Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not know when to just go 'fuck it, sack off the holiday and go home'

407 replies

kaleidoscoperuby · 31/07/2024 16:44

We're on a UK holiday and DS14 is just vile. He had no complaints about the planned holiday when it was booked 18 months ago but has been saying recently he didn't want to go. We offered for him to stay with GPs, he said no. He's angry, rude, uncommunicative, storming ahead, tutting, sighing - generally has a face like thunder.

He's autistic but well travelled and we're pretty good at dealing with his needs - was all factored in.

We're away for 10 days with a week to go. I'm just thinking we should go home and be done. But it seems like such a waste. We're many hours from home.

When do you give up and go home? Is that just teaching them that behaving badly = getting what they want?

When do you stop travelling as teens are so vile? We have quite a few abroad trips planned over the next few years but I'm considering cancelling them all but I really love travelling (and we won't be able to leave DS at home for many years due to his needs so no holidays for anyone).

OP posts:
TreadSoftlyOnMyDreams · 01/08/2024 21:40

What an exhausting place to be in. You must be just so tired and fed up.

I only have experience of a normal pre/early teen which is I suspect not helpful. Several things I have found helpful:
Continuous food. Endless snacking. They are evil when hungry. If your son doesn't eat much then it's potentially an even bigger problem.

Tech detox. YouTube seems to drive the most horrific behaviour. A total detox (zero hours) seems to produce a semblance of a normal human within 2-3 days.

Trade offs. Discussion on what everyone wants to do. Find a balance even if it means the odd afternoon watching marvel films or staying home while he games. Teens are very keen on fair treatment. They have a very black and white world, even more so with autism.

But the relevant MN groups may have more helpful suggestions.

Packetofcrispsplease · 01/08/2024 22:00

Oh I feel for you OP .
My youngest ( of 3 ) has autism and mild learning disabilities .
We have nobody willing to help us / look after her so our holidays are ( and always have been ) a compromise .
I feel there is no point fighting it because I am tired .
What has worked best for us recently is having short holidays in the UK so we aren’t away from home for too long .
We take our dog along too so she has the comfort of having him there with her .
We book a self catering holiday cottage with a garden .
We check bedroom configuration which means she can decide to share a twin room with me or have privacy in her own bedroom.
We make sure there is a separate toilet as well as a main bathroom.
She takes certain items from home with her and her Nintendo Switch .
She is ok to be left alone for short periods of time so we try to get a location that means I can go out for coffee with husband in the mornings
And she can do the same thing , wander local shops and go to the cafes , once we have familiarised her with the location .
That age can be so difficult 😞

TiredyMcTired · 01/08/2024 22:06

kaleidoscoperuby · 01/08/2024 16:35

There's so many comments on here that are lovely and helpful and so many that have no idea what people with a severe social and communication disorder have to manage (or the families who do their best to help develop and nurture while not destroying these young people). It makes me feel quite sick about the world he has been brought into and the level of judgement, ignorance and hatred they will face.

DS may be 14 but for some things he's like a 7 or 8 year old. Other things like a 10 year old etc. I hope when he's a much older adult, the spiky profile will level out but his specialist school, the professionals and us have very complex plan to get him there. It's not linear. It's not clear cut and it is not easy.

Shouting at him, smashing his devices, telling him he's ruined everything and berating him for his disability is not going to move anything forward, it'll just set him back years of progress. You can't parent ND children in the same way as NT, everyone knows that.

When I said his needs have trumped everything, I don't literally mean he's ruled the roost and demanded everything and got everything. I just mean we've had to consider his disability every second of every day and try and engineer success, development and learning to achieve the end goal of independence at some point.

I totally get NT parents think we're pandering to our children but please don't judge until you've walked in our shoes. This could have been your life just as easily as it was mine. Everything we have to do is professional advice.

Thank you for the solidarity from all the ND parents who understand. We're doing ok today. Low demand / Low activity has = low anxiety and much less poor communication. Still undecided if going home would just be easier but we'll see.

