To not know when to just go 'fuck it, sack off the holiday and go home'

[kaleidoscoperuby]

We're on a UK holiday and DS14 is just vile. He had no complaints about the planned holiday when it was booked 18 months ago but has been saying recently he didn't want to go. We offered for him to stay with GPs, he said no. He's angry, rude, uncommunicative, storming ahead, tutting, sighing - generally has a face like thunder.

He's autistic but well travelled and we're pretty good at dealing with his needs - was all factored in.

We're away for 10 days with a week to go. I'm just thinking we should go home and be done. But it seems like such a waste. We're many hours from home.

When do you give up and go home? Is that just teaching them that behaving badly = getting what they want?

When do you stop travelling as teens are so vile? We have quite a few abroad trips planned over the next few years but I'm considering cancelling them all but I really love travelling (and we won't be able to leave DS at home for many years due to his needs so no holidays for anyone).

I realise that now!

He was a fairly enthusiastic pre teen at the time and I've never had a teenager so I didn't really think about it.

But I am thinking about cancelling all of our holidays booked over the next 2 years. Because I don't think he'll want them when the time comes and what's the point. It's just wasting time and money.

I really feel for you. I wonder if a post in the SN forum might be useful. I realise that advice from parents of NT children isn't really helping. I hope you catch a break.

Oh, I know this feeling.

Going home isn't the answer but reclaiming your own holiday is.

Figure out what you WANT to do (just you) while you're there and go and do it. Let the others follow suit.

A wifi outage may help things...worth a try. Lie with impunity.

I think I'd probably curtail the holiday by a few days tbh. So maybe stay 7 days as opposed to 10

It's all very well posters saying they'd go mad / take his phone / punish etc but what good will that do? He's a teenager with the added complication of autism - you're better off trying to work with him

Everyone is miserable right now so something needs to happen! Can you sit down with him and talk to him about what he would like to do? Is it gaming? Reading? Swimming? Visiting somewhere? Cinema? Or does he just really want the comfort of home and his bedroom and familiarity?

I'd use the above as a starting point to getting to the bottom of what's bothering him - although I suspect it's mainly being a teenager! And it's the reason why I've not brought my youngest (now aged 17) away since he was 13. We do short weekend breaks whilst he stays with family and plenty of day trips as and when during the summer holidays etc as that's what he's happy doing - and I refuse to punish myself with a fortnight abroad with him!!

Thank you. There's never much traffic on the Sen boards so I tend not to bother.

I think I thought this was usual teen stuff but the more it's unpicked I realise it's probably not! It would never cross my mind that we could just go out and leave him with his needs - that shows how far away from a usual teen experience we're having.

It sounds like miserable teenager (normal) mixed with SEN (also normal) mixed with being allowed to have his own way and to some degree spoiled (not prepared for the real world). You and your husband are the adults here and your (expensive?!) holiday is being ruined by a sullen sulky 14 year old and you're happily on here making excuses for him rather than making a plan with your husband for how to a) tackle this behaviour within the limits of your DS' sen and b) how you move forward and start preparing him for the real world and adulthood where he can't avoid things he doesn't want to do by sulking.

This sounds tough but holidays are often very difficult for autistic young people. My DS is autistic but in mainstream school. Our holidays are massively constrained by his needs.

Dont treat this as bad behaviour , treat it as him struggling to cope.

I would consider leaving him with GPs in future and taking him on day trips instead.

Will he do logical negotiation. Like I know you want down time , we want to go out, you can't stay here so
Do you want to go out in the morning, or afternoon, you have to choose one?

I admit by that age i would just leave my autistic dd in the holiday accommodation gaming, i admit this isn't an option for all but worked for us. Sometimes her dsis stayed with her, sometimes she came with us.

I would also suggest that agreeing to a holiday 18 months ahead is probably far too far ahead, 12 & 14 is pretty different in temperament

What would motivate him? Gaming or phone time? Playing a game with one of you? Visit to a specific shop? Any sports or outdoor activities?
Then you can trade X outing today (with no moaning or eye rolling - or just ignore that) for phone/X box/mountain biking/electronics shop tomorrow.

I really feel for you. Give it a few more days, maybe?

This might be farfetched but is there any way of sourcing a caregiver there, where you are? Are there agencies that might specialize in SEN caregivers? Or any sort of activity he can be booked into without you? Or does one of you have to be with him at all times?

My friend’s nd child hates holidays because he says other places don’t smell right!

Are you able to go home, leave him with gps and go away again for a city break with your husband?

It sounds like you’d benefit from planning respite regularly. You sound exhausted xx

This sounds good. 🤞🏻

I’m sorry you’re having a difficult holiday. I have two SEN teens. We haven’t done a holiday for a couple of years. It feels wasteful to be mainly in the accommodation, especially when holidays are so expensive. Would he be open to discussing everyone’s feelings and reaching a compromise on what you do and when you go home?

I would go home and cancel all future holidays. My DS had a 14 day autistic strop one holiday and looking back I can’t understand why we didn’t just come home. I cancelled all our future holidays though. The way we holiday is v different now: short short breaks that DC wants to do and 1:1. Also low stakes if we need to back out. I really feel for you. Hand hold.

I'm so sorry you are going through this. My DS with ASD was similar sometimes on holiday, but lower needs so we could just leave him on his own sometimes.

My only suggestion is that you tag-team it with your DH and take it in turns to go out / stay with DS. You could stop even asking him whether he wants to do things; let him stay in his room all day on his screens with the curtains drawn if necessary (if that's what he does). Maybe after a few days of that then he might be more amenable. Or maybe not. But at least you and DH get some days out, albeit alone and only half the time - it's very far from ideal, but it may be better than nothing.

oh Op my heart goes out to you - my daughter is autistic and I can totally imagine this scenario.

I'm sure it's a case of 'can't' not 'won't' in terms of his inability to engage and enjoy the holiday and he probably feels shame about it as well knowing its spoiling your time.

I don't know the answer but I just wanted to say this is really not an ordinary 'discipline' issue as some people are suggesting and Im sorry for you dealing with it.

I think I'd go home OP.

My then 15year old daughter walked out and i knew at the time she'd gone to a mates house a few doors down. I didn't go looking for her, went to bed and next day took my baby daughter to a nearby town shopping with a friend. The. friends mum kept me informed of my daughters status. When I got home and went into my house laughing with my friend my daughter was home and absolutely furious that id not gone looked for her. She improved her behaviour after that.

I sympathise. Our ND DS was quite difficult on our recent family holiday - not liking the heat, suncream, seawater, fish in the sea etc etc etc - threatening to ruin it for others.

We could leave him for a bit, so did (though I felt sad about this), and I also promised that in future, I would offer him the choice of going to GPs. We also did a little bit of 'dragging him out' with me babysitting him - finding shady spots, waiting with him when necessary - and DH doing the more 'normal' stuff with the other kids. He did occasionally perk up at things he decided he liked. Mostly I think he understood that he wasn't going to be made to go through the experience again. Would grandparents be an option for future holidays - so you could go alone with DH for a break?

It sounds like miserable teenager (normal) mixed with SEN (also normal) mixed with being allowed to have his own way and to some degree spoiled (not prepared for the real world). You and your husband are the adults here and your (expensive?!) holiday is being ruined by a sullen sulky 14 year old and you're happily on here making excuses for him rather than making a plan with your husband for how to a) tackle this behaviour within the limits of your DS' sen and b) how you move forward and start preparing him for the real world and adulthood where he can't avoid things he doesn't want to do by sulking.
@Eversonotwell there's quite a lot of reaching here. Where's the evidence we're not preparing him for the real world and spoiling him? But thanks for the kicks.

@eversonotwell that is a really horrible comment - when a SEN chlid is in overwhelm particularly in a difficult situation there sometimes is no way to 'fix' it through parenting other than removing them/ leaving

I haven't read all the responses but in case it helps, our much smaller child finds choice and timetables really help, and I assume they will continue to help when he's eyerolly and stinky, even if he won't admit it helps?

Could you get him to help plan the next 3 weeks or something? might planning for after the (awful, painful, terrible, unfairly INFLICTED) holiday as well help him regulate?

Then that's the answer. Either way the child needs to know which way is up and it doesn't sound like they do.

With teens the best thing, I find, is to go absolutely fucking mental. Really bloody shout and give then some harsh home truths. Sometimes the shock of being shouted at plus told how selfish and unpleasant it is to be around them makes them realise they are being a complete dick.

He chose to be there. He could have stayed with his grandparents, he could have said no when you booked it. He chose to come, now he needs to suck it the fuck up.

There's going to be things in life that overwhelm him. He can't avoid them all and sulking doesn't make them go away. Some things you can adjust in consideration for his needs. Other things he is going to have to learn some coping strategies for. It does autistic children no favours to think the world must revolve around them because one day it won't. One day we won't be here to shelter them and they will need as many life skills and experiences as we can equip them with. Learning to cope being away from home is one of them.