To be offended he said this?

[Maramay]

A male friend of mine lost his dad 10 months ago and has been really depressed. I was helping him through it and about 5 months after his dad passed, our relationship turned into more and we started dating.

It’s a really lovely relationship but his depression has definitely featured heavily. We don’t go out and drink together as booze was making him more upset. He’s been very clear that I shouldn’t suggest going out drinking, in fact. We’ve had some lovely times together but I’ve never really seen him truly happy in the last 10 months.

He went out with a mutual female friend last night and called me, very drunk, to tell me he’d had “the best night ever” and “he’s never felt happier”. She’d taken him out for a few (many many) beers and to a club, by all accounts.

i can’t help feel a bit put out by this. I know it isn’t aimed at me but I’ve spent the best part of a year trying to help him break through the fog with love and care and patience, and never really succeeded. She’s done it with a few drinks and a night of partying, something he told me he never wanted to do.

I don’t think this friend is any specific threat, to our relationship, as such, she’s a friend of us both, but the whole thing is really hurtful.

It was all I could do not to say “well, I’m glad she finally managed to cheer you up, when I never managed it. Please consider this my two weeks notice, thanks”.

He knew I was a bit put out on the phone but he was too drunk to have a proper conversation with. I ended up telling him it was nice to hear him happy, and leaving it at that.

I’m stewing on it now and can’t sleep and can’t decide whether to say something when I talk to him tomorrow.

My feelings are really really hurt. I know I should just be happy that he’s happy, but I feel really upset. What‘s more, I feel like all the time and patience I’ve poured into being there for him been worthless as none of the lovely things we’ve done together have ever elicited half the excitement he seemed to have when he called after that night out.

I meant in a relationship sense not in a physical sense.

I think you’re BU. You have started a relationship with him while he is grieving and everyone has to follow their own path to handle their grief. The fact that he found an outlet through a boozy night does not diminish the kindness and patience you have shown all these months, it’s just an outlet.

What to do? Don't say anything, focus on your own life. Let him do all the contacting and set the outings. You sound as if you care too much and you have made making this man happy your mission over the last ten months. When the usual rhythm of a relationship is disturbed by a significant other, it will throw you. Find your own middle position and let the dust settle around you. Remember, for every move you make there will be a countermove. For every non move you make you will leave the other person thinking 'wait a minute' and then you will truly see how far the relationship has come or if it is time to walk away. I hope you find your truth but look after yourself first. (Words of an old bird with a lot of experience).

When 'the fear' hits in the morning he'll have a different view on how the night went. I have a feeling this might be a bad week for him. Don't add to it with a snarky text (he didn't do anything wrong really) but do reconsider your position. It's very draining when it's all about him all the time.

Has he actually been diagnosed with depression?

This may sound brutal but he was probably happy because he’d been drinking. It is a suppressant so for a little while he got to bury his feelings. I think if anyone had taken him out drinking he’d feel the same in the night - it’s both a release and a way to bury what’s really going on.
The issue here is that he has chosen to go out drinking with a mutual friend, when for the last few months he hasn’t been drinking at all. You were there for the first few months of his grief.
I would tell him how hurt you are about this and detach for a while. If anyone reading this thread has been around any situation regarding alcohol, you would be doing him a favour. What you don’t want is to start feeling like you have to police his drinking as it often happens that the problem is then deemed to be you.
I am not discounting grief and depression here, but it’s clear your partner isn’t particularly dealing with either.
You don’t really know him as he truly is, you just get edited highlights while you are like an emotional crutch.
You deserve to be happy.
Perhaps you could give each other some space, and go back to bring friends for a while. With some time for both of you, you can work out if a romantic relationship will really work.
What you don’t want is for this to become a cycle, because if it does, he will become the victim, the alcohol will be his rescue, and you will feel like a jailer.
Put yourself first for a while.

