Conversations around race with your partner

[ireallyneedsuppport]

NC for obvious reasons

I'm in an interracial relationship and struggling with DH's reactions to racist incidents.

Recently, a member of his family used a horrible racial slur during an altercation. Instead of being disgusted, my husband's initial reaction was to say the other person "shouldn't have started it" and that if you provoke someone, you should expect them to try to hurt you and that see, you're hurt clearly it worked to try and get to them with the racial slur.

I had to push hard for him to finally acknowledge that what his family member did was horrible. What's even more troubling is that this family member has dated people of color in the past.

This isn't an isolated incident. Whenever there's an issue regarding race, my husband tends to minimise it instead of showing sympathy for the victim. He often sides with or makes excuses for people who have said or done racist things. When we discuss, it always ends in an argument.

As a person of color myself, I find his reactions deeply upsetting and hurtful. It makes me feel unsupported and invalidated in our relationship. I'm not sure how to address this ongoing issue with him or if it's even possible to change his perspective.

Has anyone dealt with a similar situation in an interracial relationship? How did you handle it? Any advice on how to approach this with my husband would be appreciated.

Remember, this is a random person that started an argument with them. This may not be how you operate with your husband for example but it sounds like with this encounter there wasn't an issue to resolve per se and it was just nastiness.

I'd like to think most people don't have vindictive arguments with strangers and therefore can't necessarily comprehend this situation for what it is. Male braggadocio.

It speaks volumes about their belief system.

This, even if you put aside his being ok with racism, why would you want to be in a relationship with someone who argues like this. This should (also) be relationship ending.
I have never said anything to hurt in an argument… and most people don’t. At some level this is quite rotten to the core.

I got in an argument with a sibling in-law about something casually antisemitic they said and they said 'Why do you care? You're not Jewish'. My DH completely backed me up instantly. It's caused a rift which we are happy to let continue! It might have started doubts growing if he hadn't, but he and I think alike on these issues, or we wouldn't be together.

@LadyKenya yes, you're absolutely right in that they should know not to say it, they shouldn't be thinking it and anyone who hears it should challenge it.

What I mean is the racism is so ingrained into white British culture that he will swear til he is blue in the face that he's not racist. Ask him on any day if that slur is ok to say and he will likely say no, not ok. Ask him what would really hurt a person and he'd say the racial slur. He is racist and he doesn't care enough to try to get it. A bad combination. He is saying it as he would say any other "insult". Not because it is an insult but because he knows it hurts and doesn't understand the context underneath enough to know why, just that it does. The result is the same. He's racist and nasty.

"That unarmed man was shot, well - he provoked the shooter"

Yes, or he must have been doing something wrong to be shot in the first place, or whatever million, and one excuses that they come up with, to justify a black man being shot in cold blood.

I agree @HillBillieEilish .

OP - I don't usually recommended ending a relationship but on this occasion you do need to leave him.

I'm in a mixed-race marriage (I'm black and DH is white) and when we first started dating he didn't think that racism really existed, as he didn't know anyone who was racist. The next 2 nights we went out, we travelled on transport where people were openly shouting the n word. I called the people out but DH didn't say anything, which really upset me. Turned out he was genuinely shocked to had witnessed this and was scared to say anything, as he didn't want any harm to come to us. Since then, DH has been acutely aware that racism does still exist and won't hesitate to call anyone out.

The fact that your DH doesn't challenge his family & friends and frequently minimises situations where racial slurs/comment's are made is evidence that he won't change, especially as he claims he can't be racist because he's married to a black woman.

Please leave him, for your own sake and to save your sanity because no marriage should amount to lifetime of micro-aggressions and minimising which I fear would be the case if you stayed.

His reply, you'll say the first thing back that you know is going to hurt the most as that's what people do in arguments.

What?! This guy sounds dreadful. This is not normal behaviour from reasonable, mature adults. It’s the sort of behaviour parents train their children out of!

The more you talk about him the worse he sounds.

No, I don’t resort to personal insults. Period. I’m able to argue effectively without doing so.

Your point is specious and speaking as a woman of colour you don’t get to ‘remind’ me of anything regarding the offensiveness of racist comments.

I've cut off a former friend for being racist. He was drunk and kept shouting 'fucking n***s'. Our lovely neighbours are black and would probably have heard. No fucking way am I associating with someone who thinks that was acceptable, I threw him out. I can't believe you're in a relationship with this man!

Agreed. The best thing anyone can do if in a situation where offensive language is being used, is just move away, thinking what a pair of knobs.

It's different I guess because I'm white so not obviously from another background to strangers but my husband used to regularly use 'pikey' and 'gyppo' as insults. Yeah, I'm traveller and I'm proud but hearing him saying those words that I'd been taunted with all through school was SO upsetting. Thankfully he got it and stopped. If your husband doesn't get it, seriously, leave.

I think I'd be ending this relationship if I were you.

@ATenShun yes, the enslavement of people of colour is in history, but it's recent history and the repercussions are still very much apparent.

Are you white? I ask as I am white, and so racism is not something I've known. It's something I've come to know about as I've grown, but it's something you have to actively participate in the learning about, our world is an inherently racist one and so as a white person we will inevitably have blind spots. If a person of colour tells you something is racist and offensive, rather than minimise what they say by telling them that other insults are equally offensive, try just listening and valuing that they are the best authority about what is racist.

I'd suggest 175 years ago isn't really recent history. Why does an insult about one persons physical appearance trump anothers? The OP seems unwilling to say what the initial insult was that received the racist reply. I'd suggest it was two people behaving like knobs and the best thing to do is just walk away.

Why does it matter what was said? To resort to a racial insult is in another league. The whataboutery being displayed is just typical, and shows the total lack of understanding of the historical context, that still lingers to this day. To suggest that 175 years ago is not recent history, whilst neglecting to understand the legacy that black people have been saddled with, and continue to suffer from, shows a distinct lack of understanding, and to keep hammering the point that all insults are equal is just showing up that complete lack of knowledge of black people's lived experience. I do not expect white people to understand all this. To even begin to understand starts with education, reading, and actually listening to people who live with this, not telling them what you think you know.

Thank you@Ididntsignuptothis , you understand.

What you are saying then is that only the things you find offensive matter. If a person has a disfiguring injury, birthmark etc, somebody saying horrible things about looks isn't as insulting?

I think this thread has deviated away from the main point.... it doesn't matter what the original insult was, what matters is that the OPs husband is minimising and deliberately ignoring her lived experiences of racism and sense of self as a woman of colour. This is not someone to build a future or have children with.

Using the OP. Her husband seems to be taking a pragmatic approach. He suggests that whoever was the target of the racist remark should not have started an altercation. The OP witnessing the altercation seems to be minimising whatever insult was given first. The OP and a number of others on this thread seem to only consider their lived experiences as valid and minimising all others.

No I don't agree at all. The op has given loads of instances of her husband downplaying what she is saying and not listening her. The instance in her original post is just one example. Being an ally means you have to actively be anti-racist and fight it when you are exposed to it or your spouse tells you their experiences. For him to say he isn't "motivated" by race just means he doesn't get it at all.

I agree, I hope that the OP is able to take solace from the fact that she is not wrong in how she is feeling, many posters understand, and that she can take steps to ensure her future well being.