MIL ignored gift idea

[Memo88]

It’s My DS’s birthday at the weekend, he asked for two new toys on his birthday list.

My side of the family are very generous with gifts, and I love the whole process of spoiling people for their birthday. My mum asked what DS wanted so I suggested one of the birthday list gifts which she got along with a couple of other bits. MIL asked what DS would like and the other toy was within the budget she gave so I suggested that - then DS would get both asked for toys and there’s no favouritism between sides.

In the meantime I’ve thought of and bought gifts from us and his younger brother, all sorted.

Or so I thought, MIL has decided DS doesn’t need / she doesn’t want to buy another plastic toy so she’s going to get a book which is 3 years above his reading level for him 🙄.

I’m so annoyed that DS now won’t get the only two toys he’s actually asked for, because my judgemental MIL thinks he has enough toys. AIBU to tell her no the next time she inevitably asks for a suggestion?

Op your mil sounds pompous and judgemental, I feel she is deliberately making a point here.

Lots of people don't have endless space for presents or books that can't be used yet.

Lists mean stuff won't get wasted and it's useful in the house.
Then child will definitely enjoy it and like it isn't that the point?
I will certainly be aksing my dc what they will like the gc and I can always give something else in addition or put money away which is the best thing.
Op I would let this slide but be honest if she asked "does x like the book"?
Well it's too advanced and we don't have the space so it's in the charity shop, hopefully it will give a child somewhere joy.

@Coughsweet
I agree, all the virtuous types with oh no plastic, a book he can't read for years is wonderful!
Love to see their xmas; only educational toys and books allowed and boasting we spend thruppence per child!

The kid asked for 2 things, it's not exactly a huge list of stuff.

Why buy a book that would make a lovely gift in 3 years time and might actually be appreciated at that point in time?

It's like someone buying you an old lady head scarf or perfume - you'll grow into it!

Kids don't always ask for £££ gifts.

We don't know how old the child is but Im assume quiet young, 5/6 it could easily be a Paw Patrol truck or some other collectable, small Lego kit or something at £10-15.

If she's bought a fancy copy of a children's classic they are usually about £12.

Just because you’re used to your family doing things in a particular way doesn’t mean that your DH’s family must be wrong. There are plenty of families that don’t view the ‘buying lots of stuff’ as a demonstration of love,

This. And it's where the whole in law thing gets unreasonable. No-one can expect their in-laws to be clones of their own parents and siblings. And an in law who expected their DIL to be a clone of their own children would also be unreasonable.

To be honest, I was very lucky that my in-laws WEREN'T clones of my own family, and were wonderful.

The whole present giving thing varies hugely among families. We had one very disappointing Christmas morning when we travelled abroad to spend Christmas with extended family, taking generous gifts and getting socks in return! Those relatives are wonderful people and gave us a great holiday. They just weren't big on gift giving, but they were big on generosity of spirit.

For a lot of women on here breathing in and out is a 'mental load'! In a few years this child will may be wanting a couple of £500 each presents, will the OP still be wanting him to have everything he asks for? Children need to learn they can't have all they want!

OP, I understand exactly where you are coming from. My mother always wanted to be first dibs with out children’s ideas, but when it came to it she always tried to get a cheaper version because she didn’t want to spend much money. She had plenty of money and always spent at least 3 times as much on her other grandchildren. My lovely MIL was quite the opposite and would go out of her way to get our children wonderful presents. In the end I stopped giving my mum ideas and used them for myself or MIL. Once my Mum looked at a present I bought and said that she could have bought it. I replied that no she would have got a cheaper version.

Yep, it's a little annoying but at least you can learn from this. In future make sure you buy him the toys he really wants and let MIL choose her own.

You’ve just made this up to get annoyed about it. Have you nothing better to do?

It's called managing expectations doesn't matter what kids are asking for if it's beyond limits (money, too big, no garden, animals) then you have to tell kids in advance it's not happening.

But it doesn't sound like these gifts were beyond limits.
"Sorry Darling your not going to get your toy because Granny thinks a book is better" Is totally different to "Sorry no you cannot get an new Xbox and a UCS £500 Lego set, far too expensive"

@Sugarcoldturkey "What a horrible thing to say in front of your children. Imagine if the grandparents did the same when you e.g. tell your children to tidy their rooms or whatever? Said stuff like "ah you know what mum is like, never mind". It's encouraging disrespect and dismissiveness"

What would your alternative be? Be honest and say - I'm sorry but they don't seem to care enough to make sure their grandchildren get a birthday gift on time ... surely that would be worse!