I think YABU tbh. He is a friend, not a boyfriend, he is struggling with his grief and was drunk. It isn't your job to 'fix' him, if the friendship has been forged in this way and you are getting jealous it sounds like it's become a bit co-dependant. I'd suggest considering what you want to get out of the friendship and taking a step back but I wouldn't be sending any messages in anger. If this is a pattern for you you might also need to reflect on if 'saving people' is validating for you and why. I say this as someone who has had to break this pattern myself.

@Cheeseandcrackers40 The op is in a relationship with this man

He is a boyfriend. But he's using her as a support crutch while he goes out and has the best night of his life with a female friend. Not hard to see why the op is hurt tbh, I would be.

Sounds like your stuck as his emotional support blanket, not someone to have fun with.

I'd be unhappy at his comments, but also feel it shines a light on the whole relationship.

That’s exactly what I would text, to be honest.

To clarify, he needs to have a good think about how he’s treating you. He might have been drunk, but his comments were awful.

DD27 suffers with very poor MH, as well as other disabilities. On the very rare occasions she gets drunk, she would also claim that this is the happiest she's ever been etc. it's just the drink talking.
Also like your Boyfriend, she knows that this is neither real nor sustainable.
You can either forgive him drunken ramblings, or not. But it's not as deep as you're thinking it is IMO.

Sounds like a really depressing relationship. Women are not hospitals for broken men.

It's not your job to make him happy.

He was pissed and enjoyed a good night out. Today he will be hungover and feeling like shite.

Avoid visiting him to try and make him feel better.

I would move on if I were you. Not because he had a great night out, but because this sounds like a miserable existence.

I'd be disgruntled and put out that I'd been pouring into somebody and receiving fuck all and that one click of the fingers and he's suddenly a drinker just not with you! But I'd personally move on because once you've posted on mumsnet this is a huge sign of stain and 10 months in with somebody really taxing I'd not be walking around with seeds of doubt and emotions being up and down over him!

Are you prepared to be his therapist for much longer?, You've been very kind to him, you've gone along with all his rules, been more than sensitive to his needs. He's turned a big corner without you. Maybe this is the time to release him back into the wild. Then you can get your life back on track and be you again.

I know this might not be what you want to hear. But I don't think he was in the right place for a relationship to start with. If your long term partner needs support, you give it, on the basis that in a long term relationship you'll both support each other at times. It's different at the start of a relationship, it needs to be more equal or u healthy patterns can become entrenched in how your relationship operates. It seems unusual to give that level of support in a relationship so new and sounds a bit like he has started taking it for granted. If something difficult happened to you now, do you think he'd give you the same level of support?

Why can't you just be happy for him? Your ego is hurt.

Surely the aim was for him to feel better because you care deeply? There's a huge chance that your care, built all the foundations for him to be able to make this step!

Be happy he is happy, you don't need to be offended and leave him.

Exactly this. And I say that as someone who lost my dad recently. I think he's using you for all the crap bits of his life.

This, I think.

What do you get out of the relationship? Does he support you too, or is all the support one-way?

Definitely don’t send the message, he’ll be hanging this morning and have no idea what you’re on about. Plus he’ll probably show female friend. Don’t give her that power.

Just take some time to see how things go. I understand the hurt but he probably needed a blow out and you’re not that friend. You’re his partner. I can understand why he didn’t want to do it with you.

You've taken on a project, not a boyfriend OP.

I'd start by inspecting your own life and mindset, to find out why you done this?

Surely you could've continued helping him, but dated someone else?

For him to say that to you on the phone, sounds like he sees you are more of a therapist than a girlfriend.

Which in effect, you are.

I think it's worth noting that everyone deals with the grief of losing a parent differently.

“hey, been giving it some thought your comments about last night have made me realise we aren’t meeting each others needs. It’s not in my best interests to continue this so I'm going to be stepping away from this now and would appreciate it if you gave me space and don’t contact me. Best of luck with everything”.

is better
your text screams “pick me tell me I’m great”
He is using you as an emotional crutch and will bin you off as his grief subsides.
bin him off. He can’t meet YOUR needs

@Maramay So what did you do in the end ?