Am I selfish to consider having a child alone?

[Mildredpettigrew]

I'm not good at getting men to want to date me/have a relationship with me unfortunately despite being considered attractive, nice and so on.
So I've accepted it may never happen.

It feels kinda hurtful to see all the married couples and children and consider that they may never happen, but that's how it is.

I've dated lots, they just don't feel the spark. I've tried my best, I'm very slim, attractive, have hobbies, financially independent, kind, told I'm funny, intelligent etc. They just don't feel a spark.

I know having a baby alone is controversial. I may have to look into other alternatives, because meeting someone may well never happen for me.

She will grow up in a house filled with love and opportunities. She has known from the day we brought her home how loved she is and the rest of our lives will be dedicated to making sure she is supported and as happy as she can be. That is far more than lots of unfortunate children brought into this world via a man and a woman.

Sperm doesn’t create belonging, unconditional love does. I won’t be replying anymore so save your energy.

I know three or four professional females, who are financially stable and have good support, that have had children through a donor. Secure, stable environment. Extended family committed too.

I also have a family member, professional job, financially stable, who married and divorced quickly, denying the DF and his family contact with the child and alienating the child from DF. Traumatic for the child and family.

A couple of years later she remarried, has a second child and within 6 months of DD2’s birth, is going through a second divorce. She is refusing contact between DC2 and this child’s DF and his family.

DC1 now 7, is receiving therapy.

Of course a stable family life with two parents is preferred but of the above I know which route is more emotionally secure for the children.

@Combattingthemoaners love is one thing and that's great.

You clearly haven't listened to donor-conceived children or indeed adopted children. Some feel like an inate part of them is missing.

@Mildredpettigrew if you are on Facebook have a look at the solo mothers by choice group. The ethics of this are hard and I debated it myself (in my mind i thought if I hadn't been on the track to have a child traditionally by 38 I would have done it). However im not sure if I would have actually gone through with it when push came to shove. As it happens I did get pregnant the "traditional way" at 36 after being single for practically my whole adulthood. Maybe look at getting a fertility check soon to see if you have time to play with x

Unfortunately, yes I think so.

My cousin died leaving two very small tots, they were in nursery 5 days a week out of necessity. It was hard work for the dad, but if you’re up for the hard work, I don’t see why not.

Plenty of children end up with only one parent - i don't think you are being selfish. If you are unsure right now, have you considered freezing your eggs as a way to potentially give yourself more time?

But not on the fence about solo parenting for an adopted child?

Pish, of course you can. There are loads of single mums like myself abandoned by men who decided they didn't want kids after they were born.
Are single abandoned mums selfish too?
My mum was abandoned and raised me on her own, my grandfather and uncle were my male role models and I was also abandoned after my husband who was desperate for a girl and left when I had a boy.
DS is 40 now and has never missed having a father. He did catch up with him a few years ago and said he was a total waste of space who had achieved nothing his whole life.
He hasn't gone back.
Perfect families don't exist anymore. I have a successful career and my own home, DS does as well, last night we were on the phone for 2 hours laughing about things.
It's better if you have some kind of family around for your child to have a relationship with and offload to but generally no reason why you can't do it.
You only have to read mumsnet posts to see how many divorces there are. They are so much worse for a child.
I have friends who have done just this and they are all perfectly happy.

Yeees as explained, in the case of adoption that child already exists. No one is creating a child knowing they'll only know half their family

I actually came here, after reading the title, to comment 'go for it' with various reasons in agreement for single parents etc.

However, upon reading further, every response you have made, bar one, seems to be focusing on your lack of a partner to have said child with and men not being interested, rather than the actual reality of having a child on your own.

Therefore, in my opinion, perhaps having a child is not actually your issue, it is your despondence on not being able to find a partner. Have you had any therapy around this issue at all? It might be that you need to dig a little deeper into the real issue here.

@Mildredpettigrew I'd absolutely consider it if I were in your position. So many children grow up happily with a single parent. Some of the comments on this thread are bizarre!

I know someone who did this. Her fiancé called off their relationship and ghosted her a few weeks before their wedding.

A year or so later she had a baby on her own. She is a lovely, lovely mother. Her daughter is at school now, a complete sweetie and thriving. She has good family support and a network of close friends. She has wonderful male role models in her uncle, grandpa and friends of her mother.

It can be done and done well. And certainly there is no reason why it would be worse than having a baby with one of the many useless, lazy, feckless, disengaged or abusive men you see complained about all the time on MN.

I don't think it's any more or less selfish than having a child with a partner. I think considering carefully why you want a child is important for everybody

Have a look at the book ‘We are Family’ by Susan Golombok. Proper research on the impact of different family structures rather than a lot of the anecdotal nonsense being spouted. There’s no evidence at all that children are disadvantaged by being brought up by single parents provided they are told openly and honestly from an early age about how they are conceived.

To answer your question no. I considered it at age 34 when I was in the process of breaking up with my ex. I decided it wasn't for me though and luckily I met DH after a short time frame.

I think having a good support network though is important as others have said so the child doesn't just have you. I had DS at 39 without intervention so you may still have plenty of time to see how things pan out.

Could you look into the process and how to get things started as that might help your decision making too if you're on the fence about whether to go ahead.

Why don't couples adopt, then?

It’s the usual refrain given to those seeking sperm donor / egg donor… Except those people didn’t adopt, did they? No, they were able to have their own biological children, so they did. But when people who can’t have their own biological children try to have a family, then out comes the ‘its selfish’, ‘adopt’, etc…

Mid 30s men are notorious for not wanting to settle down. If they got to this age and aren't settled they are often focused on self promotion, their career.

You either have to be ruthless i.e. 3 or 4 dates, or be prepared to let go of whether you have kids or not. Too many don't know what they want in their 30s.

Mumsnet, especially AIBU is not thw place to get support for this. Others have pointed some good resources. Good luck x

I have two friends who have done this. Both have happy, well rounded kids with a wide extended family. My son's father has abandoned him so he doesn't have a dad. It's no different is it? I would do it if that is what you want.

I'm sorry I haven't read the whole thread.

My sister had my nephew at 40, through IVF overseas. She didn't intend to be a single mother but my BIL died unexpectedly a few weeks into her pregnancy.

My lovely nephew is now preteen and my sister has an awesome new husband who treats him like his own. Having DN was honestly the best thing my sister ever did and their family (her husband has a teen too) are amazing.

I'm childfree by choice BTW but if you want a child then go for it! I don't categorise this the same as surrogacy.

Oh well that's alright then, add another one in to the mix

Come on, that's completely different

I would, personally. Plenty of women end up as single mums anyway and if you've got good family support, they can be incredible influences on baby's life :).

I do think there's plenty of time at 33 to still meet someone, but at the same time can understand you wanting to go ahead if you ultimately feel like you don't want to be in a relationship.

Why would you PURPOSELY start out as a single mum though?