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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be offended he said this?

192 replies

Maramay · 28/07/2024 03:52

A male friend of mine lost his dad 10 months ago and has been really depressed. I was helping him through it and about 5 months after his dad passed, our relationship turned into more and we started dating.

It’s a really lovely relationship but his depression has definitely featured heavily. We don’t go out and drink together as booze was making him more upset. He’s been very clear that I shouldn’t suggest going out drinking, in fact. We’ve had some lovely times together but I’ve never really seen him truly happy in the last 10 months.

He went out with a mutual female friend last night and called me, very drunk, to tell me he’d had “the best night ever” and “he’s never felt happier”. She’d taken him out for a few (many many) beers and to a club, by all accounts.

i can’t help feel a bit put out by this. I know it isn’t aimed at me but I’ve spent the best part of a year trying to help him break through the fog with love and care and patience, and never really succeeded. She’s done it with a few drinks and a night of partying, something he told me he never wanted to do.

I don’t think this friend is any specific threat, to our relationship, as such, she’s a friend of us both, but the whole thing is really hurtful.

It was all I could do not to say “well, I’m glad she finally managed to cheer you up, when I never managed it. Please consider this my two weeks notice, thanks”.

He knew I was a bit put out on the phone but he was too drunk to have a proper conversation with. I ended up telling him it was nice to hear him happy, and leaving it at that.

I’m stewing on it now and can’t sleep and can’t decide whether to say something when I talk to him tomorrow.

My feelings are really really hurt. I know I should just be happy that he’s happy, but I feel really upset. What‘s more, I feel like all the time and patience I’ve poured into being there for him been worthless as none of the lovely things we’ve done together have ever elicited half the excitement he seemed to have when he called after that night out.

OP posts:
AgnesX · 28/07/2024 07:52

Maramay · 28/07/2024 04:04

Sorry to reply to my own post - just thinking it through.

Would like to send him a text, for when he wakes up tomorrow, saying “hey, been giving it some thought and given femalefriend was able to show you the best night ever, and really cheer you up, and I’ve really never managed to, I’ll probably step away from this now as it doesn’t sit right that you should be with someone who can’t even make you half as happy as a drunk night out did. Best of luck with everything”.

I know I shouldn’t say that, of course, but that’s how I feel.

Definitely don't do that. Just withdraw quietly and gracefully.

It sounds like he's capable of standing on his own two feet now.
.

AGodawfulsmallaffair · 28/07/2024 07:56

CheekyHobson · 28/07/2024 04:29

I’m a bit 🤔at some of these responses. Ten months after my adored dad died I wasn’t so depressed that I couldn’t function normally, and I certainly wouldn’t have gone out getting smashed as a form of therapy with an opposite-sex mate after repeatedly telling my partner I wasn’t up for drinking.

OP I do think your boyfriend has behaved quite poorly and it’s drawing a rather long bow to make it all about his dad’s passing. If the relationship is otherwise very good I would give it a couple more days cooling-down period before raising why he went out drinking with a mate after telling you to avoid all mention, and that you found it a bit insensitive for him to call you drunk and raving about what an amazing time he was having with someone else.

If he can discuss it reasonably then, all good. If he brings it up himself without needing to be prompted, even better. But if he brushes off your feelings, I’d certainly be stepping away myself.

I agree with every well thought out word.

I would be incredibly pissed off by him stopping me having any fun with a few drinks, then at the first opportunity he does exactly that, plus puts the boot in telling her he’d had the best night ever with another woman.

supersop60 · 28/07/2024 08:02

Inthestillnessofremembering · 28/07/2024 05:05

As someone who has very recently lost a parent within the last few months, I can hopefully share a bit of a perspective from the other side. I absolutely adore my husband, we've been together nearly 20 years and together with my kids, he is my absolute favourite person in the world and my best friend. He's been absolutely fantastic throughout my grief, but I have in fact pulled away from him at times as I don't want to be comforted and hugged because it tends to make me more upset. I've withdrawn a lot socially and whilst I still see my friends, I'm not as social as I was prior to losing my dad. With some encouragement, I had a night out recently with some friends and it was amazing. I wasn't at home thinking about my dad, no one was trying to comfort me and being with them temporarily took my mind off of what I was feeling. It wasn't about my grief, it was just about being with friends. But that one night didn't heal me from my grief, it just gave me temporary pause because I wasn't thinking about it. When I'm at home and not in a setting of drinking and gossiping and enjoying a night out, I'm thinking more about my loss. He won't be cured of his grief, he's just had a night where it wasn't in the forefront of his mind. Just because I had a great night with my friends, doesn't negate the love and affection I have for my husband.

This makes total sense
OP - he isn't suddenly cured of his grief, he's just had a great night out, and wanted to share it with you.

