Am I selfish to consider having a child alone?

[Mildredpettigrew]

I'm not good at getting men to want to date me/have a relationship with me unfortunately despite being considered attractive, nice and so on.
So I've accepted it may never happen.

It feels kinda hurtful to see all the married couples and children and consider that they may never happen, but that's how it is.

I've dated lots, they just don't feel the spark. I've tried my best, I'm very slim, attractive, have hobbies, financially independent, kind, told I'm funny, intelligent etc. They just don't feel a spark.

I know having a baby alone is controversial. I may have to look into other alternatives, because meeting someone may well never happen for me.

The stork and I Instagram

I’d say this @Mildredpettigrew. I think a lot here are being harsh. (PS I am a parent)

Yeah I'd agree with this.

To play devil's advocate, how is it very different from the father leaving you whilst you're pregnant/the child is very young and doesn't remember. Which unfortunately happens.

@thisisasurvivor what's confusing you?

I work in immigration, and the amount of single mothers who have no father listed on the birth certificate/state that the father has zero involvement, is shocking.

That's not done on purpose.

The standard of now men is low - id go it alone. Many women have no choice but to do it alone.

Just make sure you have the support network and money to help you do it alone.

Unlike a lot of other posters, I am not ideologically opposed to the idea of being a single parent by choice, in principle.

I would say to a certain extent it depends on what the rest of your life looks like. Do you have brothers, sisters, involved parents, close friends, cousins, basically other people who can help you plug that gap and become your village? Do you have an active social life or are you very shy and introverted?

The reason I ask is because if you were approaching 40 I would be a lot more understanding of the fear that you will not meet a man in time to have children the traditional way. Whereas at 33, this sounds like a self esteem problem. I'm not sure it's a great idea to have a baby on your own because at the age of 33 you're worried you will die alone.

I think you could benefit from some counselling to get to the bottom of why you feel like this. If you have low self esteem because men aren't interested in you and men aren't interested in you because you have low self esteem, it's a self fulfilling prophecy. I think the priority for you should be to break this cycle and learn how to like yourself. You'll probably find that men do too.

And then if, in two or three years' time, you're in a much better place mentally, but still terminally single, consider going it alone.

It's quite normal where I live (London), common enough not to be unusual or remarked upon. I know four mothers who did this, but three did so with friends rather than anonymous donors. In two cases, they co-parent with the friend (which can cause problems, but no more than co-parenting after a divorce, probably less stressful for the children as they aren't party to the disagreements etc.). They're all very happy and their children are thriving.

The important thing is having support, networks of other parents, particularly other lone parents in similar situations if possible, so you can ensure your child has other people in his or her life and that you have support.

But you’ve asked whether it’s fair on the child, not you. The answer is it’s not fair (IMO)

Because of the intent. They’ll be able to trace their dad, know who they are, know their mother didn’t seek to deprive them of one half of their family.

I agree with a few others who have said it's not about you it's about the child.
I know of a woman who thinks it's ok to live separately from her second child's father because well she's done it before, and it suits her and she gets benefits etc. But what about the child, also what you are teaching the child as they grow up.

I mean again it depends on age too, not to feel you need to panic if there is no need.

I am shocked as you are the opposite to me, and i was always made to believe by men it's my weight that is a problem. Now on top of that it's age, and having a child blah blah.

Omg some of the responses on here!!

Absolutely not selfish!
It would be difficult and you would need a good support network but that's also the same for 2 parent families!

A lot of closed minded responses on here.

Please stop with the patronising 'It's not about you.'

Does anybody have a child for purely selfless reasons?

If you write that again, I will just not reply to it.

On the fence about solo parenting but you're suggesting solo adoption? Because adopted children are of course famous for being really easy and having far fewer needs than a biological child...

It's a hard one. Plenty of kids only have one parent, through either death or divorce, or the parent just not being involved. If you can still provide a loving home and good life then I don't see a problem especially if you have a good support network.

You would need to have a think about what u wld tell the child as they grow up. They would at least know they were very wanted.

In your shoes I wouldn't be considering it quite yet but I would in a few years.

Also the child doesn't need to grow up without a dad completely. You could have a baby and meet someone in a few years that would be happy to take the child on as their own.

It’s not ideal. But many children live in less than ideal situations. There are abusive relationships and couples who are neglectful and poor at parenting.
To me it’s about the standard of nurture and care the child receives much more than who provides it .

Ha ha yeah, they do that to help their application. I won't go in to things too much, but I know many who did this and happily with their partner but it helps pave the way for them and it works, then the fathers often get their visa through one of their kids.

I disagree. Children do not need a mother and a father. Nor do they need 2 parents. What they need is love, safety and happiness. Single women can absolutely provide that, and there is nothing wrong with it.

Why don't couples adopt, then?

OP, don't feel guilty about doing it for the right reasons. But check you're not doing it for the wrong ones.

How old are you? Do you know anything about your own fertility? Have you done all the things you want to do that are much more difficult /expensive to do once you have a child? Do you have a support network that will help you raise the child? Can you afford it?

I know 2 people that have done it but it’s not something that I think is right personally. I think it is very selfish as it’s part of the trend in having “a right” to have a child and I don’t believe anyone does.

Obviously the ones I know are loved and cherished and have fabulous lives with doting mothers. But I do think they had the right to have fathers (both were conceived with donors) so I can’t reconcile it personally (but I also mind my own business, it’s their decision).

Does anybody have a child for purely selfless reasons?

No, but the particular circumstance you are considering is unusual, and not typically ideal for the child and so it takes a bit of a leap to make that choice.

If i was 35 in your shoes however, I'd probably consider it.

Have you got any male friends whom you don't click with relationship wise, but who might be open to co-parenting? This might be a better way as the child has a chance at a relationship with a father who wanted to have them.

OP, you're asking the wrong question really. Of course it is selfish. You would be doing it because you want a child, not because anyone else wants a child. Does that make it the wrong thing to do, for you and your future child? That depends on what your life looks like, as others have said. I personally wouldn't – but that's because most of my family now live outside the UK and I don't want to move. If you have a village and enough money to do this and have stress-tested the possibilities, go for it. Physically at 33 it's better than doing it when closing in on 40.

In your own words, you are bitter and snippy. Make peace with yourself, then consider motherhood.