Hi OP, just wanted to offer some solidarity. My 15 year old is ND, and we usually have to plan holidays so that he can cope and things rub along OK. We’ve just got back from Florida - we’ve been with him before, managed his sensory needs etc and he coped fine - he really wanted to go back so we booked again.

Honestly, some days he looked like we’d kidnapped him against his will and he trailed about with a face like a slapped arse, all slouchy and moody and just wanted to stare at his phone. Holiday cost us a LOT of money and was meant to be a treat for him! DH was ready to give up after a few days, but we eventually worked out that his hormones and changing ND needs meant he just wasn’t coping well with his changed routine. We built in more rest time, and although he still had his days where he looked like he’d rather be anywhere else, he was more settled.

It is so difficult to know how ND teens will react to change of routine, even with the best preparation, so go easy on yourself and us parents who know what’s it’s like are with you in spirit!

pookie999 · 01/08/2024 22:21

I can't believe parents are talking about their children as vile. I'm a foster carer and look after mainly this age range. If you don't know how to parent and can't take responsibility for how you have raised your children. Do everyone a favour and don't have kids. You should be ashamed to be such unloving parents

Calliopespa · 01/08/2024 22:26

pookie999 · 01/08/2024 22:21

I can't believe parents are talking about their children as vile. I'm a foster carer and look after mainly this age range. If you don't know how to parent and can't take responsibility for how you have raised your children. Do everyone a favour and don't have kids. You should be ashamed to be such unloving parents

There’s always one …

AnnieSnap · 01/08/2024 22:42

@kaleidoscoperuby I haven’t had a SEN child, but dealing with my own regular teenagers was a pretty horrible experience, so I really feel for you 💐 What does his dad say/want to do?

Pirateshipmethinks · 01/08/2024 23:16

@pookie999
It's very clear OP loves her DS though she's finding his behaviour hard to take at the moment.

Lots of people on here can empathise with the difficulties she's facing.

Blackthorne · 02/08/2024 00:19

Calliopespa · 01/08/2024 22:26

There’s always one …

Show quote history

There is indeed!! 😆🙄🙄

FancyBiscuitsLevel · 02/08/2024 08:00

OP for next year - could you afford to pay for slightly larger accommodation and take your parents/PIL along too? You could make a schedule so your ds knows what’s going on - eg Monday Mum and Dad are going to x place in the morning, Granny and Grandad will be at the holiday house. In the afternoon G&G are going to y place, mum and dad will be at holiday house, you can stay at the holiday home all day or join either. On Tuesday Mum and Dad are going for a bigger day out to Z. G&G will be home all day. M&D need to leave by 10am. On Wednesday, G&G are going all day to… etc.

It means spending more to have a 3rd bedroom and is really only half a holiday for the adults. But if you put in a few things he wants to do in advance (even once he gets to it he doesn’t want to fo them) and he knows clearly when things are happening, it might make engaging easier.

and a lot can change in a year (as you’ve found the hard way!)

Gr33nSpot · 02/08/2024 08:49

pookie999 · 01/08/2024 22:21

I can't believe parents are talking about their children as vile. I'm a foster carer and look after mainly this age range. If you don't know how to parent and can't take responsibility for how you have raised your children. Do everyone a favour and don't have kids. You should be ashamed to be such unloving parents

I’ll bite.I seriously doubt you are a foster carer. Any foster carer would be well aware how hard it can be raising a ND child ( not just for periods of time but for life)and how behaviours that are very much part and parcel of ND are not down to how parents have raised their children .

Op is clearly a very loving mum.

