To be offended he said this?

[Maramay]

A male friend of mine lost his dad 10 months ago and has been really depressed. I was helping him through it and about 5 months after his dad passed, our relationship turned into more and we started dating.

It’s a really lovely relationship but his depression has definitely featured heavily. We don’t go out and drink together as booze was making him more upset. He’s been very clear that I shouldn’t suggest going out drinking, in fact. We’ve had some lovely times together but I’ve never really seen him truly happy in the last 10 months.

He went out with a mutual female friend last night and called me, very drunk, to tell me he’d had “the best night ever” and “he’s never felt happier”. She’d taken him out for a few (many many) beers and to a club, by all accounts.

i can’t help feel a bit put out by this. I know it isn’t aimed at me but I’ve spent the best part of a year trying to help him break through the fog with love and care and patience, and never really succeeded. She’s done it with a few drinks and a night of partying, something he told me he never wanted to do.

I don’t think this friend is any specific threat, to our relationship, as such, she’s a friend of us both, but the whole thing is really hurtful.

It was all I could do not to say “well, I’m glad she finally managed to cheer you up, when I never managed it. Please consider this my two weeks notice, thanks”.

He knew I was a bit put out on the phone but he was too drunk to have a proper conversation with. I ended up telling him it was nice to hear him happy, and leaving it at that.

I’m stewing on it now and can’t sleep and can’t decide whether to say something when I talk to him tomorrow.

My feelings are really really hurt. I know I should just be happy that he’s happy, but I feel really upset. What‘s more, I feel like all the time and patience I’ve poured into being there for him been worthless as none of the lovely things we’ve done together have ever elicited half the excitement he seemed to have when he called after that night out.

Sorry to reply to my own post - just thinking it through.

Would like to send him a text, for when he wakes up tomorrow, saying “hey, been giving it some thought and given femalefriend was able to show you the best night ever, and really cheer you up, and I’ve really never managed to, I’ll probably step away from this now as it doesn’t sit right that you should be with someone who can’t even make you half as happy as a drunk night out did. Best of luck with everything”.

I know I shouldn’t say that, of course, but that’s how I feel.

It's the sort of thing I'd be annoyed about and dwell on but I assume he's just said what's popped into his head and hasn't thought about what you might hear as the subtext.
I guess your relationship grew out of his grief and now it needs to move on ,I would have a chat about this and if you are stuck in certain roles with each other.

Life is not meant to be this complicated, shouldn't a relationship be beneficial to both people? I say this as something to think about but this could be you speaking about having a dog, you seem to think you have ticked the boxes of what to do so now expect a lost of things in response

People are not like that, if you genuinely need this then I don't think he will Gove you want you want

Sometimes we just need to do something different to take us out of ourselves and one person does not provide everything the other person needs all the time. He's been insensitive about how he's phrased things but that's all based on what you've said so far.

I voted YABU (although it seems I'm in the minority) because he's lost his dad only 10 months ago and now he's finally able to be in a place where he can actually enjoy a night out and you're upset he's had a good time. You've helped him through all the grief, he's not going to forget that-plus he couldn't wait to call you and tell you how much fun he's having. Because he wanted to share that with you. If the friend is no threat to you I'd just let it go and be happy for him that's he's finally in a place he can enjoy things again.

If he has only lost his dad 10 months ago ,he is still grieving. His heads all over the place .maybe as you are getting closer he doesn't want to get drunk with you .but sometimes someone less close may feel easier. It took me years rather than months to come to terms with my mum dying. In that time I wasn't myself and acted out of character. Just carry ion as.you were .don't take it personally

Don't do this. Don't do anything until you've heard what he has to say. And maybe explore why you're feeling like this about a friend.

But he’s not truly happy again - he’s just drunk… I know how much it would hurt for him to say what he has but don’t say anything else by text. Your current message makes it clear how unhappy you are and that you want to end it. See what he comes back with when sober and have a face to face conversation

He felt happy because he was drunk and the things that normally bother him faded away.
I don't think it's more complicated than that.
She hasn't fixed things for him, he was just drunk.
You don't need to 'cheer him up' btw, that can't be your job.

Agree. Go gently here 10 months after such a loss is really no time atall. When you see him you could ask why the change of heart to suddenly start drinking again but texts while your upset isn't a great idea. I can see why your upset but he still needs some tlc. If your happy otherwise and prepared to wait it out it may all settle for you both.

I'd just ditch him, to be honest. Sounds like you are doing a lot, receiving little and are unhappy with what you are receiving - why not move on and find someone that suits better?

And you're nobody's comfort blanket or counsellor, you've given him plenty of time to cry on your shoulder. If you've had enough, that's fine.

I’m a bit 🤔at some of these responses. Ten months after my adored dad died I wasn’t so depressed that I couldn’t function normally, and I certainly wouldn’t have gone out getting smashed as a form of therapy with an opposite-sex mate after repeatedly telling my partner I wasn’t up for drinking.

