To be offended he said this?

[Maramay]

A male friend of mine lost his dad 10 months ago and has been really depressed. I was helping him through it and about 5 months after his dad passed, our relationship turned into more and we started dating.

It’s a really lovely relationship but his depression has definitely featured heavily. We don’t go out and drink together as booze was making him more upset. He’s been very clear that I shouldn’t suggest going out drinking, in fact. We’ve had some lovely times together but I’ve never really seen him truly happy in the last 10 months.

He went out with a mutual female friend last night and called me, very drunk, to tell me he’d had “the best night ever” and “he’s never felt happier”. She’d taken him out for a few (many many) beers and to a club, by all accounts.

i can’t help feel a bit put out by this. I know it isn’t aimed at me but I’ve spent the best part of a year trying to help him break through the fog with love and care and patience, and never really succeeded. She’s done it with a few drinks and a night of partying, something he told me he never wanted to do.

I don’t think this friend is any specific threat, to our relationship, as such, she’s a friend of us both, but the whole thing is really hurtful.

It was all I could do not to say “well, I’m glad she finally managed to cheer you up, when I never managed it. Please consider this my two weeks notice, thanks”.

He knew I was a bit put out on the phone but he was too drunk to have a proper conversation with. I ended up telling him it was nice to hear him happy, and leaving it at that.

I’m stewing on it now and can’t sleep and can’t decide whether to say something when I talk to him tomorrow.

My feelings are really really hurt. I know I should just be happy that he’s happy, but I feel really upset. What‘s more, I feel like all the time and patience I’ve poured into being there for him been worthless as none of the lovely things we’ve done together have ever elicited half the excitement he seemed to have when he called after that night out.

The OP simply describes him as a male friend. Was there a further update?

Surely the aim was for him to feel better because you care deeply? There's a huge chance that your care, built all the foundations for him to be able to make this step!

This will undoubtedly be true.

But it is unlikely she won't be present for the kept step of his journey because he will always associate her with this time and, at some point he will no longer want to be reminded of this time.

If they had been together prior to his father's death, it would be different but they had been friends before and only.got together because she had been supporting him through his grief. Her being nurturing, supportive and kind; him being sad, depressed and grief stricken; them not going out and doing fun things; the focus being on her helping him is the dynamic of the relationship. It's a relationship borne of grief and compassion which isn't a particularly equal starting point.

Tbh, I'm surprised at the number of people who can't see this.

I think you need to take a moment to breath and examine why you're so offended OP.

Stop trying to rescue him. He's grieving, it has to go its natural course. Sounds like you need a bit of fun in your life. Step back and see some of your other friends.

No further update no.

It's literally there in the second sentence of the OP?

Whoops. Clearly can't read 😬. Sounds like an unequal footing for the relationship to start on unfortunately. OP I understand the hurt but think you are better off stepping away, he isn't ready to be in a relationship.

I agree with the posters who are saying that he's put you into the role of emotional support. He doesn't get to tell you that you can't ask him to go for a drink. Think about how much trauma dumping he does on you. It's strange that you wasn't invited. You can bet you'll be asked to help him through the aftermath though. I wouldn't say that this is a relationship for the long term. If he isn't planning counselling and treatment for his depression within two months, you should be gone. Do you want to spend your life with him not being happy? This will get jumoed on but hopefully we all lose our parents because no-one should bury a child. If it's caused true depression, then that needs help and work to get over. I'm wondering if you give him the environment to wallow and be the center of attention. What does he actually do for you?

I agree with the posters who are saying that he's put you into the role of emotional support.

No, the OP has done that to herself.

Not so bad while he was just a friend, but a relationship moves the goalposts completely.

This relationship sounds like it was doomed to fail from the beginning, really.

Getting romantically involved with someone who is in the midst of grief is always going to be messy - their emotions are going to be all over the place. DH lost his mum a few months ago and even though we're in a well-established relationship, it's been bloody hard at times. If we were in a brand new relationship I don't know if we would have coped, in all honesty.

It doesn't sound like either of you have necessarily done anything wrong - not intentionally anyway - but grief is messy and hard and a bit of a roller coaster - it's not really the right time to be starting relationships or making big, life-changing decisions of any kind.

