To not know when to just go 'fuck it, sack off the holiday and go home'

[kaleidoscoperuby]

We're on a UK holiday and DS14 is just vile. He had no complaints about the planned holiday when it was booked 18 months ago but has been saying recently he didn't want to go. We offered for him to stay with GPs, he said no. He's angry, rude, uncommunicative, storming ahead, tutting, sighing - generally has a face like thunder.

He's autistic but well travelled and we're pretty good at dealing with his needs - was all factored in.

We're away for 10 days with a week to go. I'm just thinking we should go home and be done. But it seems like such a waste. We're many hours from home.

When do you give up and go home? Is that just teaching them that behaving badly = getting what they want?

When do you stop travelling as teens are so vile? We have quite a few abroad trips planned over the next few years but I'm considering cancelling them all but I really love travelling (and we won't be able to leave DS at home for many years due to his needs so no holidays for anyone).

Plug his device in, supply pile of rubbish food and feck off to do what the rest of the family want. Later when all have had some space identify 1 thing each family member wants to do on the holiday. Each person gets their day to have what they want. Keep it simple eg. Get a take away pizza, go fishing, have free morning, eat popcorn & watch movie, visit beach etc. leave the teen on their own with the proviso this is their big chance to show you how mature they are.

Our autistic son ruined holidays for all of us.and all he wanted to do was go “back to the room” in the end we left him to it.left him with his phone and the rest of us could stay on the beach etc/close by without having to leave after half an hour.

I'd tell him he's either got to sort out his attitude or you'll take him back/put him on a train to his grandparents whilst you enjoy the rest of your holiday. I know been a teen is hard but it's not ok for him to spoil the holiday for everyone else. If he was an adult you wouldn't let is slide I bet.

OP has already said he won't be going to grandparents @Milliemoo6. And I suspect he may not be capable of 'sorting out his attitude ' so easily. If things were so easy to sort out then don't you think OP would have thought of this approach already?

Also, if he were a disabled adult, instead of a disabled teen, she might still have to let things 'slide'? Lots of autistic adults don't live independently and still need considerable support - even the 'high-functtioning' ones (for want of a better term).
Disability changes things and parenting is quite different.

As an aside, here's no way my child with asd (who's actually a few years older than OP's son and who doesn’t have any intellectual diisability in case you're wondering) is capable of getting a train by himself yet. Not a hope at the moment I'm afraid.

No don't go home just crack on and enjoy yourself leave him to his own devices. Teenagers are a mare but they eventually come back to normal when their hormones settle down. Don't let him get to you he is pressing your buttons. I used to just nod and say whatever. Then explain what was going to be our day and up to him if he want to join in or not.

Just seen this post

We have 2x ASD teens. Over the years, I have massively reduced my expectations in general and around ‘holidays’.

We are the same family in a different location. We are all spending more time together than is normal (or natural).
The term ‘holiday’ is not really applicable, it’s a change of environment, a change of pace - and 1 of your party doesn’t cope well with change.

We try to keep as much as possible ‘the same’ & always go at the pace of the slowest person. I find opportunities to be alone eg I get up early morning & workout/ sunbath/read/go shopping alone/have any adult conversation without interruption.

Any responses from parents without ND kids can be safely ignored bc they do not understand the relentlessness of the challenging behaviour and the patience, planning and constant accommodations required.

Behaviour wise, my DH and I both completed
the NVR course (non violence resistance) which taught us about deescalation techniques and reduced our conflict as a couple. We stopped punishing by taking away tech etc and instead looked at more proportionate and instant natural
consequences.

Ultimately I have completely stopped comparing my life including ‘holidays’ with anyone else. My suffering was stemming from
wanting things to be different instead of accepting where I was and noticing what I could be grateful for in that moment.

Sending love and strength x

OP can't leave him for more than an hour so I don't see how that will work for her though? Not if it involves going out and about for long anyway.

Any responses from parents without ND kids can be safely ignored bc they do not understand the relentlessness of the challenging behaviour and the patience, planning and constant accommodations required.

This. Agree with everything @heaveho says.

No, OP said he doesn't want to go to his grandparents, but he also didn't want to go on the holiday either so not sure what your reasoning is there. And no, I don't think OP might have tried this approach already, nothing in the post suggests that and I didn't suggest it was easy. ASD is a blanket, it covers a huge range if behaviours and differences, and most children with ASD can still understand cause and effect. Also, having autism is not the same as being disabled, not everyone with autism considers themselves to have a disability.

Condescending much.....

It’s still classed as a disability.

Can we have a link for your declaration that -
“most children with ASD can still understand cause and effect.”

Aside from that when in complete disregulation or meltdown it doesn’t matter what you threaten they are in no place to calmly process anything.

Also for kids who have a PDA profile threatening is the last thing you should be doing.

Where was it condescending? I saw some good advice in there.

Understanding cause and effect is probably more related to IQ than autism but that doesn't prevent autistic children from doing something they know will have a bad effect just because they can't e.g. running off in an unfamiliar place when something is scary though they would not do it if they weren't scared.

Knowing the right thing to do rarely stops people from eating too much chocolate, drinking too much, buying too many Christmas presents, throwing good money after bad, and any number of other illogical things. Humans are generally not logical.

I should add that our DS (who has ADHD) understands cause and effect but makes errors (eg he knows which day the milk is delivered and will even ask if we are getting milk in the morning and then go ahead and use all the milk on supper when we've said we aren't getting milk in the morning).

He's also much better at "if you listen in your swimming lesson and don't just sit on the side we'll have your favourite lunch at the sports centre". Telling him we'd get lunch at McDonald's the next day wouldn't have the same motivational effect at all.

Not sure I said anything about threatening

Milliemoo6 · Yesterday 22:56
I'd tell him he's either got to sort out his attitude or you'll take him back/put him on a train to his grandparents whilst you enjoy the rest of your holiday. I know been a teen is hard but it's not ok for him to spoil the holiday for everyone else. If he was an adult you wouldn't let is slide I bet.

You threatened to put him on a train.

The bit that said ignore anything anyone without an ASD child has said.....

Why would you take advice from anybody who doesn’t have a ND child though?

Oh I don't know, maybe they're ND themselves, or have training in that area, or decades of experience working in a relevant field.....

Training, experience and being ND is not the same as parenting children with ND. I should know I have all 3. Training, experience and ND myself.

I didn't say it was the same. My comment was that it's condescending to suggest ignoring opinions from people who don't have a ND child just because they don't have a ND child.

@Milliemoo6 - if I recall correctly, the OP said her child can’t even be left in the hotel room for more than an hour - yet you suggested putting him on a train on his own - how was that of any help to the OP?

You don't recall correctly, there's no mention of that in the original post. Plus, I didn't say he had to go on the train alone.

He's ok to be left but only for a short period. He goes to a specialist school and his needs can be quite complex especially if he's been dysregulated so I'm wary of leaving him in not our own home.

But that's not in the original post is it. I'm not obliged to read through 14 pages of comments before making my own.

@Milliemoo6 You're not obliged to but you might well miss a crucial detail out if you don't read through them.