Conversations around race with your partner

[ireallyneedsuppport]

NC for obvious reasons

I'm in an interracial relationship and struggling with DH's reactions to racist incidents.

Recently, a member of his family used a horrible racial slur during an altercation. Instead of being disgusted, my husband's initial reaction was to say the other person "shouldn't have started it" and that if you provoke someone, you should expect them to try to hurt you and that see, you're hurt clearly it worked to try and get to them with the racial slur.

I had to push hard for him to finally acknowledge that what his family member did was horrible. What's even more troubling is that this family member has dated people of color in the past.

This isn't an isolated incident. Whenever there's an issue regarding race, my husband tends to minimise it instead of showing sympathy for the victim. He often sides with or makes excuses for people who have said or done racist things. When we discuss, it always ends in an argument.

As a person of color myself, I find his reactions deeply upsetting and hurtful. It makes me feel unsupported and invalidated in our relationship. I'm not sure how to address this ongoing issue with him or if it's even possible to change his perspective.

Has anyone dealt with a similar situation in an interracial relationship? How did you handle it? Any advice on how to approach this with my husband would be appreciated.

@ireallyneedsuppport write the letter. But if he says anything other than you’re overreacting and being dramatic I’ll send you £50.

@Cas112 there have been other instances too I feel terrible putting them here as I feel like I'm disclosing too much

He said something regarding my surname and this was in front of others. We already dealt with this but he basically said my name isn't even my name (due to the ancestral trauma attached to it he later explained what he meant and apologised as I told him how badly it upset me), so why would I be opposed to changing it on marriage.

He said he was being caring by acknowledging the history, but I failed to see it.

This was also a recent issue we had, there have been a few more recently too but I don't want to explain them all.

You’re welcome, hope it works out.

@Cas112 he did admit the slur was wrong but it took far too long IMO to get there, and I didn't see why there was any defence at all for the family member - aside from he's disgusted in them and upset given his wife is of colour.

It should have been that and ended there!

@ireallyneedsuppport It's complicated, but it effectively involved rejecting the need for representation in a traditionally white space and it cut me both personally and professionally. He went all out and made some very mean-spirited comments to a number of my professional contacts.

A racist never changes. He could get better at hiding it, but he's never going to give a shit about race and why it's important to you.

Is that a compromise you can live with?

I couldn't, so I didn't.

I couldn’t tolerate this. He probably shares the same views as his relative. If you weren’t married I would say you should leave

Yeah, another £50 here.

I also haven't seen the relative since this happened and I'm worried about a family function as I really will struggle to speak to this person.

But I feel obliged too otherwise I'm just creating more 'problems'.

This is horrendous! I've simply never felt racist language acceptable. It's abhorrent.
I really don't know what to say other than if you're not anti-racist you're racist.

What does that actually mean? Could you explain?

You nasty creep. Reported.

Found the racist.

You/he will never out root racism in his family. This much I do know.

Unless you want to spend the rest of your life tolerating "micro-aggressions" and you DH gaslighting you by minimising them, I'd suggest leaving him.

Otherwise, stay exactly where you are, go blue in the face trying to educate him, and keep feeling disrespected.

...HINT: He won't ever be told.

@Starseeking yes I guess it's quite simple as you've painted it to be, you're right.

@ireallyneedsuppport do you have children?

It is just as simple as @Starseeking has painted it to be. This is the truth staring you in the face. Please don't look away.

@Merryoldgoat no

My partner is like this if not worse We have been together for 4 years and it's only started these past few months. I didn't see it coming was totally blindsided. But the signs were probably there...
A year and a half into our relationship, his female friend called me a racial slur and he huffed and puffed about how he wasn't going tolerate it. Well they are still friends and have weekly phone calls.
The latest obsession is that there is a plan to fill Europe with brown people. And most crimes in Europe are committed by brown people and the police and government skew the stats to hide this by calling them British. Apparently if they broke British down, it will show that most of them were not white.
I am also told not to take this personally. Well I am of African descent so impossible not to take it personally.

I have mentally and emotional exited the relationship. I need to sort out some investments we have made together. Luckily I own my house and he doesn't actually live here more than a few days every week so I dont have to see him or listen to the nonsense everyday. I cannot see myself in another inter racial relationship after this. I am scarred by the experience.

I just don't understand why he can't reflect and see where I'm coming from and acknowledge everything. I don't expect him to be perfect but just the acknowledgment.

Whenever someone says something racist or a micro aggression he will tell me how lovely the person is and that they're not racist.

I had an instance with one of my best friends once a micro aggression and he said she's your friend for years, as though to say how am I calling her out on it. And then we never spoke about it ever again because there was no way too.

I am so confused. Do you think professional help could be useful? He likely will not do it though

I would not be able to get past this and would actually end my marriage over this. It's too important. Your husband doesn't have your back. The motivated by race comment would send me over the edge.

@elliemillie thank you for sharing.

I've also had some of his friends use racial slurs in front of me - not at me but referring to the n word happened once and other words to other nationalities.

He's never called them out on it 😢

@ireallyneedsuppport

Are they in your plans? If so would you honestly be happy with him parenting you mixed child? Taking them to see his family and they talk about how ‘it’s a shame they turned out darker than they thought’ or ‘thank god they’re so light’ - hearing that language? Would be he going to school when your child is subjected to racism to deal with it properly? Or will he tell them to ‘shrug it off’.

What is keeping you with him? Do you honestly love him given how little respect he shows you?

He’s not it OP - you need to have a hard think.

@Merryoldgoat he would tell them to shrug it off.