Am I selfish to consider having a child alone?

[Mildredpettigrew]

I'm not good at getting men to want to date me/have a relationship with me unfortunately despite being considered attractive, nice and so on.
So I've accepted it may never happen.

It feels kinda hurtful to see all the married couples and children and consider that they may never happen, but that's how it is.

I've dated lots, they just don't feel the spark. I've tried my best, I'm very slim, attractive, have hobbies, financially independent, kind, told I'm funny, intelligent etc. They just don't feel a spark.

I know having a baby alone is controversial. I may have to look into other alternatives, because meeting someone may well never happen for me.

Children are brought into the world in all sorts of ways. You could argue that ANYBODY having a child is selfish. No one is perfect. So is everything else ok as long as there are two parents? Is it ok to have a low income, or to both work full time, or live in an urban area or a rural area or smoke or have mental health problems or have too much family or not enough family? There are endless things that may of may not be ideal. I don’t think raising a child by yourself is the worst of all of these.

I’m not great with kids ages but the pair are about 6 and 9 and the individual ones are both about 8 I think.

There is trauma from a lot of things in life. I’m sorry about your mother. This does not mean the op will have a traumatised child.

You could always choose a donor who is happy to be contacted later on down the line. There are endless options.

This was my Plan A, aged 22 and a very long time ago. I succumbed to societal norms and married an arsehole instead.

I still believe I should've gone with Plan A.

Any properly nice man who's either in your life now, or whom you meet in the future, can be a 'father figure' to your DC.

My husband died when I was pregnant. Yes, it has affected my child even though they never knew him, but they do know that they had a father who very much loved and wanted them. That's the difference.

You can say it's worked once the kids are adults and see how they feel about it/how it's gone then

Yeah but the adult children might?

I've said this on here before but if you're going to do this, make sure you've got extensive, well thought out contingency plans if something happens to you.

A cousin of mine was in a similar position. She had her much wanted child but unfortunately got cancer and died when he was 12. Her parents weren't in a position to take him in so another cousin became his guardian and he moved in with their family.
It wasn't a happy story. He was seriously messed up losing his only parent at a vulnerable age, caused havoc in his 'new' family ( he did know them before this) and as soon as he was 18 off he went to Australia. No one hears from him now.

Of course things go wrong in anyone's life but deliberately setting out to give a child only one parent is more complicated. Babies are lovely, angry teenagers less so.

You're writing style makes me think this is a joke! Anyone else? Not read the whole thread BTW.

But in answer to your question:- yes. You are being selfish.

Do you have children?

Do you have a male friend you could use as donor? I was desperate for children and would have done it alone. Now I realise that wouldn't have been fair on my DC for the following reasons

• they need their father profoundly
• they spend less / no time in childcare because we can both look after them
• we can afford a better life on 2 incomes
• I am a better mother for having a supportive partner.

However a friend of hi could be in your child's life a little would be better than nothing and a good support system in the family

You can also give answers about their dad, including relevant health information. Sperm donor children are denied half their identity and can't get any information until they're 18. They also have no idea about how many siblings they have.

Sorry for your loss.

The sibling thing is wild.
Imagine knowing you could have 10s of half siblings up and down the country.

Total nonsense

Just utter 💩

Adopt an unwanted child.

@thisisasurvivor

Are you a solo parent? Because you're very defensive

Having a child is the most selfish thing you can do. I have 2. If you have love, stability & lots of support, go for it. But I don't think you're too old to meet someone yet & have a family.

Two wrongs don't make a right. Can you imagine how heartbreaking it must be to never know you who your Father was? Plenty of people have told us how soul destroying that is. How it affects every aspect of their lives, for the rest of their lives. It is an awful thing to do to a child especially on purpose.

@MrsSkylerWhite

How is this any different to having 2 parents working full time?
I am a single parent by choice, via adoption.
I was fortunate to be able to work part time but I'd say that judging by the number of women here who are both working and shouldering the lions share of child and domestic work, I got a good deal on the time front.
No husband cluttering up the house, my son had my full attention, the whole weekends spent together with no resentment about partners hobbies or sport obsessions. We were able to do what suited us, when it suited us. It worked just fine.

I don't think it's ideal to do it alone but life isn't ideal, giving your baby the best life you can without a partner isn't selfish, your child can have other male role models in their life. A different route could be co-parenting, https://pollentree.com/ I think is the largest site in the UK, for people who want raise a child together in a platonic relationship

Yes, I think so.

“Purposefully denying them their father.” Have you read the many many threads on here where women are carrying the load alone even when married? Men who have abandoned their families? If this woman can give a child a loving home, I’d have to disagree with you. There is no guarantee a man will be a father. There are lots of single mothers who do a fantastic job.

@tara66

as an adoptive parent I consider that a really offensive remark.
Children in the care system can have very complex histories, but there are rarely there because they are simply 'unwanted'.

My wife and I have a child via a sperm donor. Do you think this is an awful thing to do? Or does this only apply to a single woman doing it?

I don’t see anything wrong with going it alone as long as you have the resources and support to do so. However I wouldn’t consider this at 33. I understand you’re having a rough time with dating but I’d give it another 3/4 years before contemplating doing this.