To not know when to just go 'fuck it, sack off the holiday and go home'

[kaleidoscoperuby]

We're on a UK holiday and DS14 is just vile. He had no complaints about the planned holiday when it was booked 18 months ago but has been saying recently he didn't want to go. We offered for him to stay with GPs, he said no. He's angry, rude, uncommunicative, storming ahead, tutting, sighing - generally has a face like thunder.

He's autistic but well travelled and we're pretty good at dealing with his needs - was all factored in.

We're away for 10 days with a week to go. I'm just thinking we should go home and be done. But it seems like such a waste. We're many hours from home.

When do you give up and go home? Is that just teaching them that behaving badly = getting what they want?

When do you stop travelling as teens are so vile? We have quite a few abroad trips planned over the next few years but I'm considering cancelling them all but I really love travelling (and we won't be able to leave DS at home for many years due to his needs so no holidays for anyone).

Dont go home. Teens are vile, even the NT ones. Can you get out by yourself for a bit? A walk, a swim, a visit to an attraction on your own?

Just leave him at the accommodation and crack on? They're a flipping nightmare and I was too at that age. Leave him be and enjoy your time.

Are you alone? Or do you have a partner who you can go off for the day with.

So sorry OP. He is being a horrible little shit. I would make holiday sabotage a hanging offense (lighthearted but it’s not on)

Sounds tough, OP!

With regard to it feeling like a waste if you do go home, do you think there's any prospect of the holiday getting better?

If no, then look at it in the context of 'sunk cost'. You can either stay there and be miserable 'to get your money's worth' or abandon it and go home if that will be more pleasant.

The money is spent either way, so irrelevant really.

Our (now adult) autistic DC behaved like that when overwhelmed. Is there something missing that helps them regulate? They also were well travelled from a very young age, and we had some rocky trips till we worked out that they needed more downtime than we expected.

I would try not to go home yet. Apart from setting a precedent, I'd find it hard not to resent the DC.

Take a deep breath and just let it go over your head - like it’s that easy! 😄

As others have said, don’t give up yet, it’s early days and he might we’ll get into the swing of things himself. It’s such a difficult age, your post brought it all back, a particular holiday in Cornwall when one of mine was that age that almost drove me to jump off a cliff 😁

Can the GPs come and collect him from a middle ground area?

I agree. Don’t indulge him and leave him be. My DS is neurodiverse and could be a pain and moan about being bored so I’d leave him on his screens and when he missed out on an ice cream or whatever that was his choice! Don’t go home, enjoy your break ☀️

There's me and DH and DS. We can't leave him alone in the accommodation really, for an hour at most but no more than that.

He's just decided he didn't want to come and is making sure everyone knows it. He only wants to do things that he wants to do (which is nothing) and massively resents anyone else having a voice or an interest. He's very controlling and rigid generally. Everything is treated with such a scathing look or voice, I'm scared to say anything or do anything incase I poke the beast again.

I just feel really sad about it all. I can't believe I'm actually considering going home and would prefer to be at work ☹️

Is he ok being left in the accommodation or do you have to take him with you?
Sounds hard OP. We came home early from a holiday when ours were about that age, I had forgotten it until I read this. 14-16 is peak selfish arsehole age IME.

Leave him with DH and go out. Why do you need to all be together?

It would be a serious offence in my house! There would be a simple question: do you want to continue owning a phone?

If so, then be civil. I don’t require enthusiasm, but I require decent behaviour. I would have no problem in cancelling his phone contract and removing said phone.

Yes he has autism but you still need to parent him. He has a choice, participate or you'll call his grandparents to come and take him home. He's already ruined the holiday with his tantrums and sulking so what is a bit more going to do?

Obv makes it more difficult that you can't leave him.

I'm not sure if it will get better tbh. I can't tell. But you're right about the sunken cost element.

What would happen if you left him? Would he actually be unsafe, or worried/unsettled?

Why can't you leave him, will he kick off?

I think it's the downtime he needs. But he almost needs all day as downtime as avoidance for doing anything related to holiday which means we're all stuck in the accommodation and we may as well be at home?

Can you take it in turns to stay with him and just relax while the other one goes out?

I don’t have experience of SN but it would be a shame for you and DH to not get the chance to do any of the things that you’d hoped to.

And yes - I massively resent him for this. It's really hard not to resent him enough already as our live is completely dictated by his autism yet he just throws everything in our face that we're ruining his life 🤷‍♀️

Maybe the op wants to spend time with their partner. Do things together. Maybe they don't like their own company. Op needs advice on strategies to engage her son.

Is there anything locally that would get him interested. An activity or a place to visit.

I don’t understand why you can’t take it in turns to go out?

Not really. It's really quite far away!

We don't! Doesn't make his endless rudeness and hideous behaviour any easier to deal with just because I get to go for a walk on my own - I can do that at home too!

Why can’t one of you take him back to the Grandparents, since that was an option?