To be pissed off about this?

[Newbie8918]

TL:DR DH and I have same salary but get content comments about how lucky I am as there's an assumption that DH is the one paying/funding everything!

My DH and I both have decent jobs and decent salaries however I am sick to death about people commenting about our life in relation to how well DH must be doing so we can afford XYZ and how lucky I am 🤣
Both of our families are very working class and have similar, traditional values about gender roles I suppose.
DH and I never disclose what we earn or discuss work in general with them but they both know that we both work full time.
My job is quite vague. Think Chandler Bing 'Transponster' 🤣, so none of them actually know exactly what I do for work.
I think it pisses me off because nothing has ever come easy and I've literally worked my backside off to achieve where I am in my career, as has DH and it's constantly reduced to 'lucky you, DH must be doing well'. People find it easier to believe that DH must be earning almost double his currently salary, rather than considering that we're fairly equal.

For example we've just purchased a new home. I actually earn slightly more than DH and have far more disposable income, and poured everything that I had spare into our previous mortgage to reduce the term, meaning we were in a good position to buy this one. All I have heard since, is how DH must be skint, buying that big house for us!
Nail in the coffin was at the family bbq where my uncle asked to see pics of the work that we have done (total reno. Listed building) to which he said loudly 'wow, incredible. Looks like you've been at DH's credit card again' 🙈

I don't know what I want here! I'm never going to correct them, neither of us are. Nor would I ever reply with 'hey, I pay my share' as it sounds petty and defensive and I know it's not meant to be hurtful but EFF me! Woman can also have successful careers too 🤣

It's all we, us etc and he's even said that I earn more.

So are they 1. forgetting and asking again or 2. different members of your family asking?

I'm in a similar situation but I just politely smile, I don't say anything.

I'm a very confrontational and direct person normally, but this is the one situation I don't say anything.

Because I know it turns into:

• "can I have/borrow some money, you're loaded" (I'm not a millionaire or anything)
• "you're lucky not to have money problems" (long rant about their money problems)
• "can you buy [random expensive item]" as a gift/when out.
• "no one needs to get you a Christmas present, but you should buy for the in-laws entire extended family including a million grandchildren you don't know, and you should spend more on them than others do because you can afford it."
• [random remarks that indicate they're resentful, even though they'd never work the hours I do or sacrifice the things I've sacrificed to be where I am]
• and repeat every time you see them

In reality it's even worse because I look young (I'm not, so it's horrible seeing their faces because they're clearly thinking "god she's old" when they find out), so half the time I don't even get "must be nice he gave you a job in the business, he does all the work though doesn't he" (it's my business ideas, joint execution, and we are equal partners and do the same hours). Instead I get "must be nice to have rich parents."

People just don't like other people being successful. Once we have - finally - got through the list of, no my partner and I built our business together, no we didn't have parents fund it, no we didn't get investors, yes I do look young, they just hate you even more. They just can't justify hating you which makes them even more annoyed.

And the parent thing hits a nerve with me because I haven't spoken to my (abusive) parents in 10 years and they had nothing to do with my businesses or anything else I've done.

Grass is always greener.

Either you politely tell them straight “actually we earn very similar amounts so he’s just as lucky as I am” or you don’t let their incorrect assumptions bother you.

We had the same situation and maybe people assumed he earned the money when he was alive, but I wasn't aware if it.

Since he died people are definitely assuming I'm living on "his" money, which is absolutely not the case and I find it really offensive.

I totally get your frustration. A few years ago now my daughter was was going to uni. I arranged a night out at a bistro for my mum an Dad and sister and girls boyfriends. As we sat down I said I needed the loo and handed my card at the bar and asked that everything went on MY card. We ate the meal and my Dad asked for the bill and was told all 16 meals has been paid for. I am a nurse and worked 6 overtime 1w hr night shifts to pay for this treat. EVERYONE thanked my husband who hadn't done anything. He was very gracious and replied you are welcome.

it if this happens so often at family events

think of some witty comeback before the next family event

@whichfan also didn't say the same person said it more than once did I?

heavens

you sound lovely 😆

channel some of that feistiness at the next family event 💪

It should say 6x 12 hr shifts extra

you did not.

Multiple family members. poor thing

I absolutely would not tolerate that. I’d have to say something about earning the same, we pay 50% each etc. I’d find it too annoying to let it slide! I’ve earned slightly more than my DH for years, I have no idea if anyone thinks or salaries are very different, they’re obviously aware that we’ve worked in the jobs for long enough to be at the top of the scales.

! I'm never going to correct them, neither of us are.

So your DH doesn’t correct them
just laps it up

Very large family. Lots of stuff going on with us at the mo, so it's common knowledge that we're renovating etc. currently on the whole 'bbq' multiple 'wedding, 'christening' 'communion' circuit due to the time of year.
Also my short temper about it is probably fuelled by comments from multiple different trades, doing work and making comments about needing to speak to DH about x

but why get pissed off about it? unless its every conversation you have everytime you meet with these people.. then i can understand it beign draining.

you've already said that these people have very old fashioned views towards gendar roles.. you know what they are like.. don't bring up the topic of money simple, its not worth getting all upset about.

we get it, you are equal.. move on

That's a hell of a lot of people commenting on something so bland.

If it annoys you, just tell them you earn more.

If it annoys your husband, tell him to tell them he earns more.

Mountain/molehill really. None of them care as much as you 🤷‍♂️

@letsjustdothis exactly. I'm usually not shy about coming forwards but can't bare questions about finances and the spiral it goes down. I am a 'rise above it' what do they know, girl usually but I think that it's compounded with the house at the mo and irritating me!

Once someone told me I was a lucky girl because of the Louis Vuitton bag I was carrying when out shopping with my dad- nodding at him and heavily implying it had been bought for me. I was a 26 year old adult at the time earning a good wage and had bought it myself for my birthday.
People will make assumptions because they’re jealous. Ignore the haters.

Currently on the whole summer bbq, wedding, anniversary, circuit due to the time of year. Mega large family. Very publicly renovating a listed property, in a fairly prominent position, where lots of family live/have connections. Think it's just compounding.

It’s only happened to me once but I called it out straight away. I was going on a trip with my son and a bloke said to dh “blimey that must be costing you a bit, how long before she’s on the phone for the credit card” 🤯🤯🤯 thankfully dh stepped straight in as well to put him right. Neither of us are high earners 😅 but we do prioritise travel.
Weird thing is this mates wife is hugely successful, they both earn a fortune so not sure why he even thought that dh would be funding the trip 🫠

Right, so it’s lots of different people who you haven’t previously told. I would just keep saying it. It clearly is really pissing you off!

dealing with the tradies is easy. "Either discuss it with me or fuck off." I actually used this many many years ago with a double glazing firm in the middle of the installation and the bloke decided that perhaps he had better discuss it with me.

I am also not sure why you care about what a bunch of neanderthals think, related or not.

Me and dh work for the same (massive) company. Same ish job -.I earn £5k more than him because of an extra responsibility point

Ds was recently taught at school that "men always earn more than women" and it took me some time to convince him otherwise!

Bloody hell! And here's me defending them because of their generation!

Bahaahahaha love this.