To be pissed off about this?

[Newbie8918]

TL:DR DH and I have same salary but get content comments about how lucky I am as there's an assumption that DH is the one paying/funding everything!

My DH and I both have decent jobs and decent salaries however I am sick to death about people commenting about our life in relation to how well DH must be doing so we can afford XYZ and how lucky I am 🤣
Both of our families are very working class and have similar, traditional values about gender roles I suppose.
DH and I never disclose what we earn or discuss work in general with them but they both know that we both work full time.
My job is quite vague. Think Chandler Bing 'Transponster' 🤣, so none of them actually know exactly what I do for work.
I think it pisses me off because nothing has ever come easy and I've literally worked my backside off to achieve where I am in my career, as has DH and it's constantly reduced to 'lucky you, DH must be doing well'. People find it easier to believe that DH must be earning almost double his currently salary, rather than considering that we're fairly equal.

For example we've just purchased a new home. I actually earn slightly more than DH and have far more disposable income, and poured everything that I had spare into our previous mortgage to reduce the term, meaning we were in a good position to buy this one. All I have heard since, is how DH must be skint, buying that big house for us!
Nail in the coffin was at the family bbq where my uncle asked to see pics of the work that we have done (total reno. Listed building) to which he said loudly 'wow, incredible. Looks like you've been at DH's credit card again' 🙈

I don't know what I want here! I'm never going to correct them, neither of us are. Nor would I ever reply with 'hey, I pay my share' as it sounds petty and defensive and I know it's not meant to be hurtful but EFF me! Woman can also have successful careers too 🤣

They are doing it because they are sexist and sexism should always be called out. Make them uncomfortable. Ask them why they said that? what makes them think you are luckier than he is? Why are they making assumptions about another persons finances?
They are being rude and sexist so don't spare their feelings.

Another poster even called it out, so not just me

Apparently I think I'm better than everyone

I want to brag about how much I earn (literally the opposite)

My family are idiots who wouldn't even
understand the word misogyny

It's my fault for going on about the renovation (I don't ever instigate the conversation)

It's a DH problem (he's not even there sometimes!)

And then getting very personal, replying to every posters comments with snippy responses

All from 2 posters

I'm happy to have a constructive conversation. I can take criticism and the consensus is, I need to speak up more, I'll take that.

I won't take gown adults deliberately trying to make someone feel shit when they've asked for advice.

Ew yuk. That’d piss me off too. Just correct them, every single time.
I wouldn’t have to because my husband would correct them first. We’ve had lots of similar situations and he will always put people straight (even during periods that it’s not been true and he has actually earned considerably more than me, just because it’s so fucking sexist and patronising and condescending).
If you don’t feel you can speak up, could you just carry a timmy mallet style hammer and bonk them in the head each time?
Or a real hammer maybe.

Were also private about finances so don't want to get into a conversation about what we earn!

Totally get that OP. I'm the same. It's no-one's business.

I just smile and nod and change the subject.

Most people are stuck in their little bubble.

At the last comment from your uncle you should have said "actually it was my credit card".

My family are idiots who wouldn't even
understand the word misogyny

Many of us are of this view OP
And fact all these multiple family members saying this to you are all from an “older generation” really is no excuse unless we are talking all of them approaching 100 (and even then… considering they were of working age in the 70s and 80s, a bit bloody weird!

The idea that children maybe listening to this kind of shite from family members surely is enough motivation for you OP not to be so “reserved” and for you and your DH to actually point blank address the misogyny at all these many family events.

My husband wouldn’t crack a smile or bluff it or “play up to it”. My husband would just clearly and directly state every time “odd and incorrect assumption there, as @persistentyes earns same as me”

has no other family member been present during all these instances that has piped up with “what are you talking about auntie / uncle / granny / grampa??? I earn same / more than my husband!!”

Oh gosh that is annoying, I earn more than my husband howrver am fortunate in that I haven't experienced this I suspect its due to us both working in known professions so identifiable.

