Huw Edwards case - the impact on family

[therunningman]

Spare a thought for Huw Edwards family today. They must be going through hell and feeling deeply conflicted right now. This is something that will reverberate through their lives for years to come. And being such a public figure, impossible to forget or box away as a "family secret" (yes, every family has them) in the future.

I write from bitter experience. Some years ago my dad was similarly prosecuted and pleaded guilty. Completely out of character and out of the blue. Outcome was some sort of supervision order. No custodial or suspended sentence.

Fast forward today and my wife refuses to have anything to do with my parents, they are persona non grata to her, completely. On the other hand I refused to "cancel" my dad just like that. This has placed a huge strain on our marriage and mental health at times. To compound difficulties my sibling and their partner found a way to forgive. They remain very close to my parents and holiday with them and do all the usual family stuff Christmas etc. regularly. Watching that is very hard for me. (You'll notice I've written parents, yes they remained together.)

It's all too easy to join a braying mob ("peado!") but very very difficult for close family to navigate. There is no right or wrong answer and certainly no guidebook.

I'll leave you then with an open and hypothetical question. Suppose this happened to your father in law, seemingly out of the blue. You have primary school children. How would you react, and what would you expect your wife/husband to do? Really?

There is no greater test of your marriage than that (or indeed your relationship with you in-laws), trust me.

THIS ☝🏻

Those innocent child victims are also somebody else’s children. I have zero sympathy for families who choose to support abhorrent child abusers and as far as I am concerned the perpetrators should be outcasts in society. It actually makes me feel physically sick when you said about your father going on holiday… Your father is a disgusting human being and those children he abused did not get justice. Your father was handed a ridiculously lenient sentence - those innocent children will face a lifetime sentence. All evidence suggests the victims will have very poor life outcomes and your father is the reason why. Your wife is 100% to disconnect from your family - I cannot fathom why you have started this thread. I suggest you do some soul searching and ask yourself what do you need from your toxic family?

@Runnerinthenight Being in turmoil because a family member has done this and you had no idea previously, is not an excuse to stay in contact with a child sexual abuser.

Anyone decent would get rid of them from their lives and work through their feelings, as the thought of them getting off on children being abused would be horrifying to them.

Anyone that stays in touch/supports them is sick in the head.

Exactly this.

In an ideal world, yes of course. I personally wouldn't outright condemn an individual for keeping in some sort of contact (no children though, that's a definite) because it must be hellish separating the person who has reared you with the sexual deviant they are. It's unimaginable.

I can't imagine having cut my own late dad off for any reason, but he was kind and loving, and never involved in anything remotely sleazy. It just wasn't who he was. He was a good and honest man. I imagine HE's kids probably thought the same about him. I can't imagine how hard it must be for them to reconcile the father they thought they had with what he has done.

I'll leave you then with an open and hypothetical question. Suppose this happened to your father in law, seemingly out of the blue. You have primary school children. How would you react, and what would you expect your wife/husband to do? Really?

He would be dead to me and my children and I’d hope that he’d be sent down for a long time.

This
Your wife is right and you are minimising child abuse.

Personally I wouldn't trust you given your stance and I would end the marriage.

I can't imagine having cut my own late dad off for any reason, but he was kind and loving, and never involved in anything remotely sleazy. It just wasn't who he was.

Proving once again, that your opinion comes from an utterly clueless place. If you found out that your father was indeed someone who masturbated for example to children screaming in distress while they were being raped, if you didn't cut him off, you would be very, very wrong. It's very simple. If it isn't that simple for some, then they need help.

I think I’d find it quite easy to cut someone off who I’d previously held in high esteem when I thought of them having a wank to an image of a child having their poor little body violated the most heinous way possible. These aren’t consenting adults engaging in sexual acts I find morally questionable, they are children almost certainly in tremendous amounts of pain, having their lives ruined. And that person I loved was getting off to it? No. Absolutely not. They’d be dead to me.

Anyone who finds themselves in this situation probably does need help.

Do you have personal experience or does your opinion also come from "an utterly clueless place"???

Anyone who finds themselves in this situation probably does need help.

Yes, but that doesn't include keeping a child abuser in their life.

Do you have personal experience or does your opinion also come from "an utterly clueless place"???

Unfortunately yes I do have personal experience and we cut the person out of our lives.

Exactly.

Fucked up people are too busy sympathising with child abusers or people who stick by child abusers though.

easy to judge until you are in that position yourself

To be honest I can’t see any point in arguing your point @therunningman If it was up to mumsnet we’d be back in the dark ages if it was left to them to create crime prevention strategies. They will just keep interpreting your post as they see fit and throw around wild accusations as they have done.

I do agree that you can’t really hold it against your wife that she wants to keep her kids safe and it would be better if you follow her lead in that area - after all it’s also not her dad who perpetrated the crimes so there may not be much of a relationship anyway. But I didn’t take that from your post anyway. I see why it’s been hard for you, but it’s not your fault that your dad did what he did. I think he is probably already paying through reduced family interaction. It’s up to the state to decide further punishment which they seemingly already have done, even though maybe not to the extent he may have deserved. But that is also not your fault.

Some countries are introducing services for people who have inappropriate feelings towards minors, promising anonymous treatment, and it seems to show some success. Again, there is no excuse watching or committing CSA in any shape or form but we can’t allow our emotions from making matters worse. A level of pragmatism is required to fight the root cause. I don’t know what happens in those people’s brains but we don’t seem want to address that question as a society - we are far busier proving that men can be women. We prefer the good old witch hunt and this will actually cause the opposite effect and endanger our children even more as it drives perpetrators to hide and carry on as they struggle to fight those feelings by themselves so they become a self fulfilling prophecy.

yes, people can be nice and predators at the same time so I would keep that in mind. The decision to cut contact only you can make (not including your children) and nobody has the right to judge you for your decision. You may want to ask if your father has shown remorse and has taken steps for rehabilitation after his conviction. If he showed no remorse I would ask him why. I would still like to know. And it obviously depends on what he has done - I’d argue there is still a difference between someone ending up watching something they shouldn’t and perpetrating themselves - there is often a cognitive disconnect when people just watch stuff. Plenty of men have slipped into CSA through adult films on the dark web, another link many don’t want to admit to because it apparently doesn’t happen to them.

But again, it’s only a decision you can make. And I don’t think Mumsnet is the best place to get peace of mind as you quickly figured out yourself.

How close were you to the person prior to the incident? What was your relationship?

I couldn’t socialise with a child abuser so naturally would have to cut them out of my life. Whoever they were.

Very difficult situation for OP to be in.

As a parent, keeping your child safe is your number one priority. Therefore, your wife would be entirely sensible not to allow DCs to spend time with your father alone. Beyond that, I don’t think your wife has any right to challenge your decision to associate with your dad. It poses zero risk to anyone’s safety if the children aren’t involved, so it’s entirely your decision and you’re likely the best judge of whether your father is reformed and regrets his actions.

There is no such thing as a reformed paedophile. They have a sexual attraction to children that cannot be ‘cured’.