Am I selfish to consider having a child alone?

[Mildredpettigrew]

I'm not good at getting men to want to date me/have a relationship with me unfortunately despite being considered attractive, nice and so on.
So I've accepted it may never happen.

It feels kinda hurtful to see all the married couples and children and consider that they may never happen, but that's how it is.

I've dated lots, they just don't feel the spark. I've tried my best, I'm very slim, attractive, have hobbies, financially independent, kind, told I'm funny, intelligent etc. They just don't feel a spark.

I know having a baby alone is controversial. I may have to look into other alternatives, because meeting someone may well never happen for me.

And not all sperm donors are generous heroes either. There are some prolific sperm donors out there who may have fathered tens of not hundreds of children. Don’t tell me that comes from altruistic desire to help people. It’s an ego trip..

I know someone who has 2 children alone through sperm donation, she got to late 30s and still had not met someone she wanted to have a family with so decided to go for it alone. She had a good job and her own home and supportive family. She's a great mum and has never regretted it although at times it has been incredibly hard, for example when kids are ill off nursery/school and she is the only one who can care for them. Also having a newborn and young child to juggle mostly alone.
I think there are lots of kids with 2 parents worse off than her 2 kids though, and lots of dads leave while the mum is pregnant or kids very young then don't really bother with the kids.
A loving stable home with one parent is better than what a lot of kids have.
If you really want this, can afford it and have plans for what will happen in scenarios like your child is sick then go for it.

Again, why is being a single parent so bad someone needs to give up having children? 🙄

There may be a lot more happier, well adjusted young adults if more single women had children with sperm donors… would stop all those horrendous, abusive couples that damage children and it’s written all over mumsnet

Single woman who uses a sperm donor would have happy and well adjusted young adults.

Couples are horrendous and abusive and damage children.

What?

is it the ideal?

Why would it not be? 🤔

I adopted and I was selected as the ideal match over several couples. So many people on here saying "it's all about the child" - well I can give you a real life example of how being in a couple doesn't trump being single. That was decided by a team of experts who would always put the needs of the child first.

Adoption and being an ideal match for said child is a completely different issue to the one we are talking about.

It may be a different "issue" but the qualities and skills needed (nurture, patience, understanding, financial security, strong support network etc) are those needed to raise any child well. Obviously there are particular factors which come into consideration to be an adoptive parent.
If plenty of single women are doing an amazing job raising adopted children then why would they be any less capable of raising their own biological child?

What are ideal circumstances anyway?

Your concept of ideal and your family dynamic might be seen by others as far from ideal depending on class, race, religion, location and many other factors. Who gets to say what's best?
A mother having a child that is wanted, loved and nurtured is the ideal scenario to me.

Yes, you shouldn't be having a child so that you aren't alone.
Children need 2 loving involved parents ( I talk as a single parent)

@UsernameAlreadyTaken101 the discussion originally was about OP having a child with donor sperm and thus the child having no knowledge of its father, in a deliberate move.

You will have been through lengthy assessments to prove your suitability as a parent to your child. The OP won't do any of that and will have little to no information about the father, especially if she goes elsewhere. Plus she obviously has unresolved issues that she feels a baby will improve.

I just think your and her situations are different. It's a shame that the discussion has veered to a rigid debate about single mothers because the original question was a bit more complicated.

This 100 percent.

I just looked back at all the OP's posts and she doesn't ever mention using a sperm donor. However, she does make it clear that she's intelligent, financially stable and has a strong support network. She also says that she ended a relationship because her partner did not want children so this is obviously something she's considered for a long time.

This is sad to read. I really hope you don't think you've failed your children because you are going it alone. I can assure you that children do not NEED two parents. I've taught hundreds of children from all different backgrounds over the years and this is most definitely not one of the criteria for a child being happy or successful.

It sounds like the child will be very much wanted and raised in a home where s/he is loved and cherished. That is so much more than many children have. I think you should go for it 😊

Totally baffled at the idea that having a child as a single parent is ‘selfish’ but not as a couple.

Fair enough but saying she may have to

look into other alternatives, because meeting someone may well never happen

slightly narrows the options.

Op look at the studies specifically done on Single Mothers By Choice, not single mums. Plenty suggesting kids thrive and have less conflict than families with both parents. It absolutely can be done and done well if not better than some couples. I know 5 women who had kids with complete idiots who either don't see their children, don't support their kids and certainly aren't good role models. I think not having them in their loves at all would have been a vastly superior choice than the children seeing what they put them and their families through. Go for it OP, just plan well.

Hi, I certainly don't think I've failed my child. I totally appreciate that families are very different and 2 parents doesn't guarantee happiness/success. I know alot of people who are affected by having 2 unhappy parents. I also know some happy and successful people from single parent families. I believe the best start is for a child to have 2 loving committed parents with all the advantages of extended families. To actively choose to become a single parent is selfish and irresponsible and reduces the role of the man to a sperm donor. Unfair on the man too, very deceitful behaviour.

I just wonder if people are so supportive of a man going it alone without a mother for their child, I'll bet that is seen as far more selfish...

I'm glad to hear that. It read a bit like you felt you had.
Respectfully I have to disagree on your other points.

Not remotely selfish.
Very sensible in my opinion.
Do it and if the right man comes along, great. But if not you have not lost out and have a child who you will cherish and look after. And you don't need a man in any case...friends and family will help to provide a loving community I'm sure.
So surprised so many are against this.
Think of how many relationships break down and how tricky it is to bring children up in broken homes / shared care. Your child will always be 100% yours and no one can take that away or ask to have them 50% of the time if things go wrong. Do it and don't look back. Good luck OP xx

Why do they chase men to pay for their kids if no one needs a dad and a mother can raise them just as well?

Because it's totally different if you went into it together and hadn't planned to go it alone. Not saying fathers aren't important at all, of course they are. But sometimes it's worth taking matters into your own hands and it's often far less complicated too.