Huw Edwards case - the impact on family

[therunningman]

Spare a thought for Huw Edwards family today. They must be going through hell and feeling deeply conflicted right now. This is something that will reverberate through their lives for years to come. And being such a public figure, impossible to forget or box away as a "family secret" (yes, every family has them) in the future.

I write from bitter experience. Some years ago my dad was similarly prosecuted and pleaded guilty. Completely out of character and out of the blue. Outcome was some sort of supervision order. No custodial or suspended sentence.

Fast forward today and my wife refuses to have anything to do with my parents, they are persona non grata to her, completely. On the other hand I refused to "cancel" my dad just like that. This has placed a huge strain on our marriage and mental health at times. To compound difficulties my sibling and their partner found a way to forgive. They remain very close to my parents and holiday with them and do all the usual family stuff Christmas etc. regularly. Watching that is very hard for me. (You'll notice I've written parents, yes they remained together.)

It's all too easy to join a braying mob ("peado!") but very very difficult for close family to navigate. There is no right or wrong answer and certainly no guidebook.

I'll leave you then with an open and hypothetical question. Suppose this happened to your father in law, seemingly out of the blue. You have primary school children. How would you react, and what would you expect your wife/husband to do? Really?

There is no greater test of your marriage than that (or indeed your relationship with you in-laws), trust me.

I'm sorry you've gone through this and I hope you have support. For me, my priority would be my children and I would cease contact.

It was reported yesterday that Davies & his wife have separated as his address on the court papers was a different one.
And yes, your wife is right not to sweep it under the carpet.

I would divorce my husband if his father was a pedo.

TBH, OP I am shocked your wife stayed with you after finding that out. I’d have ended the relationship there and then.

Mostly because if I was her I wouldn’ trust your father around my children or any friends of my children - particularly when they were young and vulnerable. And I wouldn’t be able to look at him without feeling sick.

"Suppose this happened to your father in law"

Nothing "happened" to your dad. He chose to view images of children being abused, thus creating demand for more children to be abused and abusing those children again by looking at the images. He chose to do that. He chose to do it in spite of being a father and grandfather himself, knowing it was illegal. He got caught and he chose to plead guilty, likely because of overwhelming evidence. So I would cut him off and thank god he was caught.

It wasn't out of character for your father, it's who he is.

Well done to your wife for refusing to talk to him.

I write from bitter experience. Some years ago my dad was similarly prosecuted and pleaded guilty. Completely out of character and out of the blue. Outcome was some sort of supervision order. No custodial or suspended sentence.

Completely out of character? Maybe from the character he pretended to be, but his real character was obviously very different.

If this was my FIL, I would have nothing to do with him. I know my partner would wipe him out of our lives too. If I had a partner that wanted to see him, forgive him etc, I would end our relationship.

Spare a thought for victims.

I'll leave you then with an open and hypothetical question. Suppose this happened to your father in law, seemingly out of the blue. You have primary school children. How would you react, and what would you expect your wife/husband to do? Really?

It didn't just happen to your FIL, it was caused by him. Saying it 'happened' makes it sound accidental. It wasn't, your FIL chose to do this.

I would go no contact and would expect my DP to do the same, and also with anyone who chose to apologise or stand by the paedophile.

You should have cut them off completely OP, you're choosing someone who's complicit in child sexual abuse over your own children and wife.

You said that there's no wrong or right answer, there is and it's the one that supports your wife and children and goes no contact with the child abuser and anyone that apologises for them.

I feel incredibly sorry for his family, no family should have to deal with this - but it is his fault, his actions (or inactions) his arrogance, his selfishness (prioritising his ‘needs’ over the potential consequences and impact) and his disregard for his victims and the abuse his involvement perpetuates that has caused all the heartache, no one else.
These men may serve their time but they should carry the responsibility and accountability for their actions forever. That is as true for your situation as for Huw Edwards.
Furthermore, there isn’t a ‘paedo scale’ as some people seem to be suggesting - if you engage in looking at pictures of abuse of children you are a paedophile, regardless of whether there was ever a plan to act/take things further.

“Suppose this happened to your father in law, seemingly out of the blue. You have primary school children. How would you react, ”

He would never see me or my children again. Absolutely* *no contact.