What I would do is feed info to the main gossip and let them spread the news for you....can simply be in conversation that you earn 10k more than DH or 2 times or whatever it is.

Builders I find just assert yourself the minute you meet them and they get the idea.

I'm not excusing them! That's the point of the post. My issue was the other posters approach.

Having outdated and incorrect views doesn't mean someone is 'thick'. It means they have outdated and incorrect views. My point was, it's what they have known. It's their life experience. They are making an assumption based on how they have lived their life. I'm not saying everyone of a certain age lived like this etc. I was simply trying to give context and perspective.

They're not trying to be hurtful either. They're actually nice people. Not racist reform voters either, as someone else said!

so what’s your plan now at next family event?

and no one has ever piped up in all these family events with… “hey i earn same or more as my husband / brother”
Do you have any children op? because i’d be very quick to put all these family members straight if they were making stupid comments like this at every family event in front of them

No children.

When it's my side I'm more forward in correcting them. My side are more obvious and seem to say it as a joke.

DHs side are less obvious and the assumptions are more subtle and this is where it feels weird to jump in and correct them. DH corrects them when he hears it but at times he's not part of the conversation.

Builders I couldn't give a shit about now. They always get told. Not bothered about being rude to them. When I said DH 'plays along' with the builders what I meant is, when they have obviously bypassed me and asks him a q, re refers them back to me even when he doesn't need to and tells them that I am responsible for signing off on XYZ.

In your OP you say you and DH and no intention of “ever” correcting them

but latest post indicates you and he always do

Its a bit confusing tbh

oh builders i would t give a toss about

i would suggest that if you had your children around you when these relatives say these daft things… you would be a lot more forthright. Hopefully!

We play the "genuinely confused" card such as "why would she need to ask me for money", "why would he buy it when I'm the main earner...seems unfair" etc . Turns it straight back to them to explain and nobody can complain that you have misunderstood them. Also has added benefit of making them either backtrack or state their sexist assumptions more clearly so you can laugh at them, say "aw bless you" and move on.

Yes it's confusing because I'm talking about specific subtle scenarios which are difficult to give examples of via text.

Those examples we find hard to correct.

When it's blatant. We both correct it

Ooooh I like this.

So it’s really not “constant” and doesn’t sound like you should be “sick to death” about what you’re now presenting as lovely older generation folk not wishing any offence or harm.

Doesn’t sound like you’re really pissed off at all! which is a good thing as it’s only the start of the summer and by the sounds of it…. you have a shed load of family events ahead of you to ensure!

I get this and it upsets me too, I outearn my husband, he is a high earner in his own right, but many people , mainly men, assume he is the higher earner, they ask me things like what does your husband do, if they come to the house to quote for work.

sometimes I’d correct, but I tend not to. As it feels like I’m putting my husband down, and it’s not their business. But it does annoy me.

I'd have to say something and challenge them every single time it comes up. Something like "Oh...I see what you've done there...you seem to have the misguided impression that it's emasculating for my husband to earn less than I do...I'll clear that one right up. It's not. We're equals and I'd really rather not have to have this discussion every. single. time that we're talking about property or having work done in the house or whatever. It's getting tedious at this point and just shows how misogynistic you are so there's that too...." and walk away.

Thanks for telling me how I should feel.

Plenty of other posters are sharing the same experience on here too interestingly.

Totally agree. It's scenarios like this that catch me off guard too. I also don't want to jump in and say 'I earn just as much thank you very much'. It feels weird to me. Like Im bragging.
Doesn't help that I also work from home full time, so I'm at home and available when they stop by for quotes 🤣

you are now saying it isn’t “constant”

and you’re not “sick to death” of it

So i can’t really see how i’m telling you how to feel

but sounds like your summer is going to involve every weekend you feeling irritated and pissed off.

So i’ll hide thread now so as not to come back and piss you off further 😦

It’s really made me appreciate my family and older members within it though! not having to put up with this kind of misogyny all the time shudder

Why the fuck wouldn’t you correct them. I bloody would. Stand up for yourself.