MIL ignored gift idea

[Memo88]

It’s My DS’s birthday at the weekend, he asked for two new toys on his birthday list.

My side of the family are very generous with gifts, and I love the whole process of spoiling people for their birthday. My mum asked what DS wanted so I suggested one of the birthday list gifts which she got along with a couple of other bits. MIL asked what DS would like and the other toy was within the budget she gave so I suggested that - then DS would get both asked for toys and there’s no favouritism between sides.

In the meantime I’ve thought of and bought gifts from us and his younger brother, all sorted.

Or so I thought, MIL has decided DS doesn’t need / she doesn’t want to buy another plastic toy so she’s going to get a book which is 3 years above his reading level for him 🙄.

I’m so annoyed that DS now won’t get the only two toys he’s actually asked for, because my judgemental MIL thinks he has enough toys. AIBU to tell her no the next time she inevitably asks for a suggestion?

I think you are ridiculous

It was just a suggestion and not compulsory. Why not use the book as his bedtime one?

A lot of people think books are great presents, period. They aren’t necessarily. My children hated it if they’d got yet another book. Yes, they said thank you, but never looked at it again. They wanted to choose their own books!

I have the opposite problem. My mother, when asked what she wants for her birthday will say the same thing to everyone. It's annoying, when I have spent money on something to find that my brother has bought the same thing!.
I don't know what the answer is though!.
Ideas anyone?

If the book is 3 years over reading age it's probably some sort of children's classic novel. Which means even as a bedtime story it's not going to hold a young child's attention span. Therefore you risk it being written off as 'boring' and its hard to then pick it up in 3 years time and get excited about it, if it's already classed as boring!

Reading always seems to held as some sort of worthy hobby more than playing with toys.
Children need a balance in their life. Mix of age and stage appropate toys and books

Ops not been back for days
But I can totally see her frustration at getting given a book that is essentially cupboard clutter when she gave away the kids TWO requests.
It wasn't a massive list. One of those things skipped will be disappointing for the child.
Why would anyone want to disappoint a child on their birthday?
People keep repeating the same stuff 'not good for kids to get everything they ask for'
But I can't see the logic in giving them random stuff they don't want or need just to prove a point of it not being good to give kids everything they want.

You co-ordinate with your brother. I always co-ordinate with my brother for our parents.
Mum says she wants x can we get it between us and get a surprise to go with it

We don’t know what the book is so don’t make problems for the sake of it. Seems child did receive a mix so no issue. The op from her post takes it very importantly. That’s fine but it’s important to model gracious .

Very few DCs want books as presents unless they are perhaps beautifully illustrated or specifically requested.

If DCs are already reading books or having them read to them, they would probably prefer to choose their own so a book token at least allows them that.

Adults like to give books as worthy presents. My friend had a spate of giving me books usually ones in the vein of women moving to Tuscany as divorcee and rediscovering themselves. I would of course say thank you but I never read them as I prefer to choose my own reading material.

I think a list of reasonable priced gifts that a child would love is a great idea.
As are gift cards/money for a gift to be chosen.
When my children were small and we had lots of parties, vouchers were preferred and so convient as you could buy multiples in advance and were never caught out.
The children were able to put a substantial pot towards a big ticket item, even if £10 was the max given. Far better that loads of presents they had zero interest in.
It was the class rep parent who suggested it and everyone was very happy. During the recession years it was £5.

Absolutely agree.

My best friend a self proclaimed wall flower who spent her entire childhood with her head in books, all “classics” has given my DD numerous books, starting from her 1st birthday. My DD is now 12 and has not once picked one of those books up. She will reluctantly read school books, because she’s the type of child who follows the rules and dosnt want to be penalised for not reading the material but she absolutely dose not enjoy it. Her preferred “fun” reading is fantasy and science fiction which she loves and will ask for certain books.

My youngest absolutely loves all kind of books and every time we are near a charity shop will ask for a new book. She loves a good bedtime story but picks what she wants every night. She also chooses if she reads it or if we do. Again we have a multitude of books to choose from but she chooses what she wants as a bedtime story. Why would we read something 3 years above her reading ability, that would mean reading a book designed for 10yos to a 7yo 🤷‍♀️

i never read a book until I was an adult, I couldn’t I was what was considered lazy and stupid by my teachers when in fact I was severely dyslexic, I didn’t have parents who thought reading to children was something parents did. One of my parents could barely read or write anyway. What I did have was a fantastic imagination even without books as I played and made my own stories up. And I survived, eventually having a successful career that involved lots of reading and writing and I also did a creative writing course just for fun.