I don't think you should text him, but I do think you need to take a step back for your own mental health if nothing else.

Agreed. But then he should deal with it, not drag other people down or use them as his personal therapist

Frankly some men want most of all to be in a relationship with someone who they see as the 'nagging wife/mother', and then go out and enjoy themselves doing something which they can now see as illicit and forbidden by 'her at home'.

They don't want their partner to share in the thing that is supposedly so much fun, because they would lose out on the 'naughty boy' dynamic. And they also don't want to stick to the rules they have come up with - often without the woman having much to with it - for what they are not allowed to do.

Not 100% sure this is what's going on here - but it certainly seems like it.

I don't think you can have a healthy relationship with someone on the basis of grief and trying to 'help' them. This is codependency, not love.

Honestly, it sounds like you liked the fact that he was vulnerable and down.

He lent on you and needed your support and you were there and felt needed because you would care for him.

He’s felt the happiest he has since his dad died and you are annoyed about it.

Most people would be relieved that he’s had a break through and may finally be getting back to normal but you want to break up with him over it.
If anything they would be encouraging him to go out with this friend again, knowing that it’s done home good.

You want to break up with him purely because he was happy and had a good night without you - can you not see how unhealthy that is.

It sounds like you need to be in a relationship where the other person is completely dependent on you.

What have your other relationships been like?

Don’t send any text! I think you’ll get a better outcome if you process all this over the next few days (there’s a lot for you to work through here) and in light of how he behaves too. And discuss it in person at the right moment.

He might realise he’s been insensitive (by restricting you for months and in some ways belittling your efforts too) and apologise - you might have a good chat. He might have turned a corner and you can start having more fun together, and him being a better partner. Or he might feel hungover regret and sink back into depression. You just don’t know yet.

Either way, perhaps you should rethink this relationship. Do you feel valued? Cared for? A dynamic in which you feel like a boring carer isn’t sustainable or positive for either of you.

I know that I’ve had periods of anxiety where I’ve been down, not wanted to go out and then I have a drunken night out with my friend and it feels like the best night of my life then the next today it’s back down to earth with a bump of reality.

its probably just the alcohol talking . We’ve all done it.

I wouldn’t send the text, it makes you come across petty ,jealous and childish. However your relationship does sound like you put in way more effort than he does, maybe it’s time to take a step back.

Agree with this completely

Agreed. But then he should deal with it, not drag other people down or use them as his personal therapist
This
Op walk away

Omg so so wrong
He's still using alcohol as a coping mechanism, has asked Op to support him in not drinking and then goes out gets drunk and is now " happy"
Self destructive behaviour with a heap of well fuck you to the Op

I agree. I just think it's slightly poor taste to being saying "after 10 months I wasn't feeling like this so...." about someone who lost a parent. He can still be struggling even though you were handling it better at that point.

This. You're not his emotional support human! Think about what you want; you don't owe anyone happiness; that's his responsibility. I'd take a step back if I were you.

It sounds as if the friendship should have stayed as a friendship and not turned into a relationship.

so time for the relationship to end, and if you are both lucky you will stay friends.

I don't remember saying I wasn't struggling or saying I was handling it better or worse. What I'm saying is that I certainly didn't treat other people like shit because my dad had died or making my husband a slave to my emotions

I think I quoted your response to someone saying they weren't depressed enough to not function right, apologies for thinking you were agreeing with them.

It sounds to me like your relationship is very much based on you being his carer/nurturer and him sucking your energy dry @Maramay. It's really not a good dynamic and can lead to very unhealthy codependency.

I'm assuming when he's hungover/on a come down, you (yet again) will be expected to mop his fevered brow and take care of him?

I'd be putting a little distance between you for now. I wouldn't send the text but I'd think very carefully about the dynamic of the relationship overall and whether it's a healthy one. You sound like a kind and caring person but you don't want to be bled dry.

Exactly this.

Of course he had a great night drinking - that's what drinking does in the short-term, makes you feel better but he'll be paying the costs now with the after-effects.

But you've made it all about you and you being offended and wanting to send a passive-aggressive message because your ego is hurt.

Don't do that. Just end the relationship.