Am I selfish to consider having a child alone?

[Mildredpettigrew]

I'm not good at getting men to want to date me/have a relationship with me unfortunately despite being considered attractive, nice and so on.
So I've accepted it may never happen.

It feels kinda hurtful to see all the married couples and children and consider that they may never happen, but that's how it is.

I've dated lots, they just don't feel the spark. I've tried my best, I'm very slim, attractive, have hobbies, financially independent, kind, told I'm funny, intelligent etc. They just don't feel a spark.

I know having a baby alone is controversial. I may have to look into other alternatives, because meeting someone may well never happen for me.

I feel like 2 would be better than 1.
Obviously it does happen and isn't always avoidable, but making the family just 1 other person seems a bit intense. There's no range of interactions or option to go to if not getting on etc.

Yes it is selfish.
Because you're not doing it for your child, but for you.

A pattern I've noticed on these threads is that whenever someone comes along with a personal experience of being or knowing a donor child and how it messed them up, their experience is dismissed. The responses are always 'but that's just your experience' and 'but you could've been born from a one night stand, it's no different'. I do wonder whether people who ask this question are genuinely seeking opinions or if they are just looking for people to tell them 'do it!'.

I mean, OP's question was literally 'is it selfish to consider having a child alone?'. Someone tells her it's selfish and this is her response:

Please stop with the patronising 'It's not about you.'

Does anybody have a child for purely selfless reasons?

If you write that again, I will just not reply to it.

I mean research is very clear on what the ideal set up is for a child.

Obv there's a hierarchy after that, but we shouldn't be too scared to call a spade a spade.
Ideally a child should have an involved father and mother.

Because they only think about it from the perspective of the woman who wants a baby, not the perspective of the child. It's telling that experiences from the other side are nearly all "I know a woman who did this and she is very happy" as it that's all that counts.

Not at all selfish, however realistically you'd need some help from your parents with raising the child.

Purposefully denying them their father.” Have you read the many many threads on here where women are carrying the load alone even when married? Men who have abandoned their families? If this woman can give a child a loving home, I’d have to disagree with you. There is no guarantee a man will be a father. There are lots of single mothers who do a fantastic job.

Children like to know where they're from on a very deep level. I'm not talking about who takes the bins out.

Identity crises, medical history, unknown siblings - all real issues.

Ignore the negative comments. Take 5 mins on MN and you realise how useless and awful a lot of dads are. At least you know you’re going in alone. I’d have some practical considerations though - can you afford fertility treatment? Can you afford maternity leave and childcare on one income? Do you have income protection in case you can’t work? Do you have family support nearby? It’s better to go alone than be with a partner just cos you want a child. But do consider how having a child will impact on your dating, if you would still want to try and meet someone.

I have done what OP is thinking about. I used a sperm bank in Denmark. You get full medical history of donor and grandparent and other info. In addition, you are provided with a childhood picture of the donor, a letter and a voice recording to share with the child. DD is quite excited to be half Danish and at 15 seems to be fine with the whole idea. At 18 she can find him if she wishes. I suppose a single parent family does not seem strange to me as my father died when I was one.

Is it still controversial? I know about 4 women who’ve had kids on their own, one ended up with fraternal twins as just happened to release 2 eggs that cycle. If you can afford it whyever not. Better than bring them into a dysfunctional relationship, which happens ALL the time and seems to not at all be controversial.

I would definitely do it if I had good family support reasonably near me.

Adoption is a completely different decision and definitely not something I would do without a partner, so I wouldn’t go for that suggestion.

A completely OP- centric post. You've not thought about the baby at all. Even going so far as wondering about how a baby could impact dating! Unreal

You’ve still got time but you can also start getting your ducks in a row.

Have you had your fertility tested, started saving up for the treatment and the cost of having a child? You can start doing all of that whilst still dating.

This is the most mind blowing thread.

If we are all really THIS worried about a child growing up without a father, as a society we would have put a LOT more effort into ensuring that men couldn't just walk away whenever they like. We'd also, as a society, have much more disdain for men who are absent or poor fathers.

But we don't. As a society, it is considered perfectly normal for the mother to be the primary parent and the dad, even in many long term relationships, to take a secondary role. Men who abandon their children routinely receive no more than possibly the odd rolled eye.

I can absolutely see this backfiring or the child struggling when older, sure. But that's true of about 10000 other scenarios that we aren't all up in arms about. Instead, we encourage people to do the best they can.

OP, if you have the resources (financially, practically etc) then go ahead.

You seem totally resigned to the idea that you'll never find a partner. You're still young. Perhaps you should go to therapy and think about why you struggle to have relationships, before you think about having a baby on your own.

FYI - I have zero judgement towards women who have kids alone, but it's more understandable in your late 30s. You still have time!

Well that is because you are prescribing to the belief that men can provide things for a child that two women can’t. I’m struggling to think of something a man could provide for my daughter that my wife and I could not. She also has lots of positive male role models in her life - uncles, cousins, grandads.

You are entitled to your opinion though.

I’m struggling to think of something a man could provide for my daughter that my wife and I could not.

Belonging.

I have two kids. Part of me really regrets bringing them into the world. There's no guarantees that they'll be happy or won't struggle with mental or physical health.

Reading what you've written, it seems you view having a child as a lifestyle aid - i.e. you think it will make you happy.

I think you should wait a few years.

She belongs to us. An insulting comment.

No, you are not being selfish, you are being very wise and you are looking out for your physical and mental wellbeing as well as that of your future child.
Go for it.

Not genetically

This might sound funny but do you actually like children? Have you ever spent time around them? Lots of it especially in the early days is exhausting and not much fun. Both my children were projectile vomiters as babies - I remember standing there covered head to toe in regurgitated baby milk and dripping over the carpet. The idea of going out spontaneously on your own is just over. You either have to take the baby or get a babysitter. Childcare is very expensive. Even if you have a nanny she will work set hours and is probably not the one getting up in the middle of the night to deal with a crying baby. Then there are the teen years to live through where your child thinks you know nothing about anything at all. You have to suffer through quite a lot for the moment when your child, hopefully gainfully employed, takes you out to lunch and behaves like a normal human being.

As long as you have the money and the time, I can't see anything too wrong with going ahead on your own. Get some top quality donor and go for it. Lots of relationships break up and /or fathers have nothing to do with their children.

By the way for the person suggesting you wait till you're 36 or 37, I wouldn't. I had a child at 34 and I had one at 37. I was a lot more tired and worn out with a newborn at 37 than I was at 34. It was also took longer to get pregnant at 37 than at 34 and I was running a higher risk of genetic disorders at 37 too.

Having a kid won't mean you're not alone - don't have one if you think otherwise.

I agree.

And just because mum and dad don't get on, it doesn't mean child and dad don't or won't. Just because a man is a lazy, selfish twat, it doesn't mean that his child doesn't value their relationship with him.

😂
I cannot see how is it selfish, to "cancel" yourself to bring up and nurture another human being.
Thanks goodness I'm facing the future blissfully alone.