I fully understand reading to children is good and encouraging them to read, but I don’t think books are the bee all and end all like many posters think. My middle DD struggles with reading, is below where she needs to be. She’s been flagged as possibly autistic. We don’t force her to read, she has books we encourage but doing the basic school reading is enough for us. We don’t want her to feel reading is a punishment. She has lots of amazing qualities and talents and has a fantastic imagination, all gained without reading. She’s excelling in other areas, loves art has her own art station and has a lot of artistic talent. She knows she’s behind in reading and writing, she’s working on her writing and knows she has our support which I think is far more important.

And birthdays should 100% be about a child having what they want as gifts.

@AliceMcK totally agree, if the birthday/ Christmas requests are within reason kids should get what they ask for.

Obviously some requests need to be bopped on the head, pony's, Sindy / Barbie mansions, thing that are too old, too babyish etc but you don't wait for Birthday child to be opening their gifts to find out they aren't getting what they wanted

The only thing I can say in Grannies defence is she at least gave Op the chance to rectify the situation.

Op if you are still reading what was the toy and the book?
And did you cave and get the toy?

“Some need to be bopped on the head… Sindy/ Barbie mansions…”

Try stopping them! 😀. DS and wife take great pains to encourage positive gender equality, kindness etc. My 5 yr old GD plays being a doctor and lives her books about successful women but wild horses wouldn’t keep her away from
princesses, dolls, sparkles and castles.
3 yr old GS loves his doll and pram 😀 but spends most of his time crashing his cars and trying to have sword fights with anyone who will join in.
This is a light hearted response to your post AliceMcK. 🌺

OP refers to her family as 'generous' then compares MiL's actions. Suggests friction.
A gift is an expression of someone else spending time and money on trying to please you. Granparents do not have to follow gift suggestions for DGC - they may find something that they think the DC will like that neither DC nor their parents have seen/come across/thought of.
I almost always buy books for DGC - unless specifically asked to get something else. Recent present to DGD - 1 large and 1 small canvas, spray paints, money. The spray paints and money were suggested by DS, the canvases were what I said to him I could give, and he agreed they would be good (DGD paints). We have a good relationship, ditto DSS and DD. Have recently discussed presents for my step-great-grandson's birthday, saying I had seen some particular books for boys I thought he might like; on DDiL saying they might be good, I bought them and will keep them till the birthday (Dec), adding something else (probably money) later on (I am following wishes of my late DH that his GGC be encouraged to read btw). This is all reasonable behaviour engendered by good relationships. That OP's MiL disregarded her suggestion for a present (for unknown reasons, maybe she saw the book and thought it a good one - we only have OP's word it was 3 years above her child's reading age, whatever that actually means - maybe she found she had less to spend on her DGC's present than she thought and was embarrassed to say so) may suggest a slightly fraught relationship.

I never give children books as birthday or christmas presents. Although I was an avid reader I didn't like receive them, children are entitled to be particular about what they read and prefer more interesting presents I think.
Every few months we take our two youngest GC to a large bookshop and let them loose to choose something. GS is predictable and likes story books about dinosaurs and building, but GD revealed that she preferred non-fiction and was really delighted with a Guiness book of records. We'd never have known this unless we'd taken her to the bookshop.

I also took my DCs to bookshops to choose books (as did their DGM, their DA's and DF), also weekly to the library to choose - from which choices I could gauge what I should buy to increase their own bookshelf. My DC's favourite book was a cheap pop-up of Aladdin, from Tescoes - it was mostly selotape before he grew out of it, and it remained on his bookshelf for years.

I liked receiving books as presents as a child, so did my DCs. My step-grandson was extremely happy with Winnie the Witch books for his DD (3-4) and she has asked for more of them. My DCs (now adults) like books as presents and routinely give them to me, their DF and my (now late) DH.
I also have a rule of thumb about presents - is it square/rectangular and easy to wrap?
Books fulfill that rule well.
NB I do not only give books.

if she asks again suggest a money gift telling her he wants to go shopping to pick his own presents. That way he'll be able to buy what he really wants.