Am I selfish to consider having a child alone?

[Mildredpettigrew]

I'm not good at getting men to want to date me/have a relationship with me unfortunately despite being considered attractive, nice and so on.
So I've accepted it may never happen.

It feels kinda hurtful to see all the married couples and children and consider that they may never happen, but that's how it is.

I've dated lots, they just don't feel the spark. I've tried my best, I'm very slim, attractive, have hobbies, financially independent, kind, told I'm funny, intelligent etc. They just don't feel a spark.

I know having a baby alone is controversial. I may have to look into other alternatives, because meeting someone may well never happen for me.

YANBU

I know women who have chosen this and they absolutely don’t regret it.

What do you think of adopting? These children already exist and need someone though I appreciate it's not for everyone.

Adoption in the uk really shouldn't be considered as a back up plan for childlessness. Most children in the adoption system in the UK have suffered severe trauma or the impacts of substance abuse pre natally, and going into adoption you really need to have an altruistic main purpose/vocation of caring for children who are likely to have additional needs/challenges.

Having children is inherently a selfish choice imo.
I have three, I cannot tell you not to have one as I would be a hypocrite.

Tell that to all the adults with trauma from not knowing their birth parents. It causes all sorts of issues no matter how lovingly they are raised.

My own mother experienced that. It matters.

You’re so right OP.
You’re never going to please everyone. It’s your life; if you’ve got means to support a child on your own and it’s what you want, go for it.
You don’t want to look back and think about what could’ve been if you hadn’t listened to the opinions of other people.

Well with that attitude you won’t find anyone for sure

Why on earth did you quote my post for that reply?

I was more positive but constant rejection makes it difficult

I know 3 women that have done this in their mid to late 30’s (one of them actually has 2 using the same donor). All have wonderful, happy, well adjusted children.

Plenty of kids in full time childcare with two parents who are then splitting that limited free time between numerous kids. How is this worse?

And no one has a child for the child's benefit. No one is doing a child a favour on birthing them. It's always a selfish desire from the parents or a hard choice in a shit situation.

How are you planning on doing it? Buying sperm online.
personally I think it’s unfair on the child (one of my parents died when I was a child and it’s awful to grow up missing a parent) and secondly being a single parent is HARD WORK. Unless you have an excellent family network close by that can help you, babysit when you are sick or baby is sick, have an excellent maternity package and flexible job, forget it.

I have a friend who has done this and has 2 gorgeous kids. Her mum is extremely hands on and provides more than many fathers would. If you can afford it and the practicalities will be ok then why not? Many people bring children into the world with only 1 adequate parent- I would say a good mum and lots of family is way better than a good mum and a shit abusive man child father.

@Mildredpettigrew I've worked with two women who have done this now. You should definitely do it.

What is Plan B for the child's upbringing if something dire happens to you? People do get in auto accidents, cancer etc at young ages.

With all kindness, I think it is a selfish notion.

Solo and childfree people can still have great lives.

Ooooooh

I reckon you need to grow up and chill out before having a child, especially one on your own!

On the fence about solo parenting but you're suggesting solo adoption? Because adopted children are of course famous for being really easy and having far fewer needs than a biological child...
@MonsteraMama

Children without parents already exist.

Solo parenting explicitly sets out to deprive a child of half of their biological family.

What don't you understand?

Why don't couples adopt, then?
They do, don't they.

This alone makes me think you're not in the right state of mind to have a child. You have to put them first always. No exceptions.

Yes well I agree with this.

Adoption is not a consolation prize for people who can't have biological children. Adopting a child as a single parent would come with the exact same difficulties as having a child as a single parent, coupled with whatever trauma and additional needs the adopted child would have. I don't know how you can be on the fence about single parenting but think the same issues wouldn't exist adopting a child as a single parent.

How old are the children?

I was 'fine' until I had my own children (31 years plus) and then I really struggled with my upbringing and with my parents.

I have been in your shoes. I know EXACTLY what you describe in terms of men not feeling the spark for you.
So many women have children with bad partners, don't feel selfish for doing it alone.

I ended up meeting at dh 38 but it's not been an easy journey and with anyone you meet later, there will be difficult decisions and compromises.
Read the step parent forum to get vaccinated against the idea of a partner with children, for instance...

We live in an imperfect world. There is never a perfect time.

I empathise. On the one hand, no I don't think it's ideal and I think 2 (happy) parents are preferable, but equally, if I was in that situation I can imagine me considering the same. So for that, I couldn't really judge, is it selfish? Yes I guess so, but no one is having a baby for purely puritanical reasons, everyone has their own selfish reason for having a child.

I'm a single parent, and have been for many years.

It's bloody hard work, there's nobody else there emotionally, financially, physically. It also makes meeting someone very difficult as well.

Although my situation is different to what yours would be, you need to research what you'll tell the child and the best way to go about it without fucking them up. I would fund groups regarding this and speak to people who are in your potential child's position and ask lots of questions.

It's not a ridiculous idea, but you do need to go into it with your eyes wide open.

My child became disabled a few years back so I can't work now as she needs me 24/7, I was ill a few years before that and it was an absolute nightmare. This is the kind if stuff you need to get a plan in place for because it will just be you.

@MonsteraMama I explained already.