To not know when to just go 'fuck it, sack off the holiday and go home'

[kaleidoscoperuby]

We're on a UK holiday and DS14 is just vile. He had no complaints about the planned holiday when it was booked 18 months ago but has been saying recently he didn't want to go. We offered for him to stay with GPs, he said no. He's angry, rude, uncommunicative, storming ahead, tutting, sighing - generally has a face like thunder.

He's autistic but well travelled and we're pretty good at dealing with his needs - was all factored in.

We're away for 10 days with a week to go. I'm just thinking we should go home and be done. But it seems like such a waste. We're many hours from home.

When do you give up and go home? Is that just teaching them that behaving badly = getting what they want?

When do you stop travelling as teens are so vile? We have quite a few abroad trips planned over the next few years but I'm considering cancelling them all but I really love travelling (and we won't be able to leave DS at home for many years due to his needs so no holidays for anyone).

Shout at an autistic kid for being autistic? Seems perfect op, definitely do this 👍🏻

I’d just go home OP, I totally get wanting to stay in the hope it might get a bit better or to not want to see it as a total waste but the money is spent either way. If you stay you’re going to end up more and more upset and angry, yes you’ll be annoyed at the waste but I suspect you’ll be over that a lot quicker than seeing out another week and dealing with his anger and vitriol.

Perhaps explain to him tonight you’ll be heading back in the morning. It gives him an evening to reflect if he wants to make an effort to stay

I would put him on a plane home to the grandparents by himself.

If you can't trust him to actually make the plane, I'd offer a family going home on the same flight some money to supervise him onto the flight.

Bloody hell. You don’t have a child with special needs, do you (I hope!)

I'd offer a family going home on the same flight some money to supervise him onto the flight.

This is just stupid! And no you wouldn't! Don't talk such shite.

Oh OP, we’ve been through this so many times! It’s awful and honestly only parents of very similar ND children will fully understand. We couldn’t leave our dd alone either, and with siblings in tow who wanted to do things, it was always very very difficult. I don’t really have any other useful advice, other than it does get better as they get older. We just did things any way and just muddled through. Sometimes ignoring dd, sometimes trying to reason, always exasperated and always wondering what to do for the best and if I’m doing the right thing 😂😂

Argh, this is so tough. My autistic DC1 was also pretty good traveller and was kind of OK on trips when younger, when we could cajole and insist more. As they've reached early teens we've realised that this intense reluctance to travel on vacation (only UK) is part of a new stage of asserting autonomy. It feels like a developmental phase. DP is freaking out about it, fearing we'll never go anywhere again, and dips in and out of wanting to 'insist' that we carry on as previously ("...for DC1's own good!!, he believes), but I think that, for whatever reason, at this point in DC's life, they crave stability, consistency and to be able to say "No thank you, that's too much" and for this to be respected. Were we to insist, the resulting meltdown / shutdown would be really awful for everyone and go on for way longer than any holiday 😔

So for now, as DC1 still wants to be able to do some things if they can manage, we have a go at day trips which we can easily decide to leave early, we tag-team to destinations not too far away and make sure we each get some time away with DC2. This has been revelatory, realising that we don't have to holiday as a family anymore but can split off and make sure everyone's needs are met, just not in the same place at the same time.

On a serious note, if you think your DS really can't cope with the transition and upheaval of family holidays, think seriously about whether it's fair to brass on through and expect him to just suck it up as seems to be suggested by some PPs. It's really rubbish for ND kids to feel like the 'weakest link' and come experience themselves as the person who always spoils the thing that everyone wants to do by being too sensitive. It's been really liberating to remove this expectation around the 'family vacation', seeing DC1 be able to relax during the summer holidays instead of becoming increasingly more anxious in the months running up to any planned trip away.

Best of luck, OP.

Don't as such have SEN children but have had some very difficult holidays with them and poor behaviour. At times have wanted to go home but really reluctant to let them have that 'power'.
As you are already away, if son won't go out, and can't be left alone, you and DH could take it in turns to head out and do something you would like to do.
Maybe reconsider family holidays for the next few years.....

what?

We do all of the standard parenting. He's lost his phone / gaming stuff. Doesn't make any difference though, he can't really connect the dots

To this day my now 33 year old ND son who’s severely autistic plus other things cannot understand consequences. He can’t join the dots and if a word like punishment was used he’d be very distressed. Frankly I think consequences/punishment and whatever else people want to call it is non starter with some of our ND children. Not that it’s made one of those ‘spoilt brats’ out of my son that people like to think is the result of no consequences being given. I’d much rather concentrate on what has caused the upset in the first place and put that right rather than punish one of our loved ones for so called bad behaviour.

