To be pissed off about this?

[Newbie8918]

TL:DR DH and I have same salary but get content comments about how lucky I am as there's an assumption that DH is the one paying/funding everything!

My DH and I both have decent jobs and decent salaries however I am sick to death about people commenting about our life in relation to how well DH must be doing so we can afford XYZ and how lucky I am 🤣
Both of our families are very working class and have similar, traditional values about gender roles I suppose.
DH and I never disclose what we earn or discuss work in general with them but they both know that we both work full time.
My job is quite vague. Think Chandler Bing 'Transponster' 🤣, so none of them actually know exactly what I do for work.
I think it pisses me off because nothing has ever come easy and I've literally worked my backside off to achieve where I am in my career, as has DH and it's constantly reduced to 'lucky you, DH must be doing well'. People find it easier to believe that DH must be earning almost double his currently salary, rather than considering that we're fairly equal.

For example we've just purchased a new home. I actually earn slightly more than DH and have far more disposable income, and poured everything that I had spare into our previous mortgage to reduce the term, meaning we were in a good position to buy this one. All I have heard since, is how DH must be skint, buying that big house for us!
Nail in the coffin was at the family bbq where my uncle asked to see pics of the work that we have done (total reno. Listed building) to which he said loudly 'wow, incredible. Looks like you've been at DH's credit card again' 🙈

I don't know what I want here! I'm never going to correct them, neither of us are. Nor would I ever reply with 'hey, I pay my share' as it sounds petty and defensive and I know it's not meant to be hurtful but EFF me! Woman can also have successful careers too 🤣

Me too - why wouldn’t you? A firm response and hopefully they’ll shut up.

no comment... 😂

I’d expect your DH to correct them and say you both earn roughly the same.

I joined to post on something that I saw on Facebook. I thought it could be a nice community to be a part of. I read this thread and changed my mind.

sure you did!

but you only posted on this one and not the “facebook” one?

at the end of the day its just a difference of opinion...the OP has posted in AIBU..
in my opinion yes they are!

well we agree then OP

i’ll leave you to your next family event op

i need to get the bbq going!

Thank you for understanding what I said. Yes I wanted to join and post on here rather than on Facebook and join a discussion HERE directly. I know how to post on Facebook but if I need your help, I’ll give you a shout.
and I’ll post on the one I saw originally, when I’m ready. Ta.

OP
Given someone on here the other day was being fleeced by her family after they found out her earnings/mortgage, I'd stick to your policy of saying nowt tbh.
If you defend yourself (like I did once to my MIL as to my daily rate, back in the day when I did supply and it was decent unlike now) you'll get hit for a loan (we were, it was paid back in tiny amounts, she passed away, wrote it off).
Stick to silence on your wages and your home.
Easier that way. x

Oh yes. Exactly the same here. DH is a bit older than me, but I’ve been earning 6 figures in my own right since I was 32! DH and I now earn the same, but so many people will comment on how I'm a “lucky girl”! I am pushing 50 so haven’t been a “girl” for quite some time. We have a nice life, but literally everyone assumes it’s because of DH. And I don’t know why? Because he is utterly brilliant at saying “no, holidays paid for that” or “we wouldn’t have what we have without holidays” or even, when some CF is asking how much we paid for my new car….dead eyed stare and…”I don’t know, it’s holidays money, she bought it, ask her” DH is very supportive of my career (why wouldn’t he be, it benefits him massively) but other people like to make assumptions I think?

I've not read the whole thread but what strikes me here is that women are supposed to be grateful for their husbands buying them things. Or just financing normal family life!
To me, it's irrelevant that you are an equal earner - if you and your dh had decided that your contribution to family life wouldn't take the form of direct money earned, then it would still be a contribution of equal importance. Instead, the stuff women are traditionally associated with, such as childcare or looking after the house, is dismissed as so unimportant, a woman should be grateful because the husband paid for a new kitchen or a handbag!

While I'm having a loan though, I do also think it's time we stopped with the whole 'older generation, women didn't work bs'. I'm 50, my mum is in her 70s. She was a nurse in intensive care when I was a kid. My gran worked for M&S and had a clerical job when my dad was a kid. It was normal for women to be working, so people are making allowances on the basis of something that isn't true!

exactly

unless the older generation is >80, there really isn’t much excuse for daft and offensive views on women

and even then… you’ll find loads of >80s who have the brain power to go beyond what was the norm when they very younger and realise the world has very much changed since the 1940s!

OMG, I get this all the time with my fucking MIL. DH and I earn approx the same, high earners. We pay everything equally. When MIL stays she always comments to the children "dad buy's you this, or dad takes you shopping or dad gets you that". She puts the idea in our childrens head that their father funds everything & i contribute nothing. It drives me insane! Our kids are old enough to travel alone to visit grandparents, and as such MIL comments about how "dad has paid for them, dad has given spending money". Um no! FYI, I pay half the airfare, spending money etc. It royally pisses me off actually. I don't know if she has any ill intentions by doing this, but still.

Have you ever corrected her? Does she keep on doing it?

Just say yes we've both paid half each and smile smugly.

She keeps doing it, yes.

Tbh I've never corrected her...What do I say? By the way, your full of shit, I pay/contribute just as much as darling son...

Shouldn't darling son correct her? He knows we split things evenly

Yes the “darling son” should correct him

He doesn’t. So your relationship with him is a different issue.

As for your MIL it doesn’t need to be quite so dramatic as By the way, your full of shit, I pay/contribute just as much as darling son

just “i earn same as dh and we contribute everything equally, don’t we DH?”

Threads like this make me so glad about my family’s older members

none of this kind of narrow mindedness

The OP will deny, but i’d wager they’re not averse to spouting a lot of bollox of “the immigrants coming over here and taking all our stuff”, possibly a side order of racism and definitely reform voters

OP… you must have skin as thick as a rhino to carry on enduring this so incredibly often as you outline

I was sympathetic to the OP until I saw her nasty message to @whichfan. Reported.

goodness just seen that

And to think the OP describes herself as reserved!

You may want to read on if you think my message was nasty. I've had more than one person private message about the constant prodding and belittling by two members. I admit I reacted to that.

i have read the thread and i honestly can’t see anything nasty 😕

what was said that was so awful? nothing has been deleted

why no posts deleted if so bad?