To be pissed off about this?

[Newbie8918]

TL:DR DH and I have same salary but get content comments about how lucky I am as there's an assumption that DH is the one paying/funding everything!

My DH and I both have decent jobs and decent salaries however I am sick to death about people commenting about our life in relation to how well DH must be doing so we can afford XYZ and how lucky I am 🤣
Both of our families are very working class and have similar, traditional values about gender roles I suppose.
DH and I never disclose what we earn or discuss work in general with them but they both know that we both work full time.
My job is quite vague. Think Chandler Bing 'Transponster' 🤣, so none of them actually know exactly what I do for work.
I think it pisses me off because nothing has ever come easy and I've literally worked my backside off to achieve where I am in my career, as has DH and it's constantly reduced to 'lucky you, DH must be doing well'. People find it easier to believe that DH must be earning almost double his currently salary, rather than considering that we're fairly equal.

For example we've just purchased a new home. I actually earn slightly more than DH and have far more disposable income, and poured everything that I had spare into our previous mortgage to reduce the term, meaning we were in a good position to buy this one. All I have heard since, is how DH must be skint, buying that big house for us!
Nail in the coffin was at the family bbq where my uncle asked to see pics of the work that we have done (total reno. Listed building) to which he said loudly 'wow, incredible. Looks like you've been at DH's credit card again' 🙈

I don't know what I want here! I'm never going to correct them, neither of us are. Nor would I ever reply with 'hey, I pay my share' as it sounds petty and defensive and I know it's not meant to be hurtful but EFF me! Woman can also have successful careers too 🤣

It's just obviously costing a lot at the moment! It's a large listed building and needed gutting, so it's clear that we're pouring funds into it. Also lots of our family work in construction, so know how much we must be spending. That's why it's a hot topic at the moment.

sounds to me like your DH doesn’t put them straight and instead puffs out his chest and accepts it all!

When they say these comments, eg uncle, why on earth are you not saying ‘well actually, I earn more than DH…. Etc’. They want to talk money. So talk money.

My DH actually DOES pay for everything and I have never had such a comment in my life!

You deserve some credit!

ah so your DH basically totally instigates and encourages this

DH problem

Say something

Change opinions

Combat ingrained misogyny even if it embarrasses people.

It might make them stop and think.

I've had all sorts like that said to me. I always correct it.

exactly

when married my DH earned 4x what i earned

I didn’t pay for a thing!

No comment. Not one. Ever.

Someone turned to DH directly and said 'that must be costing you a pretty penny DH name'. It's weird for me to correct that with 'costing us.....' but the assumption was the same.*

But why on earth didn’t your husband say something?! Especially as you are pissed off about it!

This is such a weird thing to be cross about when neither of you are prepared to do anything to stop it!

It's easy isn't it after the event had passed, to think that you should have comeback with some quick witted, cutting remark 🤣

I also find similar scenarios weird. 'Actually he's the lucky one, I'm a catch too....' 🤣

I just reply to that type of remark 'nice misogyny there, maybe you could work on that'.

He does correct them.

It's all we, us etc and he's even said that I earn more.

I think you need to be more blunt as you/DH correcting them as you are doing now is not working. This would drive me mad and I would bluntly say we both work and provide for all this thank you very much.

@whichfan you may want to re read the comment.

When workmen say they need to speak to him rather than me, or when they bypass me completely, he deliberately tells them that I make the decisions or hold the finances and he will need to come back to them. Let's them wait and consults me.....often in front of them, even when it's not required, because he knows that it pisses me off.

Pure class.

This is more my type of comment. Thank you 🤣

you said he encouraged the idea that you are dealing with the admin of the project

very much indicating he’s the one providing the finance

but if he does correct them

then your family is a bit… thick? and / or knows it antagonises you but the steaming look on your face so carry on doing it

i doubt they’ll know what “misogyny” means

Hey @Newbie8918 you just want the recognition. I get that. It's crass of people to assume it's the DH who's paying for it all when actually you're a team. But it goes further than that when they're making a joke out of the assumption you're the weaker partner. And of course we're all so trained not to 'boast' or be forward in any way.

I'd have to counter this with some blindingly clever comeback Every Single Time. Something like: you know it's not 1924 right?

@whichfan we weren't talking about finances in that scenario. The other poster and I were discussing workmen's attitudes to only wanting to speak to a male, for ANY reason.

Also thanks for the assessment of how 'thick' our families are. I like to think that it's a generational trait as they tend to have had traditional gender roles.

so if told repeatedly that wrong
and they continue to do this
then it’s because they sense it antagonises you OP (which in itself is a bit “thick” IMP to do this to family or indeed anyone)

@whichfan over 150 people in our combined family babe. Lots of an older generation where the women were mainly housewives and the men earned the money.

As I said in the initial post, none of them are tying to be hurtful, it's just their experience.

Interesting that this post was about people making assumptions 🤣

I would have a ready response " no we pay equally " say it every time and ask dh to
Say it too.

Exactly. Shuts it down then. Really, he should be saying it since he seems content for people to think he's paying for everything.

I got a complaint from someone on a jacket I was wearing. Said that husband must have forked out a bit for it. I had no bones in telling him I earn my own money.

It’s actually made me quite cross reading this - as I used to get similar-ish comments, but that was about 20 years ago!

It was pretty obvious which one of us was earning the money I would have thought, simply by what we did for a living…and I was earning at least 5 times that of my husband. We were having major works done on the house, and the architect knew what my job was (I was away a lot), but still he did things like submitting planning details with just my husband’s name on - I had to tell him to re-submit as the house belonged to me, in my sole name, and in fact my maiden name. He had just assumed, and not bothered to ask.

When I told the builders (nicely, I hope!) that, for instance, they were putting a drain in the wrong place, they said they would have to ask my husband as he was the one paying for it! Bloody annoying. If they said things like that, of course I put them straight and usually they just looked annoyed rather than being apologetic!

Plus other assumptions from (my husband’s) family. They should have known better, they knew exactly what he was earning as he worked for them! - so how the hell did they think he could afford what we were doing to the house? Such old-fashioned attitudes.

babe? shudder

mind you…the thought of putting up with what you have been putting up with this from family makes me shudder too

Being from an “older generation “ doesn’t mean that you’re told once, twice, multiple times that it’s not the case and yet you still crack on, despite the person ie you, clearly not happy is thoughtless and rude