To not know when to just go 'fuck it, sack off the holiday and go home'

[kaleidoscoperuby]

We're on a UK holiday and DS14 is just vile. He had no complaints about the planned holiday when it was booked 18 months ago but has been saying recently he didn't want to go. We offered for him to stay with GPs, he said no. He's angry, rude, uncommunicative, storming ahead, tutting, sighing - generally has a face like thunder.

He's autistic but well travelled and we're pretty good at dealing with his needs - was all factored in.

We're away for 10 days with a week to go. I'm just thinking we should go home and be done. But it seems like such a waste. We're many hours from home.

When do you give up and go home? Is that just teaching them that behaving badly = getting what they want?

When do you stop travelling as teens are so vile? We have quite a few abroad trips planned over the next few years but I'm considering cancelling them all but I really love travelling (and we won't be able to leave DS at home for many years due to his needs so no holidays for anyone).

He's got grandparents who would take him.

Have the holidays.

Another thing regarding holidays that I know BIL and SIL are really looking into is a motorhome. They are faced with 4 ND DC who may live independently at some point but maybe not for many years. With the oldest, they are starting to leave him to pop to the corner shops in his own space gaming. They are hoping to build this up as he gets older over time and are thinking a motorhome might be a good half way house. It would park on their drive and they hope to get the DN it frequently and then when they go away use the motor home and as it's a familiar space they may be able to stay gaming in it for a few hours whilst others do other activities in a few years time.

Are you sure he's not actually enjoying it sometimes teenagers just have that face. Maybe threatening to go home if he doesn't pack it in might actually work

Threaten to book a babysitter?

It sounds like it's extra difficult as you should be enjoying your holiday but similar behaviours happen at home. So possibly it's the stress of wanting to have a break and better time than you are plus everyone in top of eachother. Is he quite demand avoidant? I'd make the most of what you can and reduce demand. So enjoy that hour out together, take some individual time too, do something you want to at the accommodation and invite him to join in but don't stress if he doesn't, enjoy the outside space.

Throw in the towel and go home.
You're on a hiding to nothing.
And don't book any more holidays except ones that you take on your own for a few day's respite.

Is there anything he's obsessional about locally that would help improve his mood?

Any kind of bargaining chip for anything at all?

Sounds really hard OP. I so hope it improves but if not, go home and at least there you have a bit more freedom?

Where abouts are you?
we took our SN very hard to please DD to the local tourist information centre and picked up leaflets on places to visit, out of hundreds of places we managed to find one that she had a slight interest in 🤣

I am with @waterrat , I would be inclined to assume discipline, taking tech away etc is not only ineffective but actively unhelpful.

We have just had a tricky holiday with our ASD teens. A villa with its own pool worked well - prob not much help for you now. With a lot of antisocial time in their rooms we managed some nice evenings in with wine and games - mostly with them, sometimes without - and a few meals out. One or two big trips out which he was fine with after a couple of days of adjustments with no demands.

We major on holiday routine - we have a routine which is accepted as "normal for holiday" even though it's different to normal at home

However I also wanted to say that going home early has been a very positive thing for us I the past too. It felt like we were reclaiming our time. Personally I would give him a couple of days of no demands and see how things are first.

Apologies if this doesn’t apply in your situation but my friend has a son with complex SEND and physical needs as well. As she gets money towards a carer that helps daily, this person is very familiar with him. For the first time this year the carer is going away with them for a weekend so she can stay with the one son whilst the rest of the family has the chance to enjoy activities they normally don’t do together.

they have used respite care for a weekend in the past but this is the first time paying a carer themselves to go away with them. Obviously this makes a getaway more expensive but works in their situation.

Great idea. YouTube can also help with this.

Drown him.

Teenagers are absolute shit bags.

Do not show your fear. They can smell it. Face him out and get DH to do the same. If the aggression doesn't improve ask for help, otherwise he'll turn into a monster. Swallow your pride and speak to SS. They need you to tell them about this as if not checked it will get worse and needs specialist training to sort out.

Sometimes, love just isn't enough.

Sending you hugs.

Afraid I’ve gone home before now (when in the UK). If everyone is miserable, there is no point wasting money on meals out and day trips, even if you have to write of the costs of accommodation. If you go home you can at least go off for the day and leave him at home, get some last minute tickets to a show etc.

I find that the longer you ‘stick it out’ the more you resent them, the more power you’ve given them. When it happened last year, we just put the kids in the car and drove home no fuss. No conversation. But mentioned that it was the last holiday said child would be taken on.

They were very quiet and on the drive home (5hrs) and eventually apologised. They didn’t do it again this year (overseas holiday) as we made it clear we would put them on a flight home and they’d be picked up by their 82yo grandparents and stay there until we could be bothered to pick them up. Probably in September.

