To be offended he said this?

[Maramay]

A male friend of mine lost his dad 10 months ago and has been really depressed. I was helping him through it and about 5 months after his dad passed, our relationship turned into more and we started dating.

It’s a really lovely relationship but his depression has definitely featured heavily. We don’t go out and drink together as booze was making him more upset. He’s been very clear that I shouldn’t suggest going out drinking, in fact. We’ve had some lovely times together but I’ve never really seen him truly happy in the last 10 months.

He went out with a mutual female friend last night and called me, very drunk, to tell me he’d had “the best night ever” and “he’s never felt happier”. She’d taken him out for a few (many many) beers and to a club, by all accounts.

i can’t help feel a bit put out by this. I know it isn’t aimed at me but I’ve spent the best part of a year trying to help him break through the fog with love and care and patience, and never really succeeded. She’s done it with a few drinks and a night of partying, something he told me he never wanted to do.

I don’t think this friend is any specific threat, to our relationship, as such, she’s a friend of us both, but the whole thing is really hurtful.

It was all I could do not to say “well, I’m glad she finally managed to cheer you up, when I never managed it. Please consider this my two weeks notice, thanks”.

He knew I was a bit put out on the phone but he was too drunk to have a proper conversation with. I ended up telling him it was nice to hear him happy, and leaving it at that.

I’m stewing on it now and can’t sleep and can’t decide whether to say something when I talk to him tomorrow.

My feelings are really really hurt. I know I should just be happy that he’s happy, but I feel really upset. What‘s more, I feel like all the time and patience I’ve poured into being there for him been worthless as none of the lovely things we’ve done together have ever elicited half the excitement he seemed to have when he called after that night out.

Classic female social conditioning. If you feel this way, you can in fact, set boundaries for yourself and say exactly this.

I wouldn't send any knee jerk messages until you've spoken to him when he's sober.
Only you know here if you want the relationship to continue and whether it's worth a proper conversation, or whether you're getting nothing from the relationship and it would be better to walk away.
I'd be hurt just like you though.

I’m probably missing something but I don’t get the anguish over this. He’s had a good night out, so what. He won’t want to do this every night and presumably it doesn’t mean he doesn’t care/love you.
More odd is why you weren’t invited to go with them if she is a mutual friend.
I doubt it was heavily pre planned and more a spontaneous evolution of a night out. We have all surely done this at some point. Said we are having a quiet night. Don’t want to go drinking. Then before you know if your ‘bad influence’ friend has encouraged you to join them and before you know it, your on tables dancing and drinking shots people are buying you ( slightly joking here) but you know what I mean. You get home and your husband laughs and says what happened to “I’m not drinking”

Be careful here. You set yourself up to be his support human from the start. There is the risk that this is all you are going to be. Not a girlfriend, someone to be happy with, someone to have fun with but some to care for him and put his feelings first always. You will always be caring and fixing while he will seek fun and companionship elsewhere. You are meant to be Ok with this because you care for him and want him to be happy. Its a trap.
Your feelings are not important. Him phoning his girlfriend to tell her he is happiest he has been in a while when he is with someone else is proof. Drunk or not, it wouldn't occur to him to care about how that makes you feel, you are meant to be happy for him. This is part of why people don't date grieving people.

I mean this kindly.......I know such things are not always evident at the time but I think that it was absolutely the wrong time to go from friends to lovers. Not your fault not his fault but really really bad idea. You are looking for very different things, probably your current expectations are of more permanency than his are. He may not have any expectations of the future. When I lost my husband, I couldn't see beyond tomorrow, let alone next week or next year. While people are in grief, in many ways they are not the same people as they were and may never be those same people again. Its up to you whether you stay friends or step away completely but I don't think that a closer relationship will benefit either you right now.

I think it's best to wait and see what happens today. If he remembers what you said last night this might be the wake up call he needs to fix the relationship. But I think he probably will continue to lean on you for emotional support and never give you the same.

Drink makes you temporarily happy. It might, or might, not mean something. Have a conversation when he is sober, say how it made you feel, and go from there depending on his response.

Forget last night, it was one night but think about a future with a man who is never happy. The best advice I've ever heard is "Marry a happy man."

I can understand your feelings but not to the extent that you'd end the relationship over it. He's been suffering from grief and depression and texted you when drunk. Of course he hadn't been cured by a night out. He just momentarily had some fun.
If you no longer want to be in the relationship for other reasons then fine. I think you're overreacting to this though.

