Conversations around race with your partner

[ireallyneedsuppport]

NC for obvious reasons

I'm in an interracial relationship and struggling with DH's reactions to racist incidents.

Recently, a member of his family used a horrible racial slur during an altercation. Instead of being disgusted, my husband's initial reaction was to say the other person "shouldn't have started it" and that if you provoke someone, you should expect them to try to hurt you and that see, you're hurt clearly it worked to try and get to them with the racial slur.

I had to push hard for him to finally acknowledge that what his family member did was horrible. What's even more troubling is that this family member has dated people of color in the past.

This isn't an isolated incident. Whenever there's an issue regarding race, my husband tends to minimise it instead of showing sympathy for the victim. He often sides with or makes excuses for people who have said or done racist things. When we discuss, it always ends in an argument.

As a person of color myself, I find his reactions deeply upsetting and hurtful. It makes me feel unsupported and invalidated in our relationship. I'm not sure how to address this ongoing issue with him or if it's even possible to change his perspective.

Has anyone dealt with a similar situation in an interracial relationship? How did you handle it? Any advice on how to approach this with my husband would be appreciated.

Was he like this before you got married?

I am also in an interracial relationship (I'm Asian husband is white) but I don't know how to advise because I would not have married him if he'd given hints that he was like this.

Saying offensive things is of course wrong. But during altercations people do say and do things they shouldn't. Did the other party start an altercation, did they say or do something that could be considered offensive? Two wrongs may not make a right but I agree to a certain extent with your husband.

@Middlepart there's been other issues of a similar nature, it isn't an isolated event.

@ATenShun yes the other person was offensive first.

If you knew he was like this before you married and I'm sorry but I'm not sure why you thought it would magically resolve itself.

Have you talked to him about racism you have experienced? How dehumanising it is to be just seen for your race?

Do you have children? If they are visibly none white does he understand that someday, his children will hear racial slurs from their own family.

There are a million offensive things you can say to someone without bringing race into it. Racial slurs, at least in my family, are just totally unacceptable. End of, no exceptions, and I don't think there's any in between. You either think they are unacceptable always or or you make excuses for racist behaviour.

If he's never experienced racism then he's got no idea why you're upset. He has no understanding of his privilege or microaggessions you may experience which is why he's brushing it away. In a similar way to men who brush off descriptions of sexism and misogyny and deny it happens.

Keep away from people who use racist terms and make it clear to him that you won't tolerate it.

It's never ok to make racist remarks no matter who 'started it', what a childish and offensive thing to say.
Your husband is making excuses for a racist when he should be telling them to stfu.

I dumped a bloke who was like that. Someone who minimises or ignores blatant racism is clearly nasty. DUMP.

@Middlepart yes done all of it. Spoken at length, asked him to read books, read him extracts from books, googled articles and sent to him...he just says he isn't as motivated about race as I am!?

Well then he's said fairly clearly that he doesn't think racism is too bad at all. Sounds like he is not interested in changing his mind on this.

The question for you is whether you want to stay married to someone with these views?

@SeeSeeRider do you mind me asking are white?

How do determine which offensive things are ok and which are not?

Would it be ok to use someones weight to offend? What about looks? Body shape?

All these are used by people of all ethnicities and have ability to cause upset in the person they are directed to. As the OP said the other party was offensive first. Should that be ok, but throwing an insult back not?

@SeeSeeRider I mean are you white?

@ATenShun the slight difference is the first insult was about an individual, a racial Insult targets an entire group.

What was the insult?

People say things in the heat of the moment therefore it would indicate to me that the person has racist beliefs. There’s zero excuse for racism, absolutely none.

@ThisNoisyTealLurker yes exactly that. There must be some deep rooted racist beliefs for you to even consider mentioning race in an altercation

As you didn't tell us what the insult given by the first person was, I'll use an as example it was 'fat and ugly'. Would that person have deep rooted unpleasant beliefs towards overweight people and those who are not as conventionally attractive? Why would that be acceptable any more than a racist remark? Both are deeply unpleasant and hurtful to certain people.

Does it make a difference if I am or if I am not?

Op your husband is racist.. you have no business staying with him. Honestly you just don't. I am sorry you have found yourself here.. if you stay you will have to compromise your person and identity and that is outrageous. I would be fuming and tell him to go fuck his racist self

So tired of trying to educate ignorant racist and their sympathisers. In fact I refuse

Does it really matter?

I hope you don't have children with this man.

You can’t change it. This is who he is. Either accept it or leave or stay and resent him for it.

I find it absolutely astonishing that he thinks this sort of racism is acceptable.

But you know that he does, he defends his position, so now you have to decide your next step knowing this. And expecting him to change is not an achievable goal.

JFC. I am sorry OP, I have no words. I just couldn’t be with someone like this.