PS both DS and DD have ASD and ADHD (as to I, and it’s only ever older DD that is the issued).

No advice really OP but I have a 6 year old autistic DD & I can see this being our future! Just today for example we went in to our local town & I suggested we get a drink somewhere. DD couldn’t sit inside because she found it too busy but she didn’t want to sit outside in the very peaceful courtyard because she is currently terrified of flying insects. It’s so hard not to feel frustrated as it limits your life in many ways & you can’t ever do anything spontaneous. But I have to remember that the environment so often isn’t very ND friendly so our kids get overwhelmed & can’t cope. They don’t want to feel or act the way they do. It’s very hard though. Good luck with whatever you decide to do!

I didn't spot that part - maybe he could earn phone/gaming back for short pleasant outings.
We frame it as rewards for jobs not consequences for bad behaviour (son has ADHD and he's currently trying on the contents of his wardrobe, often a flash point, in small increments to get screen time).

I have a child with autism and a child with autism and adhd.

At one point my child with autism and adhd was on holiday with her father and not coping. He shouted at her that she was ruining the holiday and she ran out into Berlin with no money. She was gone for several hours.

He rang me at 2am when she'd been missing for a while and opened with "I may have lost our daughter..."

I rang her (she was scared to answer her phone to him) and got her to a hotel and paid for a room overnight so she was safe.

Shouting at someone with autism can have big consequences. I was not impressed with his parenting.

Things that have worked for us:

Booking a hotel literally in the middle of what we want to see. So if in Barcelona, on las ramblas. If in Marrakech, just off the main square.

This means that you can have short trips out as a family (see the cats/eat dinner/walk down the street) but the hotel is always close to retreat back to.

We also had success with AI as lying around on a beach was popular and people could go on excursions in combinations.

You realise he is autistic and not deliberately behaving like a toddler 🙄
OP has said why he can’t be left alone … perhaps read all OP’s posts before jumping in with stupid comments.

Ds is autistic and he hates going away. He hates going anywhere away from home even if he loves what he's doing.

So we have compromised.
He comes.
We don't nag him about bedtime/screen time etc.
We let him have some choice in what we do.
We make sure if we go to the beach (he has major sensory issues with sand) that firstly he has somewhere he can sit where he can see us but not be on the sand and secondly his shoes will be an old/very cheap pair that are thrown away after the holidays.
We try and find somewhere he really likes to eat out at least one evening.
He takes his weighted blanket.
Now he's older he can stay behind if he doesn't want to come on a day.

I think part of teens being such shits is their programming to push people away and become independent, which is doubly hard when they're an autistic kid underneath who needs their important people to be consistent and present. It must be harder for him having all the weird teen hormones jumping around when he probably likes things to be predictable.

If talking to him is bad would writing him a note help?

I know you don't want to be here but we are.
I've made a list of things I think might be fun and left spaces at the bottom for you to add some.

There is also a second list of rewards, you can choose one thing on that list for every one of the activities you do with us without looking like I pissed in your applejuice
love from mum xxx

it’s moments like this that my DH comes into his own with DC1 (ASD). He just calmly ignores all the deregulation and gets on with it, he chatters away about the weather imparts interesting facts and rises to precisely nothing. This often gives DS1 enough time to get a grip and start enjoying it.

are you able to just crack on and ignore?

Eldest DS was like this and it honestly ruined every holiday we took them on as kids. To be fair to him though he hadn't been diagnosed at that stage and found it very hard to put into words exactly WHY he hates holidays. It came to a head when he was 15 (shortly before diagnosis) and we had the absolute worst holiday with both him and us in tears a few days in. He asked us to promise never to take him on holiday again as he hated it. After his diagnosis came through and he got some counselling and was able to express his feelings some more he told us the problem with holidays, for him, was being out of his normal environment, with people he didn't know, at places he had no interest in and then returning to a hotel where he had none of his home comforts and nothing felt the same. It was enough to cause him to have meltdowns and since then he's never went on another holiday.

I know it doesn't help now but maybe your DS is just lashing out as he's missing his own home comforts? DS had said he'd probably have coped better if we'd taken his XBOX and let him stay gaming all day while we entertained the younger kids.

Would they want to do that though? Sounds like hard work to me that!

I mean this kindly, but I'd be considering residential care options.

I would suggest come up with a timetable ( almost) and share care with partner. Enjoy the one hour he can be left alone.

I don't have experience of autistic young people on holiday but memories of how much hope we had, only to have it dashed. Maybe this is the key, realistic expectations.

I wouldn't go home but I would be thinking g that other arrangements will need to be made for any future holidays.