MIL ignored gift idea

[Memo88]

It’s My DS’s birthday at the weekend, he asked for two new toys on his birthday list.

My side of the family are very generous with gifts, and I love the whole process of spoiling people for their birthday. My mum asked what DS wanted so I suggested one of the birthday list gifts which she got along with a couple of other bits. MIL asked what DS would like and the other toy was within the budget she gave so I suggested that - then DS would get both asked for toys and there’s no favouritism between sides.

In the meantime I’ve thought of and bought gifts from us and his younger brother, all sorted.

Or so I thought, MIL has decided DS doesn’t need / she doesn’t want to buy another plastic toy so she’s going to get a book which is 3 years above his reading level for him 🙄.

I’m so annoyed that DS now won’t get the only two toys he’s actually asked for, because my judgemental MIL thinks he has enough toys. AIBU to tell her no the next time she inevitably asks for a suggestion?

Could you not return a couple of the other bits and get what he wants yourself? But yes I wouldn't give her one of your toy selections again.

While this is really annoying, could you return something you bought and buy the present for him?
Or get it for him next week?
I buy my kids toys wherever, not just birthdays and Christmas which isn't necessarily a good thing but shrug

I would be clearer. When she asks, say, ‘Billy is desperate for an x-do you want to get him that or shall I?’.

I guess MIL is bringing something new to the table - getting something unexpected or a bit different for a birthday. Is it such a disaster that DS got one and not both of the toys he wanted?

I'd have been clearer with her and said he has asked for this but please let me know if you don't want to get this as I will get it no problem. Asking for a suggestion doesn't mean she 100% is getting that item.

Just take him shopping for it with his “birthday money”. Don’t rely on grandparents to get wanted gifts. Even though my DDs don’t technically get birthday money unless it’s asked for from family I would lie and say they had some that they could use to buy a wanted toy in this case.

Going forward make sure you get the priority gifts going forward.

YANBU , we had years of this , in the end I just told the in-laws things from the ‘would appreciate but not that fussed’ list

I've always backed up suggestions for key presents with a text 'Can I check - have you bought the XYZ or shall I get it?'

Just don't give her the primo suggestion in future.

Well, he probably doesn’t need more plastic , and so what if the book is above his reading level? You can read it to him, or she can, and he can read it himself later.

YANBU. I hate being made to do the work of thinking of gift ideas and provide them and if they then aren't followed up it's a total waste of my time!

She asked for a suggestion. She probably didn't realise she got an order.

Annoying. You know now not to suggest the things he really wants. If someone isn’t actually going to be there, I often says I’m getting X and Y as I know DC want them, you can give the money and I’ll label from you.

Well what was the point of asking OP what he wanted on his list then? OP would have bought different birthday presents had she known and now presumably it’s too late to exchange and return and her son will be disappointed. It’s not spoiled to look forward to a kid only asking for a couple of things to get what they asked for.

My inlaws (while we were still in contact) would do this, books and clothes way out of reading range, we live in a small flat so it all got donated. We can barely fit the stuff we need let alone letting things knock around for years till they are finally of use!

The one time they did buy the things on the list they threw a strop on Christmas Eve and refused to visit because we wouldn’t leave the house to go theirs whilst I was recovering from surgery. Nuts. Thankfully they are out of my life and it’s peaceful now.

How ungrateful

i’ve already wrapped up our gifts tbh so I’m not too keen to start returning etc. I like the idea of taking him shopping with ‘birthday money’.

its a fair point that it was a suggestion not an order, I guess I just won’t be giving her my best suggestion next time. I do find it annoying that it’s another thing on my mental load to come up with these ideas alongside everything else.

My in laws always used to do this too! Ask for what the kids wanted and then ignore it and buy whatever they liked, often presents that were too young or too old for them. It was totally bizarre and after a few times I just said “money will be fine, or I’m happy for you to choose something” and now they just send money and I pick out a gift (or now they’re older, just give them the money).

I didn’t mind them not buying what I suggested, but why ask?

It’s a suggestion. She doesn’t have to do it. It’s on your list anyway, so it’s hardly ‘mental load’. I couldn’t get worked up about stuff like this.

If she asks again just say "please let me know whether or not you end up buying suggested gift for DS so I know what to get him myself".

@Memo88 don’t give her a list again. Direct her to your husband, and if she asks just say you chose not to use the list last time 🤷🏻‍♀️

This drives me nuts! I would firmly add her to the category of people that when asked you give very loose ideas to: ‘he’s really enjoying space at the moment so maybe something space themed’.
With immediate family, when they ask me what to get for DS I would always assume they are asking for a specific item because they want to get something off of his list. Otherwise why ask! When my parents, in laws or brother ask what can they get DS for his birthday I tend to send a link to whatever it is, cross it off of my mental list and move on!

Isn't it annoying when people do this? My DH used to do it, but when having unwrapped my gifts one year, I found the one thing that I really wanted was missing, so the next day I went out and bought it for myself. He questioned why I'd done that, so I told him that he'd asked for suggestions and so when I'd told him that I'd REALLY, REALLY like such and such, I'd expected him to get it for me, and was disappointed that he hadn't. He said that he didn't like buying me things I was expecting, so we decided that the best thing to do was for me to come up with a list of things I'd like, with my most important gift highlighted at the top of the list, but that I would give him a choice, ie, this year I've asked for a new handbag, I've done a list with links to the ones I like, and I'll be happy with anything on the list. He therefore knows that he'll be making me happy by buying me a bag, but he'll be happy as it will be a surprise for me when I open it, as I won't know which one he's chosen.

However, Grandparents often don't approve of our choices for various reasons, and so as others have said, your best bet is to have a list of gifts for other people, and a list of things for you, with his/her most desperate wishes only on YOUR list. That way you know that if there's something they're desperate for, that they're not going to be disappointed.

I always tell people what I’ve bought for precisely this reason. It’s not fair to take a good present idea then not buy the present.

My DPs family never ask for ideas and buy whatever takes their fancy but whatever it is will be 3/4 years too young. They don't see my DC that often but always get the age wrong.

Agree with this. It's a suggestion, an idea, it's not compulsory for her to get it.

Yes , and ungrateful.