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AIBU?

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Original poster

To be offended he said this?

192 replies

Maramay · 28/07/2024 03:52

A male friend of mine lost his dad 10 months ago and has been really depressed. I was helping him through it and about 5 months after his dad passed, our relationship turned into more and we started dating.

It’s a really lovely relationship but his depression has definitely featured heavily. We don’t go out and drink together as booze was making him more upset. He’s been very clear that I shouldn’t suggest going out drinking, in fact. We’ve had some lovely times together but I’ve never really seen him truly happy in the last 10 months.

He went out with a mutual female friend last night and called me, very drunk, to tell me he’d had “the best night ever” and “he’s never felt happier”. She’d taken him out for a few (many many) beers and to a club, by all accounts.

i can’t help feel a bit put out by this. I know it isn’t aimed at me but I’ve spent the best part of a year trying to help him break through the fog with love and care and patience, and never really succeeded. She’s done it with a few drinks and a night of partying, something he told me he never wanted to do.

I don’t think this friend is any specific threat, to our relationship, as such, she’s a friend of us both, but the whole thing is really hurtful.

It was all I could do not to say “well, I’m glad she finally managed to cheer you up, when I never managed it. Please consider this my two weeks notice, thanks”.

He knew I was a bit put out on the phone but he was too drunk to have a proper conversation with. I ended up telling him it was nice to hear him happy, and leaving it at that.

I’m stewing on it now and can’t sleep and can’t decide whether to say something when I talk to him tomorrow.

My feelings are really really hurt. I know I should just be happy that he’s happy, but I feel really upset. What‘s more, I feel like all the time and patience I’ve poured into being there for him been worthless as none of the lovely things we’ve done together have ever elicited half the excitement he seemed to have when he called after that night out.

OP posts:
WhereYouLeftIt · 29/07/2024 18:35

CountessWindyBottom · 28/07/2024 15:36

It sounds to me like your relationship is very much based on you being his carer/nurturer and him sucking your energy dry @Maramay. It's really not a good dynamic and can lead to very unhealthy codependency.

I'm assuming when he's hungover/on a come down, you (yet again) will be expected to mop his fevered brow and take care of him?

I'd be putting a little distance between you for now. I wouldn't send the text but I'd think very carefully about the dynamic of the relationship overall and whether it's a healthy one. You sound like a kind and caring person but you don't want to be bled dry.

My very thought.

Ask yourself - are you his girlfriend, or his counsellor? In a relationship between equals, or a supporter/supported dynamic?

LoobyDoop2 · 29/07/2024 18:46

EerieSilence · 28/07/2024 05:47

You were his crutch, she is his physio.
I think he just progressed in his life and put you on a back shelf. Apologies for the bluntness but it's better to know this is the end.

I agree with this, sorry. I think now he’s coming out of his grieving phase he is associating you and your relationship with it, and you’re going to be part of what he wants to leave behind. It’s very unfair, but I’ve seen it happen before.

Teddybear23 · 29/07/2024 19:09

I agree, just end it, it didn’t sound like a very happy relationship anyway. I think the female friend has done you a favour.

LimeShaker · 29/07/2024 19:09

GreyCarpet · 28/07/2024 09:58

Surely the aim was for him to feel better because you care deeply? There's a huge chance that your care, built all the foundations for him to be able to make this step!

This will undoubtedly be true.

But it is unlikely she won't be present for the kept step of his journey because he will always associate her with this time and, at some point he will no longer want to be reminded of this time.

If they had been together prior to his father's death, it would be different but they had been friends before and only.got together because she had been supporting him through his grief. Her being nurturing, supportive and kind; him being sad, depressed and grief stricken; them not going out and doing fun things; the focus being on her helping him is the dynamic of the relationship. It's a relationship borne of grief and compassion which isn't a particularly equal starting point.

Tbh, I'm surprised at the number of people who can't see this.

Think this is the truth tbh - when someone has seen you at your lowest it is v hard to continue the relationship when you improve.

I think you probably really helped him but unfair as it is his journey forward may not include you to the same degree due to the associations with this time.

savethatkitty · 29/07/2024 19:41

I feel like he is kind of using you, OP. Not intentionally, but you were in the right place at the right time, so he's latched on to you for "comfort". I don't think people go looking for a relationship while grieving. I mean this in the nicest way but I think he's getting more out of this than you.

laraitopbanana · 29/07/2024 19:59

Hi op,

leave him 😵‍💫

he just showed you who he is.

good luck 🌺

Wowwww · 29/07/2024 20:10

I'm sorry but is there a chance he is subconsciously using you as a crutch to help him through this period because you have been such a good friend? And he's fallen into a relationship with you? I would be taking a step back. Grief can be all consuming - bit tricky to build a new relationship with that in the background.

