MIL ignored gift idea

[Memo88]

It’s My DS’s birthday at the weekend, he asked for two new toys on his birthday list.

My side of the family are very generous with gifts, and I love the whole process of spoiling people for their birthday. My mum asked what DS wanted so I suggested one of the birthday list gifts which she got along with a couple of other bits. MIL asked what DS would like and the other toy was within the budget she gave so I suggested that - then DS would get both asked for toys and there’s no favouritism between sides.

In the meantime I’ve thought of and bought gifts from us and his younger brother, all sorted.

Or so I thought, MIL has decided DS doesn’t need / she doesn’t want to buy another plastic toy so she’s going to get a book which is 3 years above his reading level for him 🙄.

I’m so annoyed that DS now won’t get the only two toys he’s actually asked for, because my judgemental MIL thinks he has enough toys. AIBU to tell her no the next time she inevitably asks for a suggestion?

Or she could, perhaps, get her grandson the thing he actually wants, instead of using a child’s birthday as a vehicle for the demonstration of her moral superiority.

The child has only asked for two things. That’s a very small ask, and turning her nose up and deciding to get him something she personally considers a more improving gift is joyless and self-centred of her. He’s not a demanding kid and it’s not unreasonable for his mum to want him to have the only two toys he’s said he really wants on his birthday.

If MIL wants to buy the child a book he won’t be able to read, why bother to ask what he wanted in the first place? It’s twattish to ask what he most wants and then refuse to buy it for him when it’s within her budget.

It would have been every bit as miserable of her if he had asked for a book three years above his reading age that he desperately wanted, and she’d said “He’s got enough books and that one’s too hard for him so I’ve got him a plastic toy he’s shown no interest in owning instead.” It’s tedious to make a child’s birthday about what she wants, rather than what he wants.

Next time, say 'You normally choose your own gift, so I've already shared out the ideas I have to others'.

My MIL did this but always chose something my children weren't interested in because she never bothered to get to know them.

Ignore the people who say you're ungrateful. If she wants to chose a gift for him then she should get to know him better. Otherwise it'll end up as an unused gift, which is a waste.

This happened for my daughters first couple of birthdays/Christmas' from my side of the family they hounded me everyday for gift ideas and asked me to send links, only to go out and buy something completely different, I was mainly annoyed at having to scroll through the internet for ideas more that anything when clearly they could think of gifts themselves.

Now I just say colouring in stuff, she loves it, I know it will get used and I don't have to waste time finding stuff to send them. Just give her a vague suggestion next time, and not the main pressies you know for certain the kids want.

My sister's in-laws do this. With 3 dc and limited space she’s careful with what she buys. They have a brio train set so when she asked for a specific brio engine she got a large plastic train set. The request for a small Lego set led to a huge vat of “Lego ”incompatable” bricks etc. Could you put something away for Christmas and get him the toy he wants for his Birthday?

This is the absolute worst. Buying stuff for sets that doesn't actually go with it or match what they need!

@Memo88 assume your child is fairly young. not getting a toy he wanted is not the end of the world. he will probably forget about it. and books are a great present. even if it is above his reading age, you could read it to him or he can enjoy it later.

ultimately choice of the gift is with the giver. although it is a little rude to ask for suggestions and then not get that.
I think it's too small an issue for anyone to stress over.

I definitely learned not to suggest anything that DS had set his heart on to MIL because you could guarantee that it would never materialise but something cheap and "similar" would, because she really thought it was the same.

It's frustrating OP. My ex' family do the same. They never listen.

I always ask DS for a list of things he might like. He loves fantasy novels, computer games, and bike accessories, which usually feature heavily on his list.

Every year, they get him Man Utd football strip - that horrible slimy polyester material. DS has no interest in football and would never wear it. It costs a fortune and goes in the charity bag every year. Self help books (for a child - wtf!). And socks with dogs or cats on. They both go in the recycling.

The only positive is hopefully Cancer Research get a decent amount for the football strip.

It's puzzling how anyone can be so tone deaf, but PPs have the best idea. Take your ds shopping with his 'birthday money'. Nice for him to be very grown-up and choose and buy it' himself.'

My mum does this. She'll ask for a present idea for one of my teenage daughters. I'll give her one and even send the link. She won't act on it because she's too disorganised and then end up giving them money, because "that's what they really wanted."
It's incredibly annoying.

