Conversations around race with your partner

[ireallyneedsuppport]

NC for obvious reasons

I'm in an interracial relationship and struggling with DH's reactions to racist incidents.

Recently, a member of his family used a horrible racial slur during an altercation. Instead of being disgusted, my husband's initial reaction was to say the other person "shouldn't have started it" and that if you provoke someone, you should expect them to try to hurt you and that see, you're hurt clearly it worked to try and get to them with the racial slur.

I had to push hard for him to finally acknowledge that what his family member did was horrible. What's even more troubling is that this family member has dated people of color in the past.

This isn't an isolated incident. Whenever there's an issue regarding race, my husband tends to minimise it instead of showing sympathy for the victim. He often sides with or makes excuses for people who have said or done racist things. When we discuss, it always ends in an argument.

As a person of color myself, I find his reactions deeply upsetting and hurtful. It makes me feel unsupported and invalidated in our relationship. I'm not sure how to address this ongoing issue with him or if it's even possible to change his perspective.

Has anyone dealt with a similar situation in an interracial relationship? How did you handle it? Any advice on how to approach this with my husband would be appreciated.

Of course it matters. If what we are saying is that saying something that offends is wrong, then every offensive remark is wrong. The OP hasn't come on here and said 'my poc friend said something offensive, and that was wrong and so the person who it was directed at who said something offensive back.

There also needs to be deep rooted racist beliefs to excuse people who bring race into an altercation.

In your previous post, you described teaching him to understand basic equality and humanity.

I think you need to look within the marriage.

Has he always been like this?

It's a myth that being in an interracial relationship suddenly means you understand nuance around racism. Proximity to black doesn't magic up empathy. Unfortunately I've heard of lots of instances like you're describing.

I am in an interracial relationship (I'm white) of 15 years. I would never ever tolerate any family member saying anything even remotely insulting. I don't think this should be normalised.

This is an ignorant thing for him to say. It's not about being motivated by race what a stupid point. My husband doesn't get to choose when he cares about ethnicity, the world decides for him in the way he is treated daily. To love someone means you care about injustices that affect them!

OP this won't change and if you want children it could harm them, just leave. You deserve happiness and to be loved for every inch of you someone who loves you wouldn't make comments like this.

Never had this issue with a partner, but I’ve dumped a couple of friends for defending racists in a similar way. I hope I would also have dumped a partner if they did the same, though obviously that’s often harder. I’m white, FWIW.

I really need support about this and have no one to discuss with IRL at all for obvious reasons.

There have been many instances where he has defended racist situations. Every single time a racist incident has occurred it's either;

1. Not at all to do with race and to do with every other likely possibility except the colour of someone's skin or

1. I'm told the person isn't racist and racism is basically KKK level or nothing to get worked up about or

1. It's not racist (when it blatantly is)

@bryceQ yes, it's slightly improved over the years, but we are still not where I want it to be as this situation was only recent.

There's usually an issue every few months because being a POC it obviously affects your life and so it's inevitable it becomes part of the relationship

You can say a lot of things to hurt people without bringing race into things

@Yourdemonsyourproblem this was the point I made to DH.

His reply, you'll say the first thing back that you know is going to hurt the most as that's what people do in arguments.

He defended that the family member is racist and said she was trying to cause as much upset as possible because it was retaliation.

Look @ireallyneedsuppport - he isn’t interested in understanding your feelings. You don’t matter to him.

I’m mixed (black and white) and my husband is white. If anyone was racist he’d be disgusted and say so whether I was there or not, and would’ve before meeting me.

If anyone in his family made a racist comment to me there is no question he’d support me.

Has he always been like this? I’m utterly perplexed as to how you married someone like this as a black woman - I don’t understand how important conversations about race weren’t had prior to getting married.

His reply, you'll say the first thing back that you know is going to hurt the most as that's what people do in arguments.

No it’s not. And if that’s how he views arguments he’s a prize arsehole.

I dumped someone over this. He was very nice to me but he made some comments about someone else that I just couldn't forgive. He thought it was a major overreaction.

Sometimes I'm white-passing and I think in the moment, the idiot forgot that I'm not actually white British.

Sometimes I'm white-passing and I think in the moment, the idiot forgot that I'm not actually white British.

Yes - I’ve been privy to some bloody awful things from people who didn’t know my heritage because I look European (apparently)

Never okay to bring race into any argument to cause hurt or offence.

@Merryoldgoat the racist comment wasn't at me it was an incident one of his family members had with someone else.

We've never been on the same page really with these issues.

He has said he thinks there are more important world issues and that we can have different views and should accept not everyone is as passionate about the same things.

I'm so upset by all of this.

@timeforyetanotherusername can I ask what the comment was if you don't mind?

I'm sorry you hear this shit, too.

I accept that white-passing gives me a huge amount of privilege over people who don't look white at all. But the cost of that privilege is sometimes being included in conversations which you wish you didn't get to hear. :(

I don't pass any judgment on anyone who accidentally marries a racist. Not all racists are openly Farage. Many more come across as well-mannered and polite... until something comes up in conversation and you can't reconcile that comment with the person you thought you knew. Most racists hide racism well a lot of the time.

I am brown (ish) . Half white Anglo Saxon half Turkish. I can pass for either side. I dumped a bloke who saw nothing wrong in his father talking about a 'touch of the tarbrush' because it 'was not aimed at me personally'. A number of dim whites see racism as just sort of rudeness on steroids, and not as an unsurmountable moral failing, as I do.

I’m going to be really harsh but you have no business being with someone who isn’t willing to understand how important race is as a black woman.

Racism isn’t a valid ‘alternative viewpoint’ FFS.

I have two children, house, mortgage etc and I’d end my marriage if my husband behaved the way yours does.

It’s just as big a deal if the comment is directed at your or someone else.

We've never been on the same page really with these issues

How did you get married given this?

@ireallyneedsuppport

He has said he thinks there are more important world issues and that we can have different views and should accept not everyone is as passionate about the same things.

But surely some things are non-negotiable, and isn't racism one of them? Can't you see that he is saying (clearly and explicitly) that if an issue is important to you, it isn't really important? Is he saying you should shut up if someone used racist language because of global warming or Ukraine?

Why are you with this guy who has shown you what he is? Has he beaten you down so you can't express how you feel?

He sounds either dim or very arrogant (or possibly he is both!).

You need to leave this man. I think you posted this on Mumsnet because you are starting to know this in yourself. Please be strong and carry on.

Could you write your husband a letter? Either email it to him or use it to have a discussion with him. I know this sounds very formal but writing helps me in discussions. For context, I am Indian, husband is English. Luckily we’re on the same page for many things including race but there are somethings he doesn’t pick up on as much as me. Good luck, you’ll be fine, don’t worry you’re on the right track.

There are so many things that could be said and a racial slur never needs to be one of them

He and his family are racist

@QuickMember that's a really good idea to write a letter. Thank you x