MIL ignored gift idea

[Memo88]

It’s My DS’s birthday at the weekend, he asked for two new toys on his birthday list.

My side of the family are very generous with gifts, and I love the whole process of spoiling people for their birthday. My mum asked what DS wanted so I suggested one of the birthday list gifts which she got along with a couple of other bits. MIL asked what DS would like and the other toy was within the budget she gave so I suggested that - then DS would get both asked for toys and there’s no favouritism between sides.

In the meantime I’ve thought of and bought gifts from us and his younger brother, all sorted.

Or so I thought, MIL has decided DS doesn’t need / she doesn’t want to buy another plastic toy so she’s going to get a book which is 3 years above his reading level for him 🙄.

I’m so annoyed that DS now won’t get the only two toys he’s actually asked for, because my judgemental MIL thinks he has enough toys. AIBU to tell her no the next time she inevitably asks for a suggestion?

I think you should be grateful she's getting him anything at all. You sound very entitled, she's buying it so it's her decision if she wants to give him what you suggested or what she wants to get him.
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Yes but often it's the adult with no manners.

Granny buys book that is too hard to read or duplicate present. DC says thank you granny for the lovely present. Granny repeatedly asks DC if they played with it or if Mummy has bothered to read it to you yet, DC is allowed not to lie or keep perpetuating the myth.

It's bit like when visiting DGPs, DS was quite fussy food wise when younger, I taught him to say something like "it looks lovely but I am quite full thanks " but DGF kept pushing and spooning food on his plate when he had already politely declined, then getting arsey when DS didn't eat it.

Your child will survive. Plenty get no presents yet here you are on SM complaining your Mil has chosen not to buy your suggestion but make her own choice. I mean, how bloody dare she !

I wonder how superior you are with buying other products.

do you eat/buy chocolate, bread, butter, drink coke, shop at Tescos, Asda, H&M, Nike, Adidas, do you smoke drink alcohol, wear makeup and much more. All these have an adverse impact in the environment some use palm oil by destroying swathes of forests, killing animals, are unethical in many ways from tax avoidance to employment abuse, some still use child Labour, hope your enjoying your kitkat as nestle and kitkats one of the UKs favourite chocolate bars is one of the worse!

We live in an imperfect world, if we are going to get on our high horses about plastic, we should be looking at all aspects of our behaviours.

And, most importantly not all plastic is unsustainable, single use plastic yes I agree should be demolished but plenty of plastic toys are far more sustainable than books or wooden toys,

Mumsnet is not social media, the Dmil is none the wiser about OPs complaints, what with this being an anonymous forum.

It's not like she has gone on FB and complained about it there.

Why isn't her son on the case ?

"Mum you asked what DS would like, we assumed you would get it so gave other people different suggestions. What's with the book that is too advanced for him ?
Next time please don't bother to ask us."

It's not me being antsy about my MiL not buying a present I said she should get for my DC, and then she got something else. I just pointed out that plastics are made from oil - the stuff that comes out of the ground, not sunflower oil etc.
You have pushed a barrel-load of accusations at me about my shopping habits, which, frankly are none of your affair. As it happens I avoid plastics and recycle in shedloads - my house is full of recycled furniture, though I prefer to call most of it Victoriana, some collectibles and some antiques. Ditto, clothing.
And news for you, wood, which is a renewable resource, and books made from paper (which lasts centuries and is also much more biodegradable than any plastic) are much more sustainable than plastics produced by the finite resource of oil. Oil is a finite resource that the planet cannot replace except over thousands of millennia. Every tree cut down for wooden toys/paper can have a replacement planted and if it's pine, will be full size in a generation. You do have some misconceptions about sustainability.
NB I never knowingly buy anything produced by Nestle, since long ago (80s) I pledged not to do so as the company unethically gave free baby milk to mothers in third world hospitals, implying it was better - because modern - than their own milk, and they could leave baby with someone else etc. This led to baby deaths because of the cost of the product for the mothers, once they had finished the free samples, and thus had their milk stop, and also because of the lack of access to clean water and properly sterilized bottles. So, no I do not enjoy either Kitkat (since taken over by Nestles) or any other of their chocolate products.

She probably thought there would be more than one gift on the list to choose from. Its her money, she doesn't have to spend her money on something she doesn't want to gift. There was 2 items, mum and dad could easily have got those for him. But no its all grandmas fault.

