Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not know when to just go 'fuck it, sack off the holiday and go home'

407 replies

kaleidoscoperuby · 31/07/2024 16:44

We're on a UK holiday and DS14 is just vile. He had no complaints about the planned holiday when it was booked 18 months ago but has been saying recently he didn't want to go. We offered for him to stay with GPs, he said no. He's angry, rude, uncommunicative, storming ahead, tutting, sighing - generally has a face like thunder.

He's autistic but well travelled and we're pretty good at dealing with his needs - was all factored in.

We're away for 10 days with a week to go. I'm just thinking we should go home and be done. But it seems like such a waste. We're many hours from home.

When do you give up and go home? Is that just teaching them that behaving badly = getting what they want?

When do you stop travelling as teens are so vile? We have quite a few abroad trips planned over the next few years but I'm considering cancelling them all but I really love travelling (and we won't be able to leave DS at home for many years due to his needs so no holidays for anyone).

OP posts:
babycalf · 31/07/2024 17:03

I'd probably pay the GP to move into my home, and go without him in future.

Bear in mind though OP, many teenagers are like this, not just teenagers with autism. This isn't unheard of or unusual behaviour for a 14yo.

Namenamchange · 31/07/2024 17:03

Teens can be arseholes.. ignore his behaviour as as much as you can. Grit your teeth and stay for the 10 days

Original poster
kaleidoscoperuby · 31/07/2024 17:04

FrenchandSaunders · 31/07/2024 16:57

Is he ok being left in the accommodation or do you have to take him with you?
Sounds hard OP. We came home early from a holiday when ours were about that age, I had forgotten it until I read this. 14-16 is peak selfish arsehole age IME.

He's ok to be left but only for a short period. He goes to a specialist school and his needs can be quite complex especially if he's been dysregulated so I'm wary of leaving him in not our own home.

To look at him though he's a typical teenage arsehole. But there's more to it which makes it harder to deal with.

OP posts:
saltinesandcoffeecups · 31/07/2024 17:04

Well at least you have the answer for next year’s vacation… leave him with the GPs no matter what he wants. I honestly wouldn’t go home or change your daily plans (but would build in a little extra downtime).

If you were planning a beach day he can sit by himself on the beach… museum great wait in the car…etc.

ETA;
the post above mine (cross posted) changes my answer a bit. Keep bringing him but don’t leave him alone.

Onelifeonly · 31/07/2024 17:04

No stay and make the best of it. Otherwise you are showing him you will give in if he plays up and he'll only get worse. Also you deserve your holiday, impaired though it might be.

Unless he's unsafe, you surely can leave him for more than an hour? (If he is unsafe, then an hour would be too much.)

Call his bluff. Leave him and go somewhere nice for 2 to 3 hours. Leave food and access to tv, laptop or whatever, and let him see how he feels being alone. If he likes it, you can repeat, if not maybe he can be a bit more willing to make an effort.

What does he do at home - game?

5128gap · 31/07/2024 17:04

You can't let him do something that will hurt others to get his own way. Not only is that unfair on your and DH, it's unfair on him, as its way too much power and responsibility to land on a 14 year old that he gets to ruin the hard earned family holiday. Establish some minimum behaviour requirements that you know are within his capabilities and apply sanctions that matter to him if he doesn't meet them. Otherwise, keep going as you are.

Lentilweaver · 31/07/2024 17:05

kaleidoscoperuby · 31/07/2024 17:02

We don't! Doesn't make his endless rudeness and hideous behaviour any easier to deal with just because I get to go for a walk on my own - I can do that at home too!

Show quote history

I hear you. But at least a different walk to one you may do at home. Or take it in turns to go to an attraction? Or go to a cafe?

Believe me, even NT teens are like this. Not that I am excusing his behaviour. Just that it is pretty common.

handmademitlove · 31/07/2024 17:06

My DD was like this at that age. She really wanted to do stuff but would then be overwhelmed and her fight or flight response was definitely more fight than flight! What helped for us was really thinking about activities and space. Don't plan lots of days out. Keep the food the same, don't eat out. We used to take pillow and duvet from home as it smelled right. Lots of downtime. We would also divide and conquer - one of us go out and the other stay home. Read a book or watch a film. Low demand, low sensory activities.

We did learn that giving up didn't actually help - as then she would be so guilty about ruining it for the rest of us that she would still spiral out of control!

Invisimamma · 31/07/2024 17:06

I'm finding UK holidays hard going now with my NT 13yr old. It's just boring for him doing thing with his parents and young sibling, away from his gaming and friends.

We try to do things that he enjoys - eating out and shopping. Mixed in with what we want to do. We also got a hot tub which he was quite happy with. But I can tell he's outgrowing UK breaks with us.

Is there anything he might enjoy doing? A nice meal or ice cream? Cinema? Ordering pizza? Could you plan the next couple of days together? Maybe an attraction that would spark his interest. We ended up visiting various football stadiums to keep him happy, in between activities for the rest of us.

Lentilweaver · 31/07/2024 17:07

can't he be bribed with nice food?

threonate · 31/07/2024 17:07

Is there anything he actually wants to do? Or he just wants to stay in and game or whatever else?

