To be pissed off about this?

[Newbie8918]

TL:DR DH and I have same salary but get content comments about how lucky I am as there's an assumption that DH is the one paying/funding everything!

My DH and I both have decent jobs and decent salaries however I am sick to death about people commenting about our life in relation to how well DH must be doing so we can afford XYZ and how lucky I am 🤣
Both of our families are very working class and have similar, traditional values about gender roles I suppose.
DH and I never disclose what we earn or discuss work in general with them but they both know that we both work full time.
My job is quite vague. Think Chandler Bing 'Transponster' 🤣, so none of them actually know exactly what I do for work.
I think it pisses me off because nothing has ever come easy and I've literally worked my backside off to achieve where I am in my career, as has DH and it's constantly reduced to 'lucky you, DH must be doing well'. People find it easier to believe that DH must be earning almost double his currently salary, rather than considering that we're fairly equal.

For example we've just purchased a new home. I actually earn slightly more than DH and have far more disposable income, and poured everything that I had spare into our previous mortgage to reduce the term, meaning we were in a good position to buy this one. All I have heard since, is how DH must be skint, buying that big house for us!
Nail in the coffin was at the family bbq where my uncle asked to see pics of the work that we have done (total reno. Listed building) to which he said loudly 'wow, incredible. Looks like you've been at DH's credit card again' 🙈

I don't know what I want here! I'm never going to correct them, neither of us are. Nor would I ever reply with 'hey, I pay my share' as it sounds petty and defensive and I know it's not meant to be hurtful but EFF me! Woman can also have successful careers too 🤣

God I've been the breadwinner for the whole of our married life and I feel your pain.

New car "oh did DH get a pay rise"
Holiday "nice of DH to treat you"

It's just ingrained in most older generations that the man earns more, go sub 50s and most of the women I know do earn equal or more than their DHs so I do think it will be a comment of the past.

I call it out every single time, I'm not sitting there like a good girl keeping my mouth shut to places their stupid opinions!!

Talk up get a voice and say actually we "both" have equal standing jobs"

It's not about money as much as your standing that being dismissed.

@Shinyandnew1 yeah exactly. Between extended family and a new stream on builders every week, it's grinding my gears 🤣

oddly I am actually a nice person. Workmen who are here for longer than an hour or so get the offer of drinks or a drink station set up and they get the good biscuits.

I'm never going to correct them, neither of us are

Why ever not?

brace yourself!

oh well la-de-dar then...

we hear you... you've better than everyone

apparently they do 😕

He does correct them.

It's all we, us etc and he's even said that I earn more.

Are you actually joking? 🤣 how are we better than everyone? Someone asked why it keeps coming up.

So, he does correct them?!

Very publicly renovating a listed property, in a fairly prominent position,

so all very local to you?

you said neither of you had any intention of “ever correcting” them

then you go on to say he always does

Different members. It keeps coming up as we’ve had a straight run of family events with pockets of extended family and it’s pretty common knowledge that we’ve got a new property with lots of renovations

then stop talking about it... stop boasting at all your fancy weddings and social events that you are doing up a fancy house in a prime position...

goodness… it’s very widespread in your family isn’t it? multiple people at multiple events all stuck in the fifties and / or enjoying antagonising you

which is why I said I am a nice "good biscuits and drink station" person. :)

I’ve actually been pretty clear in my responses but you seem to be here for an argument.

when it’s really obvious and pointed, we’ll correct them. Sometimes it’s quite subtle and not easy to address without it being weird. I even went on to give an example of us talking in a group setting. I was talking and someone interjected directly to DH that wow it must be costing HIM a pretty penny. Of course he responded with ‘us’ ‘we’ etc. neither of us in that scenario are going to have it out in a group setting that I also earn a decent wage and it’s my money too etc. I’m irked by the general assumption, not the words.

so you were talking about what? something totally unrelated and this other person just launched into their conversation with your partner about how much the renovations were costing him?

or were YOU talking about the removations and the other person interupted you and mentioned to partner about how much the renovations were costing him.

maybe said person could see you were going on again about how much you have and how much you do and wanted to include your partner a little in the conversation

So if your renovation is very prominent and centrally placed… does this mean that the relatives pissing you off are all very local to you?

Stop being so subtle in your replies. Theyre not being subtle at all and I really wouldnt stand for it

Just correct them? You don’t need to share the amount.

Their assumptions are outdated and rude but they won’t ever change unless you educate/challenge them and you or DH seem to have plenty of opportunity to do so if the comments are frequent.

Of all the things to be annoyed about this is pretty mild. You correct them, they carry on. Just let them, you'll only be annoyed by it you choose to be.

Also with tradies I find a jovial “no point discussing with him, I’m the boss!” does the trick.

Haha no. Definitely didn’t go like that.

Family BBQ in mums garden. My side of family. Aunty who I’ve not seen for 12 months says directly to me ‘mum mentioned you were staying with them whilst rewire goes ahead in your new house. How long do you think until it’s all done?’ I replied ‘we’re doing lots of it ourselves. Lots of evening and weekends, so longer than we’d like but it needs gutting’ then some chat about it being listed and needing to use certain materials to stay within planning permissions and uncle cuts across, directly to DH.

no one is ‘going on’. I’m a fairly reserved person. Someone else always asks in passing how it’s coming on.

I get you, OP!

My parents are very old fashioned. My mother recently told me it’s great that I’ve stayed in work so I’ll always have some “pocket money” for myself.

My salary is well over £100k.

I just smile and nod. It’s easier.

YANBU, just say “I earn more than him actually.

I don’t get how you have more disposable income though if you only earn slightly more and share household outgoings?