Cityandmakeup · 29/07/2024 20:18

Have you suggested AA?

5128gap · 29/07/2024 20:22

He wasnt happy OP. He was drunk. You must know that 'happiness' caused by consumption of a drug that alters the brain chemistry isn't real and doesn't last. 'She' hadn't managed to lift him, she's just colluded with him temporarily masking his depression with alcohol.
You sound like you've done a great job supporting him and he should be appreciative. So not sure what motivated him to rub his 'happiness' with another woman friend in your face, and it doesn't sit right with me that he did that.
If I were you I'd think carefully about how much more you invest in this as it seems very one sided with little in it for you. If you feel your reward will be making him happy, this might be a long time coming, if at all.

exaltedwombat · 29/07/2024 22:44

He was ready to move on. Be happy for him. THIS IS NOT ABOUT YOU.

Toptops · 29/07/2024 22:52

It sounds like you're his social worker rather than partner.
Step back from the relationship and find someone where you are more equal and can have fun together

Sinderalla · 29/07/2024 22:56

Maramay · 28/07/2024 03:52

A male friend of mine lost his dad 10 months ago and has been really depressed. I was helping him through it and about 5 months after his dad passed, our relationship turned into more and we started dating.

It’s a really lovely relationship but his depression has definitely featured heavily. We don’t go out and drink together as booze was making him more upset. He’s been very clear that I shouldn’t suggest going out drinking, in fact. We’ve had some lovely times together but I’ve never really seen him truly happy in the last 10 months.

He went out with a mutual female friend last night and called me, very drunk, to tell me he’d had “the best night ever” and “he’s never felt happier”. She’d taken him out for a few (many many) beers and to a club, by all accounts.

i can’t help feel a bit put out by this. I know it isn’t aimed at me but I’ve spent the best part of a year trying to help him break through the fog with love and care and patience, and never really succeeded. She’s done it with a few drinks and a night of partying, something he told me he never wanted to do.

I don’t think this friend is any specific threat, to our relationship, as such, she’s a friend of us both, but the whole thing is really hurtful.

It was all I could do not to say “well, I’m glad she finally managed to cheer you up, when I never managed it. Please consider this my two weeks notice, thanks”.

He knew I was a bit put out on the phone but he was too drunk to have a proper conversation with. I ended up telling him it was nice to hear him happy, and leaving it at that.

I’m stewing on it now and can’t sleep and can’t decide whether to say something when I talk to him tomorrow.

My feelings are really really hurt. I know I should just be happy that he’s happy, but I feel really upset. What‘s more, I feel like all the time and patience I’ve poured into being there for him been worthless as none of the lovely things we’ve done together have ever elicited half the excitement he seemed to have when he called after that night out.

You were his drunk call 💖
He thought you would be happy for him. Don't say anything right away but then maybe say something in a week r two, something small

WigglyVonWaggly · 29/07/2024 23:13

I’d be upset too. I’d tell him that his messages and change in behaviour took you by surprise and you’re wondering if perhaps he’d be more compatible with someone else given that he has just told you he’s been a notably happier person on this brief night out than he’s been in months with you.

GreyCarpet · 30/07/2024 06:18

Sinderalla · 29/07/2024 22:56

You were his drunk call 💖
He thought you would be happy for him. Don't say anything right away but then maybe say something in a week r two, something small

Show quote history

I can't tell if I've missed the sarcasm or whether you think being "his drunk call" is actually a positive thing Confused

opalescented · 30/07/2024 06:23

Oh gosh no don't send a text like that.

Just wait for him to contact you again and then say you're not interested in seeing him again. If he asks why just say you're not but wish him the best.

Keep it classy and he can do all the mental work of trying to work out what what's wrong.

DelphiniumBlue · 30/07/2024 06:54

This is a strange relationship if you have been designated as a person he can't go out drinking or having fun with. Is he an alcoholic ?
Have you been cast in the role of saviour?
I suspect this relationship is not actually benefiting you much.

Icantrememberit · 30/07/2024 10:38

He phoned you at the end of the night to let you know he was feeling good. The first person who he thought of was you. He just needed to let his hair down and felt safe with her. That does not mean he does not feel safe with you. It was a change of scene from his norm and it worked out well for him. Maybe he feared the getting drunk with you because he didn’t want to put it his emotions out on you.

I can very much understand your, and let’s be frank here envy. I’d be miffed as well. But bigger picture here. It may feel like emotional cheating but to him it was a release. His relationship with you has helped him through and hopefully you don’t give in to this knee jerk reaction and continue to grow your relationship with this adding to it. Be happy he was happy. It is not that you don’t make him happy.

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