Conversations around race with your partner

[ireallyneedsuppport]

NC for obvious reasons

I'm in an interracial relationship and struggling with DH's reactions to racist incidents.

Recently, a member of his family used a horrible racial slur during an altercation. Instead of being disgusted, my husband's initial reaction was to say the other person "shouldn't have started it" and that if you provoke someone, you should expect them to try to hurt you and that see, you're hurt clearly it worked to try and get to them with the racial slur.

I had to push hard for him to finally acknowledge that what his family member did was horrible. What's even more troubling is that this family member has dated people of color in the past.

This isn't an isolated incident. Whenever there's an issue regarding race, my husband tends to minimise it instead of showing sympathy for the victim. He often sides with or makes excuses for people who have said or done racist things. When we discuss, it always ends in an argument.

As a person of color myself, I find his reactions deeply upsetting and hurtful. It makes me feel unsupported and invalidated in our relationship. I'm not sure how to address this ongoing issue with him or if it's even possible to change his perspective.

Has anyone dealt with a similar situation in an interracial relationship? How did you handle it? Any advice on how to approach this with my husband would be appreciated.

I'm in an interacial relationship (I am white), and if I am honest, I was totally ignorant of racism until I met my DH.
The level of racism he faces day to day is shocking, and it's been a lot of learning for me. The thing is, it's something I want to learn about, and that's the difference.

I think he has to put real effort in to understand your point of view, otherwise you're always going to be talking to a brick wall and uncomfortable.

Defending racism isnt ever ok, neither is ignorance and if he wasn't able to challenge his family, that would be the end for me I'm afraid.

I agree there 100% that they wouldn’t see it as an insult that should be used. But you’d have to be from another planet to not know it is insulting and would hurt someone if you wanted to be nasty. To clarify, not my views and not something I would say but I think someone nasty would, to be as nasty as possible. That sounds like OPs DHs relative.

@BellesAndGraces that was exactly the point I am trying to get my husband to understand. If you're not racist your mind wouldn't even wonder there...

You're right, it wouldn't.

@ireallyneedsuppport

I’m struggling to understand why you are putting up with this? Was this normal for you when you were growing up? Being insulted and told that your feelings don’t matter?

@Merryoldgoat I don't know

@Merryoldgoat I don't think people stay with partners like this because of their childhood. It's because on the whole, the relationship is not that terrible. It will get really bad in the end and I can bet my last bottom dollar the racism didn't show anywhere at all in the first few years. The first devil's advocacy with regards to race by my partner, came 3 years into our relationship. And for a year I was sure I was overreacting because how didn't this happen earlier? It's hard to understand unless you have been there.

I am leaving but can't tell anyone I know why because they won't be able to reconcile the woman they know to the one who has put up with that behaviour for a year.

I will be honest, it is something that came up quite early.

The reason I'm in the relationship is because the majority of it is better than just that bad it's very good.

Although he did say im 'spoiling it' with these arguments.

I'm sorry op, this sounds really hard. I'm mixed race although second generation so don't appear mixed race so much, coming from a family 4 generations of black heritage now it gives some perspective on these issues. Firstly that things today aren't that much better than they were in the 1950s. Some things are, but racism doesn't just get fixed over time. Don't let anyone pretend it's solved now, you know it isn't. I've never experienced racist family members or partner either, my husband is proud of my heritage and has encouraged me to learn more about my black ancestry and encouraged me all the way. Sometimes he's not sure, but listens patiently. I read something recently, I really wish I could remember where (it could be the book Mixed/Other or the Mixed Up podcast, can't remember) but as people with minority ethnicity heritage, race is ever present but we grow up seeing the good, the love, the things that make us and our families special, self hatred can be a thing but we can engage with race as a positive experience. For white people, their first conversations about race are when negative things happen, don't say that, don't do that and it means that often white people are defensive because conversations were always negative as children. I'm not excusing your partner, I think he has a lot of work to do but it was an interesting perspective. Perhaps find a therapist who can help you because you can't change him but they may give you some tools. It's hard to find a therapist who is the same heritage but I think it's important because white therapists are often hopeless at discussing race and it's impact.

@elliemillie

Sure - I don’t know as I’ve not been in that situation but I can tell you I wouldn’t put up with that behaviour and it’s because I was taught to advocate for myself from very young.

It’s because of my childhood (which was far from perfect) that I would not stay with a racist partner.

As a woman of colour myself I am so upset that a black woman is in this position. However I’m also utterly confounded that she’s allowing it to continue.

Because you are @ireallyneedsuppport

You are allowing him to treat you like this. By staying when you are able to leave you are allowing it.

@ireallyneedsuppport if it's always been like this then you definitely need to leave now. You know it won't get better. I wish it started early on for me, then I wouldn't be so financially tied to him as I am now.

perhaps find a therapist who can help you because you can't change him but they may give you some tools. It's hard to find a therapist who is the same heritage but I think it's important because white therapists are often hopeless at discussing race and it's impact.

But that surely is just as racist? You are saying that a white therapist is not as qualified to listen?

Oh look one of the devil's advocates😅

Therapy is a bit more than listening. A therapist also brings their lived experiences to their practice.

I don't actually know why I am replying....all of your posts so far seem to be confirming the very thing we are discussing. Moving the goal post and reframing things to make racism ok. The same as being called fat as I recall from an earlier post of yours.

The same as being called fat as I recall from an earlier post of yours.
We keep hearing on threads like this about 'lived experiences'. I'm confident many people with obesity issues do get upset when they hear someone being called fat. Likewise a less attractive person hearing someone being called ugly. Why are your particular lived experiences so much more important than others. Has the OP or you gone home and had a discussion with your significant other about how offended you are that eg 'Mr Smith' had been called fat and ugly?

They are just words. If the OP, you or anyone else wishes to be offended by them, that is on them.

Offended😂 I bet you will love that. It's the only reason you are here.

I think most people see you for what you are and being offended by someone like you will be a waste of anyone's time.

Carry on as you were though.

I wouldn’t bother engaging with ATenShunSiikinBihavia. Obviously just on here to stir things.

@elliemillie "oh look one of the devils advocates" has really made me smile!

OP, sorry I can't recall you saying, but have you spoken to anyone in rl about the issues you are having?

@LadyKenya I had a counselling session yesterday and this was the first time I've spoken to anyone irl.

Family and friends would not take it very well so I feel isolated.

The counsellor was not as helpful as I'd hoped and it was only a 30 minute session so I am currently researching and trying to find one that specialises in such issues but I'm struggling to be honest

That is a shame regarding friends, and family. But you do need the support in rl, especially if you decide you are going to leave. At least if that happens, it would not be a bolt out of the blue for them, as they would have been aware that there were serious problems. You should not have to hide what is happening, they may be able to help you. You are struggling, as you say, and that will not magically get better on its own. Don't suffer in silence.

@LadyKenya thank you, but I know they will just start to have negative feelings towards him which I think adds another huge layer of complexity to the situation, I think for now I'd rather keep it in the counselling room

That is understandable@ireallyneedsuppport . You have had a lot of good advice from posters. There is also the Black Mumsnetters board, in case you were not aware of it.

He's refusing to listening to you. His mind wandered there, he is racist.

@Merryoldgoat yes it was me asking about my partner on the other thread.

@ireallyneedsuppport

Wtf are you doing with him OP? Seriously?

There is no way back from this.