PonkyPonky · 28/07/2024 08:04

Going against the grain here but isn’t this just a standard thing for drunk people to say? I wouldn’t take it to mean he’s actually had the best night ever. It’s just drunken enthusiasm. If you’re otherwise happy in the relationship, I would just say what you’ve said here and have a conversation about it all. I’d bet he’d be mortified to think he’s made you feel like this with a brief drunken phone call.

Lurkingandlearning · 28/07/2024 08:06

honestyISkind · 28/07/2024 07:23

I suggest she doesn't send it, not because it's wrong or that she's wrong, but I have a strong suspicion that he will then arc up, claim she's insecure and needy and blab to anyone who will listen to him about what a meany she was. Anytime a woman has boundaries she is painted as insecure and needy, especially by men who are disrespectful to women.

I believe she should ditch him with finality, and give him no reason beyond it's not working out for her, thanks for the memories, goodbye.

Show quote history

I see your point and think you’re right.

LadyGrinningSoul8517 · 28/07/2024 08:06

This feels a little pathetic, if I'm honest.
Making him happy isn't a competition.
He had also been drinking, people say that sort of stuff when they're drunk.

I guarantee you wouldn't have felt this way if it had been a male friend that had made him 'drunk happy'.
Just female competitiveness.

Firefly1987 · 28/07/2024 08:09

AGodawfulsmallaffair · 28/07/2024 07:56

I agree with every well thought out word.

I would be incredibly pissed off by him stopping me having any fun with a few drinks, then at the first opportunity he does exactly that, plus puts the boot in telling her he’d had the best night ever with another woman.

Show quote history

Where did the OP say he stopped her from going out drinking with mates? She just said he didn't want her to suggest they go out for drinks together-that's how I read it anyway.

xTheLoudLeaderx · 28/07/2024 08:10

I’d cut him some slack. You’re upset by it clearly - so I would go about your day today and then speak to him in person if it still upsets you. You’ve invested a lot of time into him - you are allowed to be upset but your wording it’s really poor and seems jealous.

IpsyUpsyDaisyDoos · 28/07/2024 08:11

Drunk does not = truly happy.

He's been grieving. He hasn't felt sociable. Now he did, once. He's let his hair down, feels a bit better temporarily and told you he's happy. And you are contemplating ending your relationship over this.

See how he feels hungover. See how he is once he's recovered. See if there's any real change, or if it's one step towards him starting to move on. And then decide how you feel.

You can end a relationship for any reason you like, but "he said he was happy once while he was drunk after losing his dad 10 months ago" won't reflect well on you. And you will probably regret ending it for that reason in the future, if it really is a good relationship.

LostittoBostik · 28/07/2024 08:11

Either you love him and want to support him as a partner or you don't. This reads very clearly that you don't. Let him free.

Mydietstartstomorrow · 28/07/2024 08:13

CheekyHobson · 28/07/2024 04:29

I’m a bit 🤔at some of these responses. Ten months after my adored dad died I wasn’t so depressed that I couldn’t function normally, and I certainly wouldn’t have gone out getting smashed as a form of therapy with an opposite-sex mate after repeatedly telling my partner I wasn’t up for drinking.

OP I do think your boyfriend has behaved quite poorly and it’s drawing a rather long bow to make it all about his dad’s passing. If the relationship is otherwise very good I would give it a couple more days cooling-down period before raising why he went out drinking with a mate after telling you to avoid all mention, and that you found it a bit insensitive for him to call you drunk and raving about what an amazing time he was having with someone else.

If he can discuss it reasonably then, all good. If he brings it up himself without needing to be prompted, even better. But if he brushes off your feelings, I’d certainly be stepping away myself.

Definitely agree with this. I too would be miffed at his behaviour and I would be questioning whether we were right together if one drunken night out with some other female friend meant so much more than all the time effort and effort I’d put into trying to make him happy

RubyGemStone · 28/07/2024 08:14

This relationship is doomed, I'd get out now.

Women love a project and the chance to heal an nurture a poor broken man, the feeling of being needed is seemingly unmatched.

You will spend eternity in this dynamic, everything wrong will relate back to his grief, until he's healed and he has the strength to find someone else that isn't linked to his grief. Seen this happen so many times with bereaved people unfortunately.

gardenmusic · 28/07/2024 08:14

OP isn't his wife. She is a newish girlfriend from a longer standing friendship.
He has told her that he does not want to go out drinking, and that she should not suggest it - then he goes out with another woman, gets drunk and tells OP how wonderful it was.
Absolute slap in the face. OP has become the comfort blanket, the one to come home to. She did not choose that, and is quite rightly annoyed at it.