OP I do think your boyfriend has behaved quite poorly and it’s drawing a rather long bow to make it all about his dad’s passing. If the relationship is otherwise very good I would give it a couple more days cooling-down period before raising why he went out drinking with a mate after telling you to avoid all mention, and that you found it a bit insensitive for him to call you drunk and raving about what an amazing time he was having with someone else.

If he can discuss it reasonably then, all good. If he brings it up himself without needing to be prompted, even better. But if he brushes off your feelings, I’d certainly be stepping away myself.

It’s not your job to help him ‘work’ to feel happier. That’s his job. Of course be supportive but not to the extent it dominates your life,
It could be a case for the two of you if wrong time. Maybe that’s exactly the message you should send? Or at least talk to him and explain what you have said in the text.
at the start of a relationship it should be fun, easy and not a strain.

He’s drunk, OP. She didn’t cure his depression or bring him genuine happiness, she just bought him alcohol that impaired his cognitive function for a few hours.

If drinking actually cured sadness or grief or mental health issues then we wouldn’t have alcoholics in the world… alcoholism exists because as soon as the alcohol that temporarily deadens everything wears off all the bad feelings come rushing back (usually plus interest), and people are worse off than they started. Then they drink again and again and again trying to bring back that temporary relief.

Regardless, it’s absolutely not your job to fix his grief or depression - it wasn’t as a friend and it isn’t as his girlfriend. What he needs is for his friends and girlfriends to be supportive of his process as he works through it. If you’re taking it on yourself to make helping him your goal, this probably isn’t a healthy relationship.

It started off difficult and now how become complicated in a very short time.

I would be stepping back to sort my own feelings out. Maybe go out for a drink or 6 and have a little joy in your life too.

This isnt great.

I would give yourself a couple of days, and then meet for coffee and go for a walk. You can say that you were surprised about how hurt you felt about him going out with someone when he told you that’s not what he wanted to do, and you need to step back for a bit.

You probably should say that. If you havent seen him happy all of your relationship because you got together when he was grieving, it's not exactly ideal. Have you really been happy when he hasn't been?

🤔 He's had the best night ever and never felt happier? Sounds like maybe more than booze talking. Any chance he could have taken mdma or something similar?

YANBU for being upset, but I would try not to have a knee jerk reaction to his night out.

Look at the bigger picture. This relationship sounds very hard work. I think you need to work out whether it has any substance beyond you acting as his therapist. When the weight of his grief lifts, will there be enough of a connection between you to keep you together?

Have you heard the term "Prolonged Grief Disorder"? If he is struggling to move on and is stuck in the very raw early stages of grief, he might need some professional help if he isn't already getting it.

As someone who has very recently lost a parent within the last few months, I can hopefully share a bit of a perspective from the other side. I absolutely adore my husband, we've been together nearly 20 years and together with my kids, he is my absolute favourite person in the world and my best friend. He's been absolutely fantastic throughout my grief, but I have in fact pulled away from him at times as I don't want to be comforted and hugged because it tends to make me more upset. I've withdrawn a lot socially and whilst I still see my friends, I'm not as social as I was prior to losing my dad. With some encouragement, I had a night out recently with some friends and it was amazing. I wasn't at home thinking about my dad, no one was trying to comfort me and being with them temporarily took my mind off of what I was feeling. It wasn't about my grief, it was just about being with friends. But that one night didn't heal me from my grief, it just gave me temporary pause because I wasn't thinking about it. When I'm at home and not in a setting of drinking and gossiping and enjoying a night out, I'm thinking more about my loss. He won't be cured of his grief, he's just had a night where it wasn't in the forefront of his mind. Just because I had a great night with my friends, doesn't negate the love and affection I have for my husband.

I hope you step away from this relationship a bit. It sounds like he’s using you. There’s no need to tell him - just distance.
this just reminds me of friends who used to use me as a dumping ground; I got all the misery and depression, and then they’d go out and have fun with other people. I was too much of a people pleaser, and had to learn to find better friendships.
I know this has turned into a romantic relationship, and that makes it worse.

This tbh. He grieving, but it doesn't seem a great relationship.

I would perhaps not send the text, but I would step away. Other people can help him from here.

Did you ask your husband specifically never to offer to take you out drinking and then go out drinking with an opposite sex friend, then phone your husband to tell him you've never been happier?

Respectfully, I don't think these two situations are comparable, tbh.

Right. I wouldn't send the text either, I'd just move on respectfully and politely.

I was simply showing that one of the best nights I've had in a long time wasn't with my husband and in that respect, it is comparable. I'm not saying the two situations are the same.
At times my husband has tried to get me to go out and socialise with him, but I've said no and have done so since my night out. There is every chance he could have been put out by this, who knows. He knows it's one of the happiest I've been since my loss.

I wouldn't send a text. Let him wonder when he wakes up with a raging hangover. Be distant.
He's been telling you you can't drink and you've been supporting him through his depression for ten months... that to me is the bigger red flag. Grief or not he sounds exhausting. My DH's dad died and he handled it really well, looking back, though it can't have been easy. This one sounds tricky.