So annoying my MIL used to do this and I'd spend lots of time online looking for things my kids would like and send her a list and then she wouldn't get anything off it and go totally rogue and get inappropriate things the kids wouldn't like/use or were huge and we didn't have room for (6ft teddies for both kids one christmas brilliant 🙄) I started asking her to make sure she got a gift receipt which she did once but after that never did. Despite me telling her to stop buying my daughter clothes (shes nearly 14) as she likes to choose her own and basically never likes what my MIL chooses for her - she still goes ahead and buys clothes she literally just ignores whatever I say even though I'm saying it to stop her wasting her money!! I end up having to either trying to sell them on vinted which I really don't have the time for or taking brand new clothes to the charity shop now I'm just honest and say theres no point in asking me as you'll do whatever you want anyway regardless so she doesn't ask anymore far less stressful but I still end up with the unwanted clothes situation..

I'd have my daughter wear the clothes. Does she think money grows on trees? Do you let DD buy whatever she likes, even if it's inappropriate?

So you'd punish a 14yo because some one buys them something they don’t like as if it’s her fault the money is being wasted even though the person wasting money and buying the clothes has been told it’s a waste of money!

You really do sound like “that” MIL

Of course you're nbu. It doesn't have to be the worst thing ever to have happened for someone to be justifiably annoyed. She should have let you know she wasn't taking your suggestion sooner, that's it.

Not a chance either I'd make my kid wear clothes someone else bought her. Money must be growing on trees for people to buy a personal item like teenage clothing without knowing what they'd like. That's not the kids fault.

I am not 'that' MiL. But if someone gives my DCs clothes then they wear them, even if only in the house whilst doing their homework. A gift is a gift. To receive one, whatever it is and whether you like it or not, is a privilege and the giver deserves both thanks and respect, for spending their time and their money buying what they think you might like. No-one on here appears to have any manners.

The giver deserves thanks and respect for intentionally spending and wasting money and time on buying something they have been told that the reviver dose not like or want. And the recipient has to be greatful for the lack of respect shown to them 🤦‍♀️ How about the giver gives the recipient respect by actually buying them something they actually want and will be great full for?

See, no manners.
Perhaps if the relationship with said MiL were better then there would not be a constant friction over gifts. Many older people do not like to give money as a gift, for example, because they think it is mercenary. It also ups the price of the gift, of course, since the giver is now worried they will appear mean.

Should have added, @AliceMcK that respect has to be earned.

Fgs children have to learn they don't get everything they want.
At least she bought a present. If not you'd have had another problem to share

I think many people in the comment section are clueless to how gift giving works especially with a child looking forward to something special. MIL sounds like a piece of work tbh, something my MIL would do. Totally understandable if MIL thought of the gift herself and gave it the child but she asked OP what can she get her son and OP responded with what her child wanted. Why is that so hard! Like others have said I would suggest money next time MIL asks what to get.

I always give my older GC money so that they can get what they want. Even if my DIL did tell me what they want I'd probably get the wrong version or somebody else would get it too. My younger GC get exactly what my DD tells me to get for them, plus a surprise.

Buy your child what he wants and, in future, dont involve MIL. Let her make her judgments and leave her to buy whatever shit she wants. Don’t empower the dickheads in your life.

What and how exactly are you achieving that?

Neither of my kids have mountains of clothing, but it's incredibly easy for stuff they don't like to lie at the bottom of a drawer until they've out grown it.

If your child asked for TWO items, would you wait for them to be disappointed or either the Birthday or Christmas day to find out they weren't getting on of the said items?
And they were getting a bundle of other stuff they didn't want instead?

There was a similar post on here a while ago. I agree with you and I’d be fuming, I mean, what’s the point in asking what to buy then go and buy something completely different. I had a friend who had the same problem. I think it’s basically a control issue by the MIL - she wants to control what your child has and upset you at the same time. Tell her not to bother buying anything in future unless she’s willing to get something you suggest (you could make it sound better by saying it’s to avoid duplication).

What a load of rubbish, no manners, why because people are not teaching their children to be fake and accept thoughtless shellfish gifts. As for older people not wanting to give money, my Nan was giving me money back in the 80s when she was in her 80s as she understood it would be better and nicer for me to buy something I actually wanted. Not that I don’t still have the 38year old tattered address book she gave me for no other reason it was from my Nan. She’d be rolling her eyes at me for keeping it so long as it would just be clutter in her eyes.

You keep going on about selfish, ungrateful and no manners but your only thinking of the recipients behaviour, a child, which we do not know anything about, not the selfish behaviour of the giver, the grandmother who went out and ignored a gift idea her grandchild wanted and bought something completely inappropriate for her own selfish reasons.

And who said there was constant friction, the op has posted about 1 incident.