To not know when to just go 'fuck it, sack off the holiday and go home'

[kaleidoscoperuby]

We're on a UK holiday and DS14 is just vile. He had no complaints about the planned holiday when it was booked 18 months ago but has been saying recently he didn't want to go. We offered for him to stay with GPs, he said no. He's angry, rude, uncommunicative, storming ahead, tutting, sighing - generally has a face like thunder.

He's autistic but well travelled and we're pretty good at dealing with his needs - was all factored in.

We're away for 10 days with a week to go. I'm just thinking we should go home and be done. But it seems like such a waste. We're many hours from home.

When do you give up and go home? Is that just teaching them that behaving badly = getting what they want?

When do you stop travelling as teens are so vile? We have quite a few abroad trips planned over the next few years but I'm considering cancelling them all but I really love travelling (and we won't be able to leave DS at home for many years due to his needs so no holidays for anyone).

take him to the grandparents then go back just yourselves.

So what if it is many hours from home, it will be worth it just to have a week of peace and quiet.

what would he be doing if he was at home?

As an autistic mum of autistic children I would absolutely be having a very robust conversation with him about this. I wouldn't shout but I wouldn't be tiptoeing around enabling this poor behaviour either.

With my (now 24yo) DS2 with ASD, holidays included taking his laptop, letting him use it pretty much all day. Telling him that he had to do one ‘touristy’ thing each day, for maybe an hour, two tops. He tolerated a walking tour or an aquarium or a stately home etc. Apart from that he had free rein to spend time doing what he enjoyed, which for him was being online. That was his downtime and how he enjoyed himself. I justified it to myself as it being his holiday too and that’s what he wanted to do. I was lucky that from 16/17 I could leave him for a few hours. At 24 I can leave him overnight, so long as he doesn’t have to cook!

City breaks worked better than hot, beach holidays. A canal trip was ideal. He barely had to leave the boat but my other DSes and I enjoyed the scenery, steering and locks. We’ve just done a trip in the UK, 4 nights with a hot tub and nearby city to visit, cathedral, nearby castle. Just one thing a day.

We went to Barcelona quite a few years ago. It was a bit hot and I tried to pack too much in. Sagrada Familia and aquarium on the same day! Hop on hop off bus and walking tour on another day. Picasso museum on a third. It was too much and I regretted it.

Can you leave him in the holiday accommodation for a few hours at a time?

He wants to be a dick - let him! But don't let it impact on you.

Perhaps all have a day at the accommodation. Watch a film, read a book - do whatever he calls downtime. Give him the day and give it your all. Have downtime in the same room as him. Next day try again.

Rtft

So sorry OP. I have a similar situation.
If you have supportive GPs (sounds like u may), could u book a holiday for u & your DH for a week abroad in the future, & leave your son at your house & GPs come & stay?

I’m not trying to tell you what you presumably already know OP but you are describing a child with really fairly significant ND difficulties include ARFID and yet seem surprised that he isn’t coping with a holiday - something which surely is a really well recognised trigger for many autistic people?

My autistic teen really struggles with change- place, routine, food, activities, even the weather. Gets overwhelmed massively on holiday and then moans and sulks or gets shouty. So we either reduce the stimulation as much as well can, keep the holiday as familiar as we can or give it time when we arrive with zero expectations, screen in room and easy food until he starts to emerge and we can slowly do a bit more.

Your son likely isn’t being rude or entitled he’s overwhelmed with all the change and lashing out. Either accept that and give him time or stop expecting him to love something that he clearly finds really hard and don’t go on holiday. Yes it’s hard but so is being an autistic teenager.

I wouldn't want to go out on my own. We have had to at times (some really struggling fc )and i really hated it. I never calmed, I was always concerned at the fact I'd left my dh to deal with it, and he would say the same. Several times I'd question why we bothered and we could have stayed at home!!

He's very controlling and rigid generally. Everything is treated with such a scathing look or voice, I'm scared to say anything or do anything incase I poke the beast again.