Sorry, I don't mean to sound ungrateful
There's just history

I never get why people bother asking for suggestions if they’re not going to use them. We’ve had this happen too, with BIL and SIL. I’ve given them a suggestion of something not expensive that DD really wanted when they’ve asked, and they’ve got something totally different- and they barely know her because they’re just not bothered about seeing her. I ask for suggestions for my nieces and nephews because I want to get things they’d love, and if I can take something off my brothers’ lists for their DCs I always feel that’s helpful, and they always say they appreciate it.

A suggestion is just that, not a contract so you are unreasonable to have suggested to her something he really wants. Also, being honest, a book is a great present.

A book three years too old for him? Why? I’m a voracious reader and a book that isn’t suitable to read for three years to read for the birthday boy is a rubbish present imo.

When is the birthday?

You seem to be doing everything birthday related, where is DH in this?

He can unwrap and take back presents, then rewrap new one?

He does need to be included.

Reminds me of a sibling of mine who kept asking what to get DD and I gave very simple suggestions e.g. toy doll, books, dress etc and said just not shoes as I have literally got her so many as I never get the size right and I end up keeping them for her to grow into. Guess what, sibling decided to get her not one but two pairs. One pair of were too small and the other occasion shoes she will very likely not be needing. I still struggle to understand why. I think your MIL is just not a very nice person imo, next time don’t give any suggestions at all.

You sound horribly ungrateful.

It won’t hurt your child not to get every single toy they ever ask for, actually it’ll be good for them to learn that can sometimes happen.

A book is a nice gift, and one he can grow into.

You’re teaching your child to be as ungrateful as you are, it’s not a pleasant trait.

Ordering people around about what gifts to buy and then complaining about them may well lead to no gifts whatsoever.

For lots of kids esp if they only ask for 2 things, would be disappointed not to get the two things they'd asked for on the day.

Why disappoint a child on their birthday?

Admittedly if I was Op I'd either return the other things I'd bought or depending on what they are put them aside for Christmas and make sure he had the two toys he actually wanted.

And make note to self never give Granny one off the top ideas.

YANBU, we have relatives who do this all the time. They also buy a cheaper version of whatever we ask for, despite the one we requested easily being within the budget they've told us. They then get annoyed when DS doesn't play with it because it's the wrong size to work with his other toys in that range, it breaks within a few hours etc.

We've given up letting them buy anything that's important to DS. I usually refuse to give a list and just give very generic ideas. If they insist, they get a list of small, cheap things fits my son will like but isn't too fussed about.

Annoying op but probably unintentional. At least you know now. Stick to vague suggestions like new books or craft stuff. And get the stuff he really wants yourself.

Could you put away a couple of the things he got from you for Xmas and get him it?

What's the point of gifts to "grow into" esp if its 3 years above the kids reading age?

That probably indicates that the story is to long, to advanced for the child to even have it as a bed time story.

Children can be easily put of books if they are too advanced and therefore boring.
Same as toys kids need toys and books that are age and stage appropriate

A book 3 years ahead of his reading level? hardly a gift is it?
What next pair of shoes for his first job interview?

Fine to get something else but you need to be clear that’s what you’re doing and not mislead people. The issue here is not the gist but the fact that the MIL led OP to believe she was biting A and then bought B- it’s like she deliberately gone out of her way to ensure he didn’t get one of the two gifts he asked for.

You're not unreasonable. I've had this same scenario happen where my son didn't get something because someone said they were giving it but then gave something else. Now, when that person asks for ideas, I vaguely mention what the kids like (like Paw Patrol or "dogs") or, more often, I pretend to think about it and then deliberately get distracted with a task or change the subject.

A book above his reading level is surely still a book and one that can be read to him by one of his parents though. Books are always great presents. Even if they are old enough to read books (for their reading level) they should still be being read to as well.

I agree that if she asked for a suggestion the ones was really on the parent to check whether she was going to get that or not.

I am wondering why the need to expressly refer to your own mum and whether it's just yet another my MIL is so evil thread.

If you can’t unwrap and return any of the gifts and get him what he wants. Do that.

don’t put new things on your mental load “he hasn’t really got a list, I’m sure whatever you pick will be fine.”