Theordinary · 31/07/2024 17:09

I'm having exactly this same problem at the moment. What we did yesterday was leave the two of them at the holiday house. One still in bed, the other on the Xbox. DH and I had a fab day out by ourselves. When we got home the eldest wanted a take away and we said no sorry we've already eaten out. We made them a boring pasta for dinner. I told them all about the wonderful day we'd had. This morning we had two willing participants for a beach trip. Still fighting and moaning a lot of the time but we've had a pleasant day all the same. Give it a try. At the very least you can have a nice day yourselves and leave the moaning teens to their own devices. They'll soon feel like they're missing out.

Boomer55 · 31/07/2024 17:10

All teenagers can be awful on family events, such as holidays. Let him flounce around and get on with enjoying the holiday.

threonate · 31/07/2024 17:10

Theordinary · 31/07/2024 17:09

I'm having exactly this same problem at the moment. What we did yesterday was leave the two of them at the holiday house. One still in bed, the other on the Xbox. DH and I had a fab day out by ourselves. When we got home the eldest wanted a take away and we said no sorry we've already eaten out. We made them a boring pasta for dinner. I told them all about the wonderful day we'd had. This morning we had two willing participants for a beach trip. Still fighting and moaning a lot of the time but we've had a pleasant day all the same. Give it a try. At the very least you can have a nice day yourselves and leave the moaning teens to their own devices. They'll soon feel like they're missing out.

Op can't leave him on his own though

JetLagHell · 31/07/2024 17:10

He’s 14. Will he at some point be able to manage uni, or independent living.

I don’t have experience of this, so forgive me if my post is insensitive. It’s just that you sound tired and upset. It sounds like his needs trump everything.

I’m just wondering if there’s some point you get a break, with which I’d say save your dosh to splurge on relaxing holidays in a few years, just you and your DH.

Octavia64 · 31/07/2024 17:11

Mine were both like this at this age.

We solved it by going to all inclusives abroad and then they could have a bit more freedom and choose own meals/go to a different pool etc.

If he can't be left for more than an hour or so then you may have bigger issues.

Theordinary · 31/07/2024 17:11

Forgot to mention both of mine are ND too. It's bloody hard work.

Original poster
kaleidoscoperuby · 31/07/2024 17:12

It's so hard dealing with difficult communication when he has a communication disorder. Everything we are trying to say isn't appropriate - to him, it is, because it's the truth.

When he's rude, taking something away from him doesn't work as he doesn't believe he's done anything wrong as he was being honest. He doesn't really understand there are ways of saying things. It's too nuanced I guess. Heightened anxiety won't be helping.

We do all of the standard parenting. He's lost his phone / gaming stuff. Doesn't make any difference though, he can't really connect the dots.

OP posts:
Redburnett · 31/07/2024 17:13

I realise it isn't helpful but planning a holiday 18 months in advance with a teen is not particularly sensible, they change so much as they grow up. In your position I would probably write this holiday off, go home and if your employer will accept it go back to work and reclaim the relevant leave. It's better to be led by what the teen wants to do at the time as far as holidays go if you want to avoid aggro with teens. We once decided to take our teens to Oz for the six week summer holiday. They were absolutely incensed, how dare we plan something for the whole summer holiday.............

Original poster
kaleidoscoperuby · 31/07/2024 17:13

threonate · 31/07/2024 17:07

Is there anything he actually wants to do? Or he just wants to stay in and game or whatever else?

There's nothing he wants to do really (except go home!)

OP posts:
Original poster
kaleidoscoperuby · 31/07/2024 17:14

Lentilweaver · 31/07/2024 17:07

can't he be bribed with nice food?

Not really. He's borderline ARFID and largely doesn't eat!

OP posts:
threonate · 31/07/2024 17:14

@kaleidoscoperuby that's really hard. Sanctions won't work if he doesn't understand etc.

What does your husband say?

If you go home, is there anything you can do to make your son realise how awful his behaviour was, or nothing will sink in?

LightFull · 31/07/2024 17:16

Why can't you leave him in his room

Original poster
kaleidoscoperuby · 31/07/2024 17:16

JetLagHell · 31/07/2024 17:10

He’s 14. Will he at some point be able to manage uni, or independent living.

I don’t have experience of this, so forgive me if my post is insensitive. It’s just that you sound tired and upset. It sounds like his needs trump everything.

I’m just wondering if there’s some point you get a break, with which I’d say save your dosh to splurge on relaxing holidays in a few years, just you and your DH.

Edited

His needs have trumped everything his entire life. It's exhausting and upsetting but it's the hand you're dealt when you have a child with SEN.

I highly doubt he will go to uni. I'd hope he'd live independently at some point but it won't be when he's 18. More like mid 20s or after as he's years behind in terms of emotional / social / life skills etc.

OP posts:
stayathomer · 31/07/2024 17:18

We had the holiday from hell this year but with some moments that saved it. To be honest I think we expected too much of the kids- it was ‘right we’re doing x y and z and because we’d paid for it we were all guns blazing to get everyone out but they needed days where they chose what to do or did nothing.

Talk to him. Ask him what would make it a holiday for him (one of my dses was easily bribed with a takeaway and game of cards night!)