Conversations around race with your partner

[ireallyneedsuppport]

NC for obvious reasons

I'm in an interracial relationship and struggling with DH's reactions to racist incidents.

Recently, a member of his family used a horrible racial slur during an altercation. Instead of being disgusted, my husband's initial reaction was to say the other person "shouldn't have started it" and that if you provoke someone, you should expect them to try to hurt you and that see, you're hurt clearly it worked to try and get to them with the racial slur.

I had to push hard for him to finally acknowledge that what his family member did was horrible. What's even more troubling is that this family member has dated people of color in the past.

This isn't an isolated incident. Whenever there's an issue regarding race, my husband tends to minimise it instead of showing sympathy for the victim. He often sides with or makes excuses for people who have said or done racist things. When we discuss, it always ends in an argument.

As a person of color myself, I find his reactions deeply upsetting and hurtful. It makes me feel unsupported and invalidated in our relationship. I'm not sure how to address this ongoing issue with him or if it's even possible to change his perspective.

Has anyone dealt with a similar situation in an interracial relationship? How did you handle it? Any advice on how to approach this with my husband would be appreciated.

@Merryoldgoat I do love him. He has some good qualities, aside from what I've put on this thread.

I do think he cares for me, but I don't think is respect for me is as much as it should be. I believe he loves me but there's a lack of respect.

We also enjoy each others company lots.

Honestly you need to end this relationship. I don’t say that lightly. This man has no intention of changing or having any empathy even for a woman he supposedly loves. He will continue to gaslight and minimise. Any children you have will also be brought up in this environment and god knows what effect that will have on their mental health and confidence. If someone shows you who they are, believe them.

@ireallyneedsuppport as I said before, he doesn't want to change. He doesn't think he should, he doesn't think being racist is a big deal. Wtf do you mean professional help?? Maybe a lobotomy 🙄

You can't make him change. All you can do is decide if you want to be with a racist/apologist for the rest of your life.

I've also had his family members refer to going for a Chinese as the c*y shop, on two separate occasions this has happened. No one corrects them.

I am so confused. The list goes on, I feel I am saying too much now it's getting upsetting for me.

this isn't a good environment to raise mixed race children in, please for your own mental health ditch that man!

From experience, I don't think he ever would. This is my second interracial relationship. I was married to the first one for 14 years and we have 2 children. The first time his family met the DC (we used to live in my home country) they asked them if we didn't bread in my home country. They were enjoying their bread to much.
It was 14 years of micro aggressions like this and as the kids grew up, ex DP would make excuses for them and it really hurt my daughters. Now they barely see their dad or his family.
I was sure I had vetted my new DP after all that but here I am

@ireallyneedsuppport

I’m sorry but I think you’re deluded. I don’t know how you can enjoy the company of someone who shows you such contempt and lacks any consideration for your race and heritage.

@Middlepart I meant counselling

@ireallyneedsuppport I'm not sure what kind of upbringing and the environments you have lived in, but it sounds like you would benefit from some therapy to unpick why you feel you should try and find reasons to keep living alongside the people who keep belittling you like this.

Your race is something you have NO control over. Your DH family members and friends using racial slurs that offend you is not ok. Your DH shrugging his shoulders and saying you're imagining/using the race card/focussing on race too much is not ok.

You trying to educate him is like banging your head against a brick wall; you are the one who will end up with deep mental and emotional scars from this.

Continuing to live in this situation will drive you to a mental health crisis if you do not leave, and I don't say that lightly.

I was friends with someone who made a supposedly friendly joke about another girl in our groups eyes (half korean). The joke was said amongst quite a few other people. Everybody laughed but I could tell the girl was really upset by it. Nobody flagged up that it was inappropriate. I dropped that friend

You can get him to read books, write him letters, make impassioned pleas to his better nature etc…but ultimately you’re wasting your breath.

He clearly holds racist views.
He doesn’t seem to really understand what racism is (evident from the way he minimises blatant examples of it).
He can’t be bothered to open his mind enough to learn more or see things from a different perspective.

All that would be a deal breaker for me, but the most hurtful thing about all of this is…He doesn’t CARE how this affects YOU. Therefore, how can he really care about you at all?

Don’t have children with this guy. Don’t commit to a life with him. You deserve much better.

Do you need practical support to leave your husband? No good will
come from you staying in this situation.

@ireallyneedsuppport
I do believe be does loving things for you and you do nice things together. This is always the case. You are his favourite black woman. In his head he can't be racist because of this.
What happens to you over time when you stay is really horrible though....you will shrink your blackness more and more to avoid arguments. You will not be able to share important things that relate to your race with him. With time, the time you enjoy spending together now will be poisoned. All you will have left will be the resentment of him never standing up for you. And if you have kids it will be painful to see how much they want to get rid of their blackness because in their end it doesn't just affect you.

Think long and hard about the future you want...

Apologies - I was being sarcastic and it came out wrong. I don't think there is anti-racist counselling though...racism is not an illness it's a belief.

Sorry I know realising this about your partner must be really upsetting. But he's not going to change. Please don't have children with him.

There are many racist men who fetishise back women. They think we’re exotic, sexualise us and think of us almost like toys.

They think we’re inferior and need to be ‘taught’ how to behave properly.

I’d put money on him acting like you don’t how things ‘should be done’ - always explaining the right way, what’s normal, you don’t understand because of your upbringing.

Stay or go, be under no illusions - you are married to a racist.

OP I haven't RTFT but do you know there's a black mumsnetter's board, where you are less likely to get minimising responses and posters may have more informed advice for you
my small contribution is it sounds unlikely he will change and for your own health and sanity you should get out, and above all do not have children with him

This is so true. And then when you try and stand up for yourself or explain certain racist situations to them, they get annoyed and treat you as if you are the problem or are being too sensitive.

@Fififafa that's exactly what happens. Every, damn. Time.

Utterly unforgivable , and unfortunately your updates just paint your husband in even worse a light.

I couldn’t accept this in a life partner even as a white person - there is just no place for racism or racist apologists.

I would think long and hard before having children with this man, OP.

Well put. I totally agree.

I thank god that the amazing strong black women who raised me showed me how to spot the racists fast and how to deal with and to avoid them.

@LucyEleanorModeratz which if my recent updates are unforgivable?

I am mixed race, my mum is white and dad is south Asian.

My mum doesn't tolerate racism and cut people out completely when they show that side. My mums side of the family, most are racist and we've heard it all. My mum doesn't put up with it and has cut her siblings off when she got called a 'p*ki lover' and they said things about her children being mixed - like calling my older siblings Sanjay and Geta from Eastenders.

People like this are disgusting and have no morales, your husband is showing you what sort of person he is when he makes excuses for those sort of people. He says 'oh they're really lovely' which is essence means they are nice to their own and if you are a person of colour you'll get narrow minded slurs shouted at you in an argument. There's no excuse! Maybe he would feel different if you had children, and those racial slurs were shouted at his kids.

I personally would never marry a white man, for this particular reason. I dated them when I was younger and was just put off by the reaction when they found out I was half Asian - little remarks about curry and spicy food. Also, how my own 'family' behaved towards us has put me off. I would never want to marry into a family that find this behaviour acceptable and go so far as to encourage it - you really should consider leaving him as it won't get better.

@elliemillie he does say how can he be racist when he's with a black woman and he is sick of me accusing him of saying or behaving in a racist way when there's a racial issue we can't agree on.

You need to leave this man before you suffer anymore. Please take care of yourself and see a therapist preferably one who specialises in racial trauma.