It likely is the drink but you are very silly to spend a year bending yourself out of shape for a depressed self absorbed man.

Definitely step back.
Get some counselling to figure out why your bar is so low.

If you had any self esteem and respect you would know that you deserve more than taking on a project for you to fix.

You deserve so much better.
Give him space and take some yourself.
Your life should be more that fixing some man who absolutely does not appreciate you nor would do the same for you.

I wouldn't give him the soot of being upset, I would be far far less available and I sure as shit would not be around for his poor me hangover today.

You need more in your life than a man project.
Start investing your energy in yourself.

I went out with a man who was constantly chasing something else, always unhappy with what he had. I was always wondering how to cheer him up, or what might upset him today.

I married a man who has a naturally sunny disposition. He is happy with what he has and happy if more comes his way. It's a lovely life.

This is spot on.

Don’t split up because of a drunken phone call. Split up because your whole relationship is based on you being his carer.

Where did the OP say they were lovers?

It's not an equal relationship though. It was borne out of his grief and depression. That's the basis of the relationship.

Relationship dynamics are hard to change once established.

Yeah, I agree with you Op, that's shit.

So, he never takes you out drinking or dancing, because of his depression and his Dad passing 10 months ago (10 months, not 10 days!!), and yet he's managed to take Susan on a date, drink loads, let his hair down, go to a disco, dance with her etc, and then call you to tell you that he's having the best time ever, bla bla bla. I'd be fucking fuming.

I can just imagine how he would react, if you'd spent the whole night drinking and dancing with Dave, and then rang him, to gush that you'd had the best night ever, even though you never do that kind of night out with him. I can just imagine his Beaker face (remember Beaker from the Muppets?)

I wouldn't text, but I also would go grey rock for DAYS.

He's basically taken her on a drink fuelled party date, and yet he never takes you out. Nah. Fuck that.

It sounds like there's more to this than simply the excited tactless rambles of someone who's had a surprisingly enjoyable night, and that actually it's maybe more about feeling unappreciated and stuck in the 'support human' box where you don't get to do the happy fun things but end up picking up the pieces, which is a pretty depressing place to feel trapped only 5 months into a relationship.

Whatever the reason, if the relationship isn't working for you, that in itself is a valid reason to walk away if you want to; there's no need to stick with something that doesn't bring you happiness. If you still want to be in the relationship with him, maybe talk with him about what you want it to look like and tell him that you felt hurt about that night. Your feelings and your wants and needs are just as important as his are.

Honestly @Maramay , he will likely be feeling worse than ever today. I think you have read far too much into it it. I agree with PPs that this doesn't sound like a very good relationship for you.

He's a twat and is making other people responsible for his feelings - and you have taken the bait.

This! ⬆️ Don't act too soon but don't stick around & be a doormat if it's not good enough for you.

Fair enough, but that’s splitting hairs when he obviously thought it was ok for him to go out drinking with someone else, but won’t with her, then rubbed her nose in it.
Good on him for trying to stop, btw, but still!

He's grieving and you've started a relationship based on need with him. He needs you to support him and you are the supporter. Phaps subconsciously what you dont like is that someone else is easily able to step in and make him happy, I think you need to step back a bit and don't think this relationship will ultimately work for you. The power balance is too far in your favour at the moment.

Don't lash out.

He was drunk when he said that, essentially numbing his feelings with alcohol
I don't think he's in a place where he should be starting a relationship and I don't think depression featuring heavily in your relationship is healthy for you
Step away but calmly

More odd is why you weren’t invited to go with them if she is a mutual friend.

OP is his support human not his going out and having fun with human. That's the role they have both cast her in and one that is unlikely to change.

He spoke to you WHILE he was drunk. That's what made him feel happy. When the hangover sets in he will be back to his real self but probably feeling worse mentally, since that's that drinking does for you.

Hold on to the fact he phoned YOU as he wanted YOU to know he felt happy - he knows you care.

Now you need to hope he doesn't start a habit of drinking to feel happy as that is not the answer.

I massively disagree with most posters here. He's actively said he doesn't want to go drinking with you because it makes him sad and He's then has gone out with a different (female) friend and had the best time and rubbed your face in it? I would definitely be upset.
10 months of trying to cheer someone up would be incredibly draining for you op, I hope you have a good support network. It doesn't sound like you get much from this relationship.