To be pissed off about this?

[Newbie8918]

TL:DR DH and I have same salary but get content comments about how lucky I am as there's an assumption that DH is the one paying/funding everything!

My DH and I both have decent jobs and decent salaries however I am sick to death about people commenting about our life in relation to how well DH must be doing so we can afford XYZ and how lucky I am 🤣
Both of our families are very working class and have similar, traditional values about gender roles I suppose.
DH and I never disclose what we earn or discuss work in general with them but they both know that we both work full time.
My job is quite vague. Think Chandler Bing 'Transponster' 🤣, so none of them actually know exactly what I do for work.
I think it pisses me off because nothing has ever come easy and I've literally worked my backside off to achieve where I am in my career, as has DH and it's constantly reduced to 'lucky you, DH must be doing well'. People find it easier to believe that DH must be earning almost double his currently salary, rather than considering that we're fairly equal.

For example we've just purchased a new home. I actually earn slightly more than DH and have far more disposable income, and poured everything that I had spare into our previous mortgage to reduce the term, meaning we were in a good position to buy this one. All I have heard since, is how DH must be skint, buying that big house for us!
Nail in the coffin was at the family bbq where my uncle asked to see pics of the work that we have done (total reno. Listed building) to which he said loudly 'wow, incredible. Looks like you've been at DH's credit card again' 🙈

I don't know what I want here! I'm never going to correct them, neither of us are. Nor would I ever reply with 'hey, I pay my share' as it sounds petty and defensive and I know it's not meant to be hurtful but EFF me! Woman can also have successful careers too 🤣

I know I wouldn't be able to help myself. I'd just have to say, "Actually, I earn more than him."

I'd also have to say something, maybe 'yes DH has bagged himself a good 'un'.

Why does he not correct anyone and leave people to think he's doing allot his own his own?

As you say, they don't actually know what you do. I'm sure if you had an obvious well paid job they wouldn't say those things but if it really annoys you, surely say something?

Are your family from the 1930s?! I’ve never encountered comments of this kind from anyone ever. If I mentioned to someone we were doing work on the house no one would bring up the financial aspect. Feels very intrusive and rude.

Tell them, with a smile, "Nah, we both pay equal amounts."

Why won't you correct them though?
Without going into the specifics of salary details, you could point out that you both contribute on a similar level.

If it were me I couldn't help myself and ask uncle to clearly explain why he automatically assumes that DH earns the most?

I think you should just say you both earn similar amounts so actually you pay half!

This!!

Why does your dh not say anything!?

I earn more than dh, in the last he earned more than me etc but once a friend made a comment about dh buying me something trivial shoes/bag etc and how I was a kept woman and Dh quickly said "she earns more than I do!" And this shocked the friend who is a work colleague so knew how much dh would earn ish and clearly thought me incapable of earning more than that!!!

Correct them?? Tell them you earn more. Job done.

Why would you not say anything? You can't really complain if you never bother to correct them, you don't have to be rude just "Actually we earn about the same and pay equally, not sure why you'd assume he's the breadwinner?"

I'm never going to correct them

Why not?! I find it bizarre that this is something that pisses you off but you won’t make a simple comment which would stop it happening!

I know exactly what you mean. I married late 30s and moved into DH’s nice house on an estate. His elderly neighbour commented that I was a lucky girl! That comment has bugged me for the last 20 years! I had my own nice house on a nice estate with plenty of equity, a well paid job and was doing nicely.
i said nothing but my head plays out that scenario over and over where I act all dumb and ask “what do you mean?”
No comments my family side as I was doing well but I moved into DH’s area where I wasn’t known so a lot of people assumed ‘I was marrying well!’

You're pissed off about it but refuse to do /say anything about it.

Makes no sense.

Either accept it and don't get annoyed, or correct everyone each time. That is literally all you can can do here.

This is what I want to know. Dear OP, do you suffer from chronic shyness or confrontation phobia?

I don't know what I want here! I'm never going to correct them, neither of us are. Nor would I ever reply with 'hey, I pay my share' as it sounds petty and defensive and I know it's not meant to be hurtful but EFF me! Woman can also have successful careers too 🤣

So TELL them. Their attitudes are never going to change unless they are corrected, politely and often.

Why on earth wouldn't you respond with, "Lucky HIM, you mean - I earn more than he does!"??

It's not exactly throwing yourself under the King's horse whilst shouting "votes for women!" Just a simple correction.

don't know what I want here! I'm never going to correct them, neither of us are. Nor would I ever reply with 'hey, I pay my share' as it sounds petty and defensive and I know it's not meant to be hurtful but EFF me! Woman can also have successful careers too 🤣

Well they clearly don't know because you wont tell them.🤣

It really is frustrating. I had quite a lot of work done to my home. Dp doesn’t live here but as I was working from home he stayed for the duration as I feel uncomfortable having strange men in the house when I am alone.

They ran every decision by him, despite him saying ‘it’s her house, she is paying for it, it’s up to her’. I later got comments about wearing the trousers and spending his money.

I got a new company car during this period and one made a comment about dp must earn a fortune to be able to afford the work and buy me a new car. I, or dp, pulled them up everytime. But at this point I did have a go.

I used to get off (now ex) h’s family as well. It’s really fucking frustrating.

For those asking why I don't say anything, I have in the past in some scenarios when it's more pointed but there are times when. It's more subtle. Eg. We were taking about the work that we're doing to the house,
in a joint conversation. I was the one doing the talking. Someone turned to DH directly and said 'that must be costing you a pretty penny *DH name'. It's weird for me to correct that with 'costing us.....' but the assumption was the same. When the comment is direct, we have corrected it.

I don’t understand this.

Either you correct people, or you continue to get annoyed.

I didn't say I refused to say anything. I explained that it feels defensive and petty in some scenarios. We're also private about finances so don't want to get into a conversation about what we earn!

Kind of similar with us, my husband corrects them. Say they make a comment about what a big house we’ve bought, he says “Yes we were able to get somewhere bigger with Howdoesitworkagain going back to work” or something along those lines.

I’ve sometimes said we both take in about the same. Also various comments from both of us saying we’re in a fortunate position to have two well-earning jobs etc.

Basically making it clear it’s shared without bragging, still being quite vague and humble about it.

Your husband needs to be the one who does most of the correcting, better for someone to talk up the other person than force you to be seen as bragging (heaven forbid a woman being like a man about her earnings!!) 😉

Oh yes.....in the middle of this now.

Comments like 'well speak to him and make sure he's happy to pay that'.
'When will your DH be home?'
'I'll give your DH a call'

The sexism is real. DH plays along and says 'I'll have to run it by x, she's in charge of the budget/design etc' 🤣 frustrating isn't it?

Yup! Frustrating isn't it.

My initial post certainly wasn't clear. We definitely do this when it's obvious. Sometimes it's quite subtle but equally frustrating 🤣

I mean this one seems quite minor compared to your other examples but DH could have easily and non-confrontationally bought “us” into the reply… “Yeah it’s cost us quite a bit”, “yeah it’s not been cheap, lucky we’ve both got good jobs”, etc.

Some of them are going to take you, or DH if the comments are mostly directed at him, saying something.