Yeah, because a child's birthday is really a great time to teach them a moral lesson, isn't it? Everyone knows that being sensible and abstemious is the most important thing about a small child's birthday. Probably ought to give him steamed broccoli instead of a cake as well.

That's what birthdays are all about, eh? Being given something you didn't want and can't use for three years by someone who would rather see you learn a life lesson than have fun on the one day a year that's about you.

You've literally invented a scenario that hasn't happened, just to get angry about it.

It's a lovely day today. Go and get some fresh air, eh?

Totally get you OP.

when my son was just turning 5 he was desperate for a hula hoop - loved playing with them at play centre and begged for one to have at home.

Fully intended buying him one for his upcoming birthday - when MIL asked for any ideas… I said out of his earshot that he was totally in love with the hoola hoop at play centre, told her how obsessed he was with them etc and that he really really would love one. She seemed really enthused by the idea and said she’d get one.

but on his birthday she didn’t get it - he was thankful and polite (taught him well) with the cars she got him but not overly enthused about them as not really his thing at the time.

couple of weeks later she came over and kept trying to get him to play with ‘the cars granny got you’ but he wasn’t that interested. He was playing nonstop however with the hoop that we’d got him after his birthday (taking him to toy shop to spend one birthday money) .

she was really put out that he wasn’t playing with the cars but was obsessed with the hoop… what can you do?

present giving with her was always about what she wanted - not listening to what he would like…

I learnt not to give specific ideas after that and if asked by her for ideas - kept it vague with ‘he’s really into dinosaurs, water play, Tweenies, Bob the builder etc…’

I genuinely tried here to give her the ‘best’ idea that time - it might not have seemed it - but anyone knowing my lad knows that once his mind and heart is set on something - he really knows what he likes!!! She really knew this about him too.

Easier all around - to make sure I got him what he asked for.

Mine were never kids who came up with lists of 30 items for their birthday - most of the things they wanted weren’t even expensive (think the hoop was about£5 at the time) but it was exactly what they really wanted!

my lad is autistic if I could get the 1 or 2 things that they really wanted for their birthday - I did.

No more specific ideas to relatives - only themes all the way!

A minor annoyance. Not worth getting any knickers in a twist about this.

Thank you for everyone’s replies (even those slightly too keen on extrapolating my OP to insinuate my children are constantly spoilt brats and I’m a bit of a mental load snowflake 😂).

I really appreciate the messages of support having had similar experiences. Lesson learnt, let DH give vague themes of what the kids are into for MIL and keep specific requests for us!

I’m surprised at responses that think a list is grabby, particularly when there are only two (not hugely expensive) toys on said list. Having a list makes sense to me so they get what they want and people don’t waste money of unwanted gifts 🤷🏼‍♀️ It’s going to be a shame for MIL when DS politely thanks her for the book, looks a bit confused and then puts it on the side to play with the toy he asked for.

I don’t think I’ll be using the various suggestions of using their birthdays to teach the kids the disappointment that life can be, there’s a time and a place, particularly when they really haven’t asked for much!

And I do agree that this is not a huge issue, just a frustration I wanted to vent without causing upset IRL

I have this "I'm really practical so i give money) no you are thoughtless, selfish and lazy - like the time you asked your grandchild if she wanted a very fancy Easter egg from Marks and then not only didn't get that egg, didn't get her any egg at all and just said - I didn't get you an egg. Who does that to a child.

It’s not a horrible thing to say at all, it’s better that kids learn not to place so much emphasis on presents and thinking they’ll always get everything they put on a list.

It’s actually good for kids to learn that sometimes that’s life, and not to be so demanding and ungrateful.

Oh you’re one of those people who go and look up the value of presents and complain if someone’s not spent enough? Not a great lesson to teach kids to be so materialistic.

It’s going to be a shame for MIL when DS politely thanks her for the book, looks a bit confused and then puts it on the side to play with the toy he asked for.

And then she'll get annoyed, she'll criticize the child, and she'll blame everyone else for the other grandma being the favourite one etc etc etc

YANBU

This. We find the same.

Save your gift for xmas and buy it for him yourself.

i would further go on to add from my comment that if you so desperately need your DC to have certain things, then perhaps buy them yourself so you know they have them and let GP make their won choices

YANBU

We tell family what would be good because we only see them a few times a year and gifts our boys have received in the past have been things that were way too young for them or they outgrew.

The kids are still surprised regardless and I rather not have the extra clutter and have to also get rid of gifts. I’m currently decluttering now and it is a pita.

It is vouchers now to soft plays and other kid events which they enjoy unless they have asked for something very specific.

If you've asked someone what shall I get then that's kind of like an 'order'..your words not mine. Asking someone for a suggestion to me would be asking for something for yourself ..