I would also be re-living every time they were in his presence and wondering if anything had happened.

@Copperoliverbear rates of imprisonment and lengths of sentences are far, far higher in the UK than most other Western countries. We are not in any way 'weak' in comparison to most other comparable countries. The only country which imprisons more people for longer is the US and that doesn't seem to be working out very well for them either.
There are many, many countries with lower rates of crime than us which have more lenient sentencing.

If my FIL or indeed my actual father was convicted of this kind of thing I would never have anything to do with them again.

I am absolutely on your wife's side.

I feel sorry for you op, it must be an awful thing to go through, and I feel sorry for Huw edwards family. I think it show though how completely selfish they both were.

You can choose to have contact with your father, but you can’t keep your children safe. From
your dw pov what is the point of maintaining a relationship with fil? It would fill me with disgust to be in the same room as him.

If my FIL did this, and then my DH not only stayed in touch with him, but expected me
to; I’d be cutting my DH off alongside his vile FIL.

You can’t be remorseful or fix this; you need shunned by society. Otherwise it continues.

Completely out of character

No, completely in his character. Just you didn’t know. Well done to your wife, you should be proud of her and take inspiration from her.

And yes, my family has been in this situation, and we’re still waiting for a court date, and the perpetrator can burn in hell as far as I am concerned.

I'd probably also throw up

Spot on.

Anyone who appeases and makes excuses for paedophiles is equally as guilty, and that includes family.

Vile.

I think this is fair. Your father made a choice ; Huw Edward made a choice.
The victims did not have any choice. Thats the thing about abuse.

If I met your wife , I would shake her hand.

So I do feel for the families who discover there is a paedophile in their midst, but I would have zero sympathy for the offender.

I'm not sure it's your family's place to forgive either

Give your head a wobble.

your dad viewed and contributed to the abuse of innocent children.

anyone still in contact with him is excusing and minimising his disgusting perverted behaviour.

shame on you just as much as him.

Having worked with people who have been featured in images like this (therapist), that predators like your father hoard and masturbate/fantasize to, relishing their greatest trauma for their sexual gratification, I quite literally could not give a fuck about the ethical dilema their families face. I have all the sympathy in the world for people who cut them out and the shock and fall out of that and have helped those people. People like you? Not so much.

The societal minimization of images offenses is a real problem. People like your father are just as bad as people who abuse children in real life. Imagine if your child was abused on tape or pictures were taken and they were shared and shared and shared, them being humiliated and victimized over and over and over again by pedophiles like your father. Imagine them in an office like mine week after week sobbing and screaming about those pictures being out there. Self harming. Not functioning. Their life in ruins. I think you'd find "cancelling" the pedophiles who did that to them pretty easy. But not your child not your problem right? 🙄

My absolute priority always has and always would be my children.

The perpetrator of child abuse is an adult with mental capacity and would have chosen of their own free will to see abhorrent material or do disgusting abusive things to a child.

if that was either my in laws or any close family member they would NEVER see my family again and if DH did not accept that I would divorce him too.

i feel sorry for the child victims, who have been abused and had their choices taken away. I feel nothing, but absolutely sickening disgust and condemnation for Hue Edwards and his ilk.

If that meant no contact with the in-laws then that's tough luck. They would have known the risks of doing what they did would jeopardise their relationship forever with any grandchildren.

Thankfully, this a hypothetical situation, but I 100 % agree with your partner go never have contact with your parent's again, quite right !

I would keep my children far, far away from a family member who had done this. Doesn't matter one bit that they are family they have done a sickening and despicable thing that can never be forgiven. Totally on your wife's side and you should be ashamed of yourself.

If my father in law was found guilty of what Huw Edward did he would never see my son again. I would also refuse to see him again.

I wouldn’t try to interfere with my husband maintaining a relationship with him as long as it was mutually agreed that there were no exceptions to the rule that he couldn’t be in contact with our son.

It may have been out of character of Huw Edward. It may have been a terrible, regretted decision. I don’t care. It doesn’t change the fact that children have faced unimaginable horror which will impact on their lives together. And if I knew someone in my life had done the same I wouldn’t take even the tiniest chance of my son being placed in harm’s way.

I do feel desperately sorry for Huw Edward’s family, who have done nothing wrong and will be affected by this forever.