MIL ignored gift idea

[Memo88]

It’s My DS’s birthday at the weekend, he asked for two new toys on his birthday list.

My side of the family are very generous with gifts, and I love the whole process of spoiling people for their birthday. My mum asked what DS wanted so I suggested one of the birthday list gifts which she got along with a couple of other bits. MIL asked what DS would like and the other toy was within the budget she gave so I suggested that - then DS would get both asked for toys and there’s no favouritism between sides.

In the meantime I’ve thought of and bought gifts from us and his younger brother, all sorted.

Or so I thought, MIL has decided DS doesn’t need / she doesn’t want to buy another plastic toy so she’s going to get a book which is 3 years above his reading level for him 🙄.

I’m so annoyed that DS now won’t get the only two toys he’s actually asked for, because my judgemental MIL thinks he has enough toys. AIBU to tell her no the next time she inevitably asks for a suggestion?

Thank you! I was looking for a comment like this. I find it crazy that people are so indignant over their kids not getting exactly the presents they want.

You're raising spoiled brats, surely, or at the very least sending the wrong message about consumerism. The perfect present will not make you happy long term.

Kids have to learn that they can't always get everything they want and it won't kill them to have one not-so-great present in a pile.

Can’t you just buy it yourself. Why be so petty ?

how awful. I hope your DS's birthday isn't totally ruined by not getting another piece of plastic!

Mrandma and aunt do this. They buy the cheapest thing or something i would never use (like earring when i dont have pierced ears). I used amazon wishlist and gave it to everyone. When someone buys it then it disappears from the list. This worked for my grandma, not my aunt. I either regifted or gave to the charity shop.

I know my mum used the tactic of buying the presents for them. Here are your presents to give. You owe me this much money.

Is it the case that the present you suggested was " too expensive". Some people are just cheapskates. My aunt would always pick the cheapest present and complain if its over £10 and she has loads of money

Never give your best suggestions to relatives unless you know they are reliable. Learnt that the hard way.

I tend to give vague 'in the general ballpark of things the kids like' as suggestions unless I know it is someone who wants to and will buy the specific thing requested and has given a specific budget etc. sort of 'oh, they're really into Octonauts and quite like jigsaws at the moment.' type thing.

This.

We were never asked to make lists growing up. We got what people chose to provide for us. It just seems so grabby to train kids that they are hard done by if their explicit lists and expectations are not fulfilled.

Its not ungrateful at all. OP would have been perfectly happy if their MIL had not asked for a gift suggestion. But the MIL did ask for a suggestion, and let the OP think that they were buying it, then bought something that won't be used for another three years. At the same time, OP would have bought the thing herself, but bought something else because MIL had implied she'd get it. So both of them have wasted time and money!
If MIL didn't want to buy plastic toys, she should have just said so at the outset.
We don't do gift lists but it really annoys me when people give DC something that they wouldn't use, because it is really wasteful. TBF, usually my family run their ideas past me first because they don't want to waste their money either.

@Memo88

My side of the family are very generous with gifts, and I love the whole process of spoiling people for their birthday.

Your MIL probably thinks DS has enough toys for now and will benefit more in the longer term from a proper story book and being read to and then learning to read by himself.

Not sure what’s so awful about that?

Just because you’re used to your family doing things in a particular way doesn’t mean that your DH’s family must be wrong. There are plenty of families that don’t view the ‘buying lots of stuff’ as a demonstration of love, because obviously, it isn’t.

How old is the child and what was the book?

I wonder if people would still think MIL was in the right if the gift choice had been reversed- i.e. the DC asked for a book and MiL bought a toy instead.

Some of these responses seem to be more about gift snobbery than the actual present itself, so a book is an amazing gift that every DC should be delighted to receive rather than "plastic tat" aka a toy that the DC actually wants.

DF did a bit of this when DS was young. Bought him a copy of Treasure Island when he as about 5 and repeatedly kept asking if it had been read to him/if he had read it NB DGF had zero intention of reading it to him himself. I did suggest some more accessible books if his aim was to get DS to read more, but no the only acceptable one was what DGF had read when he was young. Gifts like this are more about the giver than the receiver.

I think as a society we have gone off the deep end when it comes to buying toys for kids. Research shows fewer toys is actually better for child development.

Getting gifts from parents makes sense but not every single family member needs to buy something.

https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/singletons/201712/study-underscores-why-fewer-toys-is-the-better-option

If you want your children to have specific toys that they have requested then you need to buy them.

It saves disappointment all round. You know the gifts are correct, your child will be happy and all other gifts are just extra bonuses.

My in laws are like this, although they tend to send presents weeks (sometimes months) late, and sometimes not at all. I give themed suggestions rather than specifics, like “DD loves fairies, so maybe books/stationery/games about fairies” and then just leave them to it. Could you try that?

I also think it’s a good idea to train your kids not to expect anything from in laws if they’re unpredictable - my kids are never bothered when things arrive late or not at all, because I’ve always done a breezy “ah you know what gran and grandad are like, never mind” (whilst privately imagining throwing them off a pier).

One toy and a book sounds completely appropriate, particularly as you’ve stayed be has multiple other gifts.
A book 3 years above his reading level sounds fine too, better to buy ahead than behind and you can read it together.

It's just a communication and different families having different normals issue. You and your family are not objectively right.

My DHs family are like yours, they want an exact brief and just buy it, gift giving is functional. My family like looking around and finding things for people, things they might not have asked for or I might not have thought of getting. Both ways are fine.

So in future: your family asks - give specifics
His family asks: "DS is really into dinosaurs/football/crafts just now," so she can work with it, but the fun of buying gifts isn't removed for her.

Don't try and force your way on her, one person's efficient is another's joyless.

What a horrible thing to say in front of your children. Imagine if the grandparents did the same when you e.g. tell your children to tidy their rooms or whatever? Said stuff like "ah you know what mum is like, never mind". It's encouraging disrespect and dismissiveness.

It's not a horrible thing to say at all!

The lesson is too never ask your PIL to get anything important.
Having done this a couple of times I used to try and think of other random stuff they could get the dc, so dc always got what they'd asked for.

It’s not grabby. It avoids the giver wasting their money / efforts if their present is so “perfect” likely the recipient already has one.

Absolutely not unreasonable to say you won't give suggestions in future. There is no reason why you should do all the work for all the relatives.
Your MiL presumably has the opportunity to spend time with Ds and find out what kind of thing he likes?

My dh does the suggestions when his parents ask most of the time. My mental load is quite enough thank you! I really appreciate that my parents might check something with me but they don’t expect us to think of all the presents everyone gives our child.

im afraid i'll get branded here.. but if you sound very ungrateful and you are setting up your DC to be the same. you are teaching them that they can have exactly what they want and if they don't get it they kick up a stink!

birthday gifts are just that, gifts.. not orders and sometimes in life we have to deal with disappointment.

DH is the opposite, if one of my grandchildren asked for something he'd find about 50 versions and panic over which one. For Christmas I asked for something from Tatty Devine he bagged me for ages about being more specific.

Well said, @thursdaymurderclub