Whatafustercluck · 02/08/2024 09:11

Hi op, solidarity here too. Dd is 7 and to many appears 'normal', goes to mainstream school etc. But we're going to have to rethink future holidays. Long journeys to get anywhere (driving and ferries where we all have to stay in one room) are a nightmare. She then takes several days to adjust and settle. Days out doing things we want to do are generally accompanied by meltdowns, sensory problems with shoes/ socks (so she won't walk anywhere), and beset by challenges. We try to build in downtime, we try to encourage her to have calmer times - but she wants to be on the go all the time (she's asd/ adhd). Dh struggles massively with her behaviours, I'm largely more understanding of her needs but constantly mediating. And our poor 13yo ds ends up stepping in to help a lot. Sometimes he's the only one who can get through to her.

So I'm afraid I don't have any solutions for you. It's hideous when judgemental eyes are on us and we're still very much feeling our way. We're on holiday now and I'm just not sure it's worth it in future. We don't feel rested, or relaxed. We feel stressed out. We feel better at home.

CableCar · 02/08/2024 10:21

kaleidoscoperuby · 01/08/2024 16:35

There's so many comments on here that are lovely and helpful and so many that have no idea what people with a severe social and communication disorder have to manage (or the families who do their best to help develop and nurture while not destroying these young people). It makes me feel quite sick about the world he has been brought into and the level of judgement, ignorance and hatred they will face.

DS may be 14 but for some things he's like a 7 or 8 year old. Other things like a 10 year old etc. I hope when he's a much older adult, the spiky profile will level out but his specialist school, the professionals and us have very complex plan to get him there. It's not linear. It's not clear cut and it is not easy.

Shouting at him, smashing his devices, telling him he's ruined everything and berating him for his disability is not going to move anything forward, it'll just set him back years of progress. You can't parent ND children in the same way as NT, everyone knows that.

When I said his needs have trumped everything, I don't literally mean he's ruled the roost and demanded everything and got everything. I just mean we've had to consider his disability every second of every day and try and engineer success, development and learning to achieve the end goal of independence at some point.

I totally get NT parents think we're pandering to our children but please don't judge until you've walked in our shoes. This could have been your life just as easily as it was mine. Everything we have to do is professional advice.

Thank you for the solidarity from all the ND parents who understand. We're doing ok today. Low demand / Low activity has = low anxiety and much less poor communication. Still undecided if going home would just be easier but we'll see.

Here here. Big hugs.

TTCournumberthree · 02/08/2024 10:21

Hi OP,

just wanted to say ignore the ignorant comments from ignorant people. It’s so very difficult sometimes being a SEN parent. I feel I’ve got all this to come over the next couple of years.

i do hope DS has settled a little more and you are getting to enjoy some aspects of your holiday, I would definitely for now put some of your others on hold/cancel.

I might be a little selfish saying this but maybe look to changing one of those hols to a break away for you and OH if DS is comfortable staying with GPs or safe person.

VeneziaJ · 02/08/2024 10:22

I wouldnt bin the holiday tbh. You have paid for it and can try to enjoy despite the moody teen. Is he missing friends or whats behind his moods?
As for holidays abroad can you give him the option well ahead of time of staying with family or coming along and making the best of it? We have a 14 year old boy also autistic here and he hates going away mainly because he misses his xbox🙄 but we can usually get him to enjoy parts of the holiday (even if he wont openly admit it😂) he went to Rome in April and admitted( grudgingly! )That the architecture and history were interesting and he loved the food but he did complain about the walking and the heat 😂

Gr33nSpot · 02/08/2024 10:39

Just like to add that it’s important to remember the wonderful qualities our ND children have. It’s really hard to do this in difficult periods which are not always the time to do it however at times of reflection it really helps.Getting overwhelmed and having big difficulties doesn’t negate that or define them. I’m beyond proud of my dc, their personalities, qualities and all they have overcome. I still can and will gnash my teeth in frustration at times though. That doesn’t define me as a parent either.

BlackeyedSusan · 02/08/2024 11:04

I think you just have to make the best of it... Get what little snippets of holiday you can. Adjust attitude (you know you can't parent like a NT parent, you can't holiday like it either) Try to let his comments go and ignore them as best as possible. You've "fucked up" his routine by going on holiday and he is dysregulated and they can be erm... "Challenging "

It is hard. It is upsetting. Try not to compare with the NTs

Cancelling your other holidays might not be a bad thing.

