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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Am I selfish to consider having a child alone?

354 replies

Mildredpettigrew · 02/08/2024 12:37

I'm not good at getting men to want to date me/have a relationship with me unfortunately despite being considered attractive, nice and so on.
So I've accepted it may never happen.

It feels kinda hurtful to see all the married couples and children and consider that they may never happen, but that's how it is.

I've dated lots, they just don't feel the spark. I've tried my best, I'm very slim, attractive, have hobbies, financially independent, kind, told I'm funny, intelligent etc. They just don't feel a spark.

I know having a baby alone is controversial. I may have to look into other alternatives, because meeting someone may well never happen for me.

OP posts:
completeworks · 02/08/2024 12:38

I really have sympathy with wanting to do this.

I struggle to square the idea of bringing someone into the world purposefully denying them their father.

Children tend to need both their parents, ideally.

Original poster
Mildredpettigrew · 02/08/2024 12:39

completeworks · 02/08/2024 12:38

I really have sympathy with wanting to do this.

I struggle to square the idea of bringing someone into the world purposefully denying them their father.

Children tend to need both their parents, ideally.

I get that.

So because I'm failing to attract a man, I should probably consider the rest of my life alone then.

OP posts:
MrsSkylerWhite · 02/08/2024 12:40

How much time will you be able to spend with the child?
If they are in full time childcare, with just one parent who isn’t with them much, I’d say not ideal.

Edingril · 02/08/2024 12:41

It's not about you think of it from the child's point

completeworks · 02/08/2024 12:41

What do you think of adopting? These children already exist and need someone though I appreciate it's not for everyone.

I'm really on the fence about solo parenting

Neverhurt · 02/08/2024 12:42

I don’t agree with PP, children need more than one adult in their life, but that doesn’t need to be two parents. Strong bonds with aunts uncles friends or grandparents can help. Having role models of both sexes is important as well, so if you choose to do it alone make sure you find strong male role models for your child.

many single parents do an amazing job bringing fantastic children into the world who go on to make enormous contributions to society, so I don’t see why you shouldn’t!

MidnightPatrol · 02/08/2024 12:42

How old are you?

CultOfRamen · 02/08/2024 12:44

There’s absolutely nothing wrong with being a single parent. If you can manage financially go for it.

Original poster
Mildredpettigrew · 02/08/2024 12:45

Yep, fully aware it's 'not about me'. When a couple choose to have a baby together, it's also 'not about them'.

I'm 33. Please don't tell me I still have time and I never know, men are not interested. End of.

OP posts:
completeworks · 02/08/2024 12:46

CultOfRamen · 02/08/2024 12:44

There’s absolutely nothing wrong with being a single parent. If you can manage financially go for it.

In your opinion.

Some of the children purposefully conceived without one of their parents say it's really fucked them up. There are Facebook groups.

Some will try and track their donors etc.

Searchingforthelight · 02/08/2024 12:46

I have a couple of friends in this scenario, went for it and it was absolutely the right thing for them!

if you have a good network it will help immensely

hard work but the great joy and meaning in their lives, and their children are happy souls.

Newtowns1 · 02/08/2024 12:48

With a sperm donor? Purposefully going out of your way to create a child without a father or that link to its identity? Yes I think that's pretty selfish and I wouldn't do it.

But I wouldn't rule out adoption as a single parent. But personally not sure I could do it.

CultOfRamen · 02/08/2024 12:49

completeworks · 02/08/2024 12:46

In your opinion.

Some of the children purposefully conceived without one of their parents say it's really fucked them up. There are Facebook groups.

Some will try and track their donors etc.

Show quote history

I’d argue that there are just as many fucked up kids with two actively involved. Look at the rates of domestic violence should give you a clue.

Original poster
Mildredpettigrew · 02/08/2024 12:49

Feel free to tell me I sound bitter, snippy etc. well, I am.

I just cannot make men feel this 'undeniable spark'.

I have had one abusive relationship, various short-term things where they usually slow-faded me, and then I recently split with my ex , well last year, because he didn't want to marry/have a child even after years.

I do my best to look good. I have a busy life, I travel. I'm not a horrible person, I show an interest in others, I get told they really like talking to me, and so on. They just don't want me

OP posts:
Arrivapercy · 02/08/2024 12:50

Are you dating men the same age and perhaps being quite clear that you are desperate to settle down and have a family?

The kind of men who are single in mid thirties are often the commitment avoiders. The ones who end longish relationships because their girlfriend is getting tired of waiting for a proposal or wants to at least talk about a family one day.

You might do better dating men approaching 40 who've got over that phase and have realised all their friends are married with kids... a whole load of the ones who dumped a lovely woman at 32 because they were scared of marriage, suddenly are very keen to settle down at 39/40.

Dahliasrule · 02/08/2024 12:50

DD has had two children on her own. Like you, she hadn’t found the right partner and time was ticking. I would say you need a strong support network, your parents, other family, good friends. She has a flexible job. Again, very useful for appointments etc. The children are fully aware, as are their friends. They have information about their donor parent which they will receive when they are 18. It is not a decision to be taken lightly but it can work.

MeowCatPleaseMeowBack · 02/08/2024 12:51

Yes. Very. But I think you really just want to rant about your dating struggles? AIBU not the best place for that.

Cookiecrumblepie · 02/08/2024 12:51

I don’t think this is controversial, know quite a few professional women whose have gone down this route. They have a village, child is loved and has a wonderful life. Do it.

jerkchicken · 02/08/2024 12:52

I am on the fence about this - I completely understand the desire to do it. I have a close family member who was single in her 40s and had a child using donor sperm. She is over the moon and he is a lovely, happy child.

But now at age 6, he is already asking a lot of questions about the lack of a father in his life. I do feel for children in this situation and what it will be like for them as they grow up. (to be fair, this child is in a country where donors have lifelong anonymity and so they will never know each other)

there are no easy answers, I guess.

thisisasurvivor · 02/08/2024 12:53

completeworks · 02/08/2024 12:38

I really have sympathy with wanting to do this.

I struggle to square the idea of bringing someone into the world purposefully denying them their father.

Children tend to need both their parents, ideally.

Wtaf????

PleaseletitbeSpring · 02/08/2024 12:54

I would if I were 33 and no permanent partner on the horizon. A friend did this and had triplets! She had a good support system thankfully.

jerkchicken · 02/08/2024 12:54

jerkchicken · 02/08/2024 12:52

I am on the fence about this - I completely understand the desire to do it. I have a close family member who was single in her 40s and had a child using donor sperm. She is over the moon and he is a lovely, happy child.

But now at age 6, he is already asking a lot of questions about the lack of a father in his life. I do feel for children in this situation and what it will be like for them as they grow up. (to be fair, this child is in a country where donors have lifelong anonymity and so they will never know each other)

there are no easy answers, I guess.

And yes, my relative has a large, close family and lots of people who love and care for her child. This is essential I feel.

Original poster
Mildredpettigrew · 02/08/2024 12:55

I've just been rejected by a 37 year old who apparently fancied me then didn't 3 seconds later.
Not sure what age I should be going up to really? Early 40s?

OP posts:
thisisasurvivor · 02/08/2024 12:55

MeowCatPleaseMeowBack · 02/08/2024 12:51

Yes. Very. But I think you really just want to rant about your dating struggles? AIBU not the best place for that.

Omg

OP

Ignore lots of the shit on this thread

The stork on Facebook is amazing
Solo parent support

Kind and. Non judgemental

Some of the views on here are total trash !!!!!!

Original poster
Mildredpettigrew · 02/08/2024 12:55

I would have good family support, luckily.

OP posts:
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