Just ignore him completely. I'd take turns to go out without him. There must be something you can do that you can't do at home.

In future I would just plan holidays without him and ask grandparents to have him. You and your DH deserve a break. In the meantime, could you take it in turns to go on trips this week? Nothing wrong with solitary trips and it means you can do each do some nice things

Ignore, ignore, ignore.

Hard though, it would really wind me up.

The other option is to take him to his grandparents.

Don't let him win or dominate the situation, otherwise this may be the start of him controlling situations with you.

What a nice, encouraging post @UrsulaBelle. Some hope for poor OP.

I’m so sorry OP. I’m the autistic person in this scenario. If he is like me then even in my teenage years my (very) bad behaviour wasn’t deliberate. I wanted to cope, but couldn’t. He does love you - he feels safe enough to do this with you.

I don’t know what is for the best so can’t offer advice as I haven’t been the parent.

can either you or DH go out separately for a walk or to a spa or event/sightsee on your own, taking turns? I know you’ll want each others company but to save DC thinking he’s got his own way by going home, could that work for this holiday? Then cancel the others and either have him at GP or respite care sometime so you and DH can have a bit of time together. Then keep taking alternate short breaks. It must be heartbreaking and so frustrating at the same time op

Good for you.
How about ‘do you still want to own a head?’ as an upgrade 🤣🤣🤣

joke obviously, death threats are bad.

Thank you everyone for your suggestions and thoughts. I am taking them all on board. We're not doing anything tonight and will just have a think tomorrow.

I'm not underestimating the severity of needs here, you just get used to your norm a bit I guess.

It's a tough situation. I really feel for you and your husband - we all look forward to holidays for so long.

I think taking him back to grandparents in this situation wouldn't be a good plan - you'd just be making life difficult for them for the next week because he's unlikely to perk up if being away from home is the issue.

I think I'd try to salvage what was left of the holiday, do the things I'd planned and try very, very hard to ignore the huffing and sulking. Tell him the holiday is very important to you and that you won't be going home so he'll have to just put up with it. Who knows - if he realises there's no chance of packing up and leaving he might stop angling for it.

Please excuse me if this isn't helpful in the circumstances, I've no experience of children with autism.

Taking him to the GPs isn't possible. It's way too far (we'd just go home if we were going to go that far) and they aren't just around to pick up the piece's. A planned trip maybe but not this.

I'd offer a family going home on the same flight some money to supervise him onto the flight.

What would they do on landing?...

They might be people smugglers!!

Lol - not -. some people on here just have NO life experience.

Would you accept money from a stranger at an airport checking in to take a bag for you?! Maybe carrying drugs?!

Mumsnet is full of idiots without life experience.

Can you not stick him on a train and get a grandparent to meet him the other end?

Typical teenage behaviour I’d say. Why can’t you leave him alone on the room for few hours? If you’re in a resort/ hotel do they have babysitting service (yes I know he’s too old for that but a) may make you more comfortable b) might click with him if he’s behaving like a toddler he’d be treated as one)?

This is the best advice given- please think about this op.

Thinking of you

Admittedly my ds is not autistic.
When he was around 14 he was an absolute arse. He too was well travelled and een to many places off the beaten track for UK tourists. On one trip he had a face on him, moaned and whined, this started to stress ds2 out in turn put dh in a bad mood. I tried to gentle parent. Nothing.
I blew and he was told very sharply to put his bloody face straight, stop acting like a selfish brat and get his arse into gear other wise I would make the rest of the trip hell for him. The final word were buck up and shut up!!!
It worked.
I admit, it's not going to work for everyone, especially if they have autism but he needed to know it's not all about him!
14 years later we still go on holiday with him but,of course, it's a different vibe, ( and him and his gf pay their own way)

If you can't change your DS' attitude, can you change your attitude OP? So what if he sulks, gets angry, is rude and vile? Rise above it so that you and your DH do the things you want to and enjoy yourselves.