun of my life, nor are they going to be made so out of some misplaced sense of obligation. I have plans for my annual leave and holiday budget this year. (This meaning every year).

I'm amazed people find it so difficult to say 'no' to such outlandish and downright unreasonable requests. As for doing so at the expense of your child? That's a 'HELL, no!'

MOH and bride are having a laugh, surely? £1500 on a hen do abroad?!What a pisstake! Isn’t the ‘dream destination’ thing for the honeymoon? I could never ask that of friends. I was just ecstatic that they came to the wedding at vast expense as it was down south and most mates weren’t.

Cheeky. That would also be a 'no'.

Who are these people?

What did you reply?

Surely she's having the hen of her dreams isn't she?

Isn't this now for a UK one?

I'd feel like replying that the budget is whatever the Bride will pay for everyone!

My main request to my bridesmaids about my hen party was that it be done as cheaply as possible. I had several people I wanted to be there who simply couldn't afford to spend £100s on it.

My amazing MOH managed to keep my two night break under £75 per person which included accommodation, travel, breakfast x 2, dinner x 2, all games and decorations plus a cocktail making class. There was one lunch, one dinner out and one takeaway dinner to be paid separately and most of our alcohol consumption happened in our accommodation (air bnb).

Everyone had an amazing time. Your friend is being a selfish dick OP.

honestly I find these hen dos unreasonable. Even if/when I had the money I refuse. I wouldn’t sacrifice my financial goals for such an unreasonable and unnecessary request even if it’s for a very close friend.

It might be the bride’s dream but it’s a ridiculous expectation to put on other people. It’s not their dream. Just say you’d love to be there but there’s no way you can afford that trip.

When did it become the norm that guests would cover the bride's costs? I really don't get it. Why do I suddenly become responsible for paying not just my own costs but a share towards the bride's costs, because she made the choice to have 5 days in Marbella? Or Las Vegas? Or a mini-break in a luxury spa where it's considered that I am letting the side down if I don't pay for her treatments?

It's just so bloody grabby.

I got married a bazillion years ago. Back then, you had a hen 'night' - not a do, and certainly not one that lasted for several days, abroad!

Mine was, actually, very dull as most of my guests were either pregnant or had small children at home.

Can I just ask why so many of you think the destination is Dubai? Genuinely surprised why a hen do would be that far away. OP, YANBU - far too expensive & too much of your time. Very demanding request!

Nope. I still have nightmares about one of the ones I went to, many years ago.

But if you're going away with friends for a holiday, you generally have some input into the destination/dates/cost etc. Everyone gets together and discusses it and comes to an agreement.

With a hen night, the bridesmaids consult the bride and they decide amongst themselves. Then they set up a Whatsapp group (what did people do before Whatsapp?) and announce it all. So the participants are expected to fall in with these plans even though nobody asked if they were happy about the destination/dates/cost.

And there's a pressure to go because it's a unique event which won't ever be repeated (all going well!). Whereas you can opt out of a holiday safe in the knowledge that there's always next time.

I'm amazed people find it so difficult to say 'no' to such outlandish and downright unreasonable requests. As for doing so at the expense of your child? That's a 'HELL, no!'

There was no risk to the expense of my child just to make that clear, I wouldn’t have been able to go for many reasons. I didn’t even consider saying yes, lol! Just didn’t want to come across rude to the bride, but she took it well so all good. I know what you mean though, absolutely hell no to spending £1500 on someone’s hen do. Even if it was my own sister I’d think that’s insane of her to ask and would say no.

It isn’t Dubai but I think it’s because of the flight length I mentioned and the cost. Plus it’s a very common hen do destination atm x

I know it’s insane isn’t it. I don’t see the harm in splitting the bill for a restaurant out hen do that’s an extra £6 on everyone’s bill but why should the hen choose an expensive destination and then expect others to split the bill.

My friend wouldn’t have expected that, but I know there are definitely people out there that would expect it.

I know, they were quite flustered when we said we couldn’t make it and it was too expensive. The thought didn’t even cross their mind that not everyone has £2K sitting there to go to their wedding abroad, funnily enough they didn’t have their destination wedding due to family members not being able to afford it

YANBU at all, OP. I agree with a PP who said that as soon as the ring goes on, all common sense flies out the window. I got married ten years ago and none of my bridesmaids came abroad for a hen do. They’re my four closest friends and none of them are big drinkers or party people, so they organised a lovely local meal for us to celebrate together. We had a wonderful time, then I had a hen do abroad with other close friends who were up for something a bit more lively.
If she’s that good a friend, she will understand.

I wouldn't go under these circumstances and would tell her ASAP.

I was invited to a foreign hen once and by far the word thing was that soooo many people enthusiastically said they were up for it, only to drop out when deposits needed paying. Definitely let her know sooner rather than later.

100% not unreasonable! She’s your friend. Explain to her exactly how you have here. Being a bridesmaid isn’t conditional on being able to make a hen do, especially abroad. If she does drop you, she didn’t deserve you in the first place.

This is such an unreasonable expectation! I think if it's given as an option and acknowledged that it's a lot of money and no pressure then that's fine but to expect people to spend that amount and leave their lives for 4 nights! I think it's outright rude! You absolutely didn't need to provide a max budget or any justification to someone else either.

Just say you’re sorry but can’t afford it