Takenoprisoner · 28/07/2024 08:15

Considering how the relationship started, I think its safe to say that he sees you as a support human being for him, and not someone to have fun with. That's a tough dynamic to break out of.

Do you do anything for fun together?

Projectme · 28/07/2024 08:17

AGoingConcern · 28/07/2024 04:37

He’s drunk, OP. She didn’t cure his depression or bring him genuine happiness, she just bought him alcohol that impaired his cognitive function for a few hours.

If drinking actually cured sadness or grief or mental health issues then we wouldn’t have alcoholics in the world… alcoholism exists because as soon as the alcohol that temporarily deadens everything wears off all the bad feelings come rushing back (usually plus interest), and people are worse off than they started. Then they drink again and again and again trying to bring back that temporary relief.

Regardless, it’s absolutely not your job to fix his grief or depression - it wasn’t as a friend and it isn’t as his girlfriend. What he needs is for his friends and girlfriends to be supportive of his process as he works through it. If you’re taking it on yourself to make helping him your goal, this probably isn’t a healthy relationship.

Edited

Oh this with bloody bells on!

Perfectly said 👏

xTheLoudLeaderx · 28/07/2024 08:17

Maybe now he’s actually been out you two can start going out ? Like he’s ripped of the bandage. Try see a possible positive in it. Maybe he needed a night out even if he thought he didn’t. Or it might have done him good to get out with someone else and even though it’s harsh but just to socialise with someone else. Obviously as long as that’s all it was, you said she wasn’t a threat.

Ask him how he feels this morning and if you do like him I wouldn’t be too mad at this, I’d just see it for what it is

SeulementUneFois · 28/07/2024 08:17

honestyISkind · 28/07/2024 04:25

I'd just ditch him, to be honest. Sounds like you are doing a lot, receiving little and are unhappy with what you are receiving - why not move on and find someone that suits better?

And you're nobody's comfort blanket or counsellor, you've given him plenty of time to cry on your shoulder. If you've had enough, that's fine.

Edited

Agree with this OP.

IVbumble · 28/07/2024 08:17

It sounds like you have been sacrificing yourself to support him & he's not giving much back to you.

This means there's an imbalance in the relationship. Time to give all that you would give to a potential partner to yourself until you reach the point where you understand a good relationship is not about saving someone.

gardenmusic · 28/07/2024 08:20

RubyGemStone,
Absolutely this.

OP the goads are begining to post.
Always happens when a poster gets 'too much attention' they start to derail and deflect - spot them a mile off. Ignore.

Itssamemario · 28/07/2024 08:25

My sil was diagnosed with cancer a couple of months ago and has had all the love and support of friends and family imaginable in that time.

I took her out last week, we got pissed and danced to cheesy 90's pop music until 1am and she said it was the first time she felt happy since the diagnosis.

It wasn't because of anything I'd done. Some people need an escape from reality that can only be provided by mind altering substances, having a boogy, and a greasy kebab on the way home.

I totally understand where you're coming from, but I'd not take it to heart.

Edit: just to add, if you feel like you're putting more in the relationship than you're getting back, then back away.
I'm only saying don't take it to heart because it's not the woman that's helped him, it was the booze

madameparis · 28/07/2024 08:26

I don’t think the night out or the comment are the big issue here. More that it’s shone a light on the whole dynamics of your relationship - you being his emotional support crutch.

Only you know if that is one small element of your relationship and outside of that you have a genuinely equal, loving and fun relationship most of the time. Or whether the whole relationship is just you being his support and trying to “fix” him.

I wouldn’t send any rushed text. Take 24 hours to reflect on your relationship. Meet up in person and have a very honest chat about what you are both getting out of this relationship, how you feel and whether it is healthy or not.

meganorks · 28/07/2024 08:26

I think you are right to be upset, and right to consider whether there is any future in yoir relationship. Your relationship seems to be all about him and his grief. That's how you got together. He is dictating things you can and can't do because he is grieving. Buy that can't be how your relationship stays long term.

You should wait a few days to let the hangover/anger subside and then speak to him about how it made you feel. But also that you are happy he feels able to go out and have fun nights as you would also like to do that with him. That doesn't have to mean he is just over his grief. But you can't stay in a relationship where he can go out and have fun, just not with you. You are the person he is just depressed and grieving with.

Idontgiveashitanymore · 28/07/2024 08:26

im sorry but after all that you have helped him through, he doesn’t deserve you. Please ditch him and enjoy your life!

Halfemptyhalfling · 28/07/2024 08:31

Caroline Quentin helped Paul Merton get over a sad life event. When he felt better they split up. Could be part of getting over the grieving process

Greategret · 28/07/2024 08:34

Life is short and youth is even shorter. Don't waste it soaking in somebody else's misery.