(Parent of autistic teens, currently on holiday with them)

SDTGisAnEvilWolefGenius · 02/08/2024 12:15

@pookie999 - aside from the generally unfeeling and nasty tone of your post, I have to take issue with you saying "Don't have kids". Can you explain exactly how the OP is supposed to achieve this, given that I doubt she has access to a time machine, so she already HAS a child?

And can you not understand her needing to vent here, given how difficult her life is?

I hope you are more empathetic and caring to the children you foster!!

Packetofcrispsplease · 02/08/2024 13:03

I will also add , because check out in self catering cottages tends to be early we sometimes leave the evening before because she’s a nightmare to get sorted and packed for the journey home and an early start is 😱

FancyBiscuitsLevel · 02/08/2024 13:25

@Whatafustercluck - I feel your sock and shoe pain!! Buying sandals was near impossible for dd this year as her feet are too big for many of the leather sandals with Velcro and walking sandals with trainer material don’t feel right.

we now have found one brand of socks that are acceptable and don’t have toe seams- they are very spendy and if you look at them too long they get holes in them.

Whatafustercluck · 02/08/2024 14:58

FancyBiscuitsLevel · 02/08/2024 13:25

@Whatafustercluck - I feel your sock and shoe pain!! Buying sandals was near impossible for dd this year as her feet are too big for many of the leather sandals with Velcro and walking sandals with trainer material don’t feel right.

we now have found one brand of socks that are acceptable and don’t have toe seams- they are very spendy and if you look at them too long they get holes in them.

Have you tried the M&S seamless sensory ones? A little cheaper but they worked for a while with dd. These days we put her to bed in clean ones for the following day, or if she cannot tolerate them even then, we slip them on her feet while she's asleep. That works well for us. Her sensory problems are always more pronounced when she's dysregulated and it's as much about control and things being 'perfect' for her (looking and feeling perfect). We have similar problems with her hair - I often have to re-do it several times before she'll accept it as good enough. She's deliberately ripped several hairbands in anger/ frustration and thrown her hairbrish at walls/ us.

FancyBiscuitsLevel · 02/08/2024 15:04

oh socks in bed would be a no!!! thanks for the M&S tip, I’ll give them a go. Ideally she’d have bare feet at all times. Shoes have to be put on and taken off multiple times before it’s right. (sorry @kaleidoscoperuby for disrupting your holiday thread with sock chat!)

CoffeeCup14 · 02/08/2024 15:36

Sock shop bamboo socks are really good.

Lovelydovey · 02/08/2024 15:37

CoffeeCup14 · 02/08/2024 15:36

Sock shop bamboo socks are really good.

Seconded. Only socks DS will wear (thanks to a mumsnet trial).

Gr33nSpot · 02/08/2024 15:55

My dd only wears those fluffy socks- even in the height of summer!😳

NellyBarney · 03/08/2024 10:10

DC is autistic and we lasted 3 nights in what we thought was perfectly suitable for or autistic teen - own room and bath, quiet location, part of a very upmarket chain we had stayed at before, in a location they are very familiar with.. DC wasn't vile, bless them, but they just couldn't cope. Couldn't eat or drink anything, couldn't sleep, couldn't stop stimming and crying. We just accepted that we can't go on holiday now until they are 16 and can stay at home alone. In the meantime, we are splitting holidays, I take siblings on my own and dh stays home with autistic dc (dh finds travelling on his own in charge of dcs too stressful). I assume he is only so vile because he is overwhelmed, you'll know him best. I found changes of routine and travelling became much harder for mine as they got older. I think I would have personally stuck it out as I could see some improvement in dc as she got used to the place, but dh is autistic, too, so finds holidays stressful at the best of times, so couldn't cope with the extra stress at all.