OP,

Do you have a support network? Can one or both sets of GP have him over a long weekend.

That way, as a PP says, you can get a short UK break or European city break for you and DH.

Your needs need to be met too.

I think people of non-ND kids should stop giving advice. I include myself in that. We don't get it.

Can you just try another day?
Plan a couple of easy trips out then back to the house to rest? Or whatever you think your son would need.
Can you go right back to basics and explain to him what you expect tomorrow?
Eg, breakfast them walk along (where ever) then back to the house to rest before doing something g else small in the afternoon.
I know it's a pain when this happens but can you rest tonight, have a think and then try tomorrow.

If you have the option of him staying with grandparents then I would do that for future holidays rather than cancel them outright.

OP I really feel for you. It must be incredibly hard. I think to cancel future plans would be a good idea. Then your DH and you sit down and work out using that saved money to give yourselves time out. Either separately or somehow getting respite care for your DS so you and DH can have a break together. Maybe these could be short, ie weekends, but frequent so you have some restorative time for yourselves. You sound as if you greatly need it 💐

Sorry - just to add that my son is well travelled but by the time he was 26 his travelling days were over due to a decline in his well being. It’s very sad.

Any chance one of you could drive him to GP’s and then return for the holiday

Where abouts are you, OP? Can we suggest any activities that you might all enjoy to change the mood?

shout at an autistic kid for being rude and disrespectful

There. Fixed that for you.

The poor boy can’t be left alone for more than an hour, so yeh, let’s get him on a plane, alone, for more than an hour, navigating airport alone, and send to grandparents … yeh ok 🤦🏻‍♀️🙄

How far are the GPs? I know you said they're really far away, but are we talking, Cornwall to Inverness far away, or something more within your grasp?

It sounds like the best thing for your son is to go home - the top emotion coming out is anger/stropping I'm guessing because of everything going on under the surface.

What is the best thing for you? Is there a way you can bend on taking him to his GPs so that you could have a break, kid-free? That could potentially be rather restorative and give you a boost for the coming school year. Your own oxygen mask first and all that.

This is so tough for you
Can he understand that their are 3 of you, & its not only his "wants" that count.
Or that you work all year & you want a break & a change.
Next time you will try & find some structure where he can be looked after & go on holiday without him
But, for now he is not old enough to be left alone in a strange house, so he will have to accept this will make You & H happy, & that is something you should be able to be.

Sorry probably teaching you to suck eggs. 😢

I know nothing about SEN children so am not going to offer advice just send you all big hugs

It sounds tough. I don't know about where you are but this hot, sticky weather may not also be helping. Is there something that helps regulate that you have missed? I know SIL takes the game consoles everywhere with her 4 ND DC. When they were younger she took a paddling pool everywhere as water play was a huge help to one of her DC and still is at 14. Just yesterday he splashed for hours in DDs paddling pool and in the sprinkler.

Personally I wouldn't give up on the holiday. I'd try and stick it out. Maybe go have a cry and mourn the holiday you thought you were going to have. Then re- align your expectations for now. Could you have a low key day tomorrow, you and DH go for walks/ something short you would like to do but DS stops at the accommodation? Then maybe do short outings together- morning and lunch only with DS having a familiar picnic? I know one of my nephews with ASD and PDA can only cope with short outings for a few hours and an all day thing is just too much. Anything afternoon is often a write off as the anxiety has built too much by then.

As for future holidays, a lesson SIL has learnt is that the first couple of weeks of the school holidays are a write off, her DC need 10 days just to decompress from end of school. Even though they attend specialist settings who are admittedly much better at keeping a better routine for end of term than mainstream, they still really need 10 days at home with really low key outings just unravelling. They generally visit family for an hour, walk in the woods, water play, game for those first 10 days. She now will only book mid August and not too close to September as then the going back to School anxiety behavior starts. Familiar places (they go to 1 of 4 familiar holiday parks), low key days seems to be the winner for her. Is there any scope for re-arranging any of the pre booked holidays for another time?

Also, one thing SIL has learnt is that holidays with SEN DC isn't really a holiday, it's same shyte, different location and often worse than home. Instead her and BIL will leave the DC with family and have weekends away together. Perhaps leave teen DS with GP and